Am I crazy?

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Together 23 years, married 18 feeling so ridiculously unhappy. Two kids 13 and 15. Feeling financially trapped. Lucky to have lovely and large house. Possibly c£220k equity.
He works 37 hours in a management roleplus commutes 2/3 days per week, 1 hour approx door to door each way. I work 30 hours, 1 day in office in a busy, fast paced role. I earn about a third of what he does.
I was a sahm for 7 years and think he got used to that dynamic of everything done.
We had hardly any money then, so I got very good at working hard cooking from scratch, being thrifty with second hand clothes etc

I went back to work full time 4 1/2 years ago, having been part time for a few years. The arguments started then. He is financially obsessed, constantly taking about budgets, spreadsheets, pensions etc and was delighted with additional income. I made it clear he'd have to step up with housework. He did nothing at all for 7/8 months and we had an explosive argument. He promised to clean the bathrooms and cook one evening per week. It stopped after a few weeks. We have basically had that argument on repeat for years, slight improvement then falling back.

Yesterday it flared again, triggered by something else. The fact that he'd not cleaned the bathrooms for four weeks came up. He was criticising DD15 for something and I thought he was being mean and a hypocrite. It all flooded out. He works a day more than me, and commutes by train and walks the dog 80% of the time. So it's not fair that he's have to do anything else

I feel like a switch turned off. I can't keep doing this. I know I have more time in theory, but when I say I do everything else, I do mean everything, except for arranging insurance and physically paying bills for example. I can, but I have to draw the line and he willingly does this.

He will occasionally hang up some laundry, or fold some and he orders the dog food. But all meal planning, shopping and cooking, everything school related, dentist, orthodontist, doctors, all cleaning, changing bedding, sorting kids clothes/getting them new clothes, Grass cutting, weeding, Christmas and birthday 'magic', arranging dog vets stuff, groomer etc all me.

Bedroom is unsurprisingly dead. But that is my fault apparently. If I want to have a family day out, I suggest and plan. We rarely go out to eat or get takeaway. Joint income is c£100k before tax. We could afford it. We plan holidays, always do it ourselves to be tailored, but let's face it, cheaper. God forbid I don't do my half of that planning.

I do have a day 'off' work. This is thrown at me a LOT. I am made to feel bad if I don't walk the dog, as I'm leaving it to him. I'm not imagining thisz he confirmed it yesterday

He is a 'nice' man. But I don't feel loved (he tells me several times a day, but it's feeling more like a platitude every day) or cherished. I feel under appreciated and run ragged. I am terrified to leave and upset my kids/ruin their cosy lives. I don't want a relationship ever again. I just want to be able to please myself

Don't know what in asking really. I'm venting and looking for some perspective
Sorry it's so long. I'm feeling so sad that I have physical pain in my body .

I have previously reached the stage of saying I'd leave.
So you give him an ultimatum, he fails, and you continue to live the same way? That is not how ultimatums work.

You cannot change him, you can only change yourself. Nothing you have tried has worked so far so what is left if even the threat of you leaving hasn't worked? He's taking the piss out of you and you can't see it. Where's your anger?

Honestly my anger has gone. I'm left with confusion and hurt.
Unused to get super angry proper fiery and he would use that as evidence that I was hot headed and unreasonable.
I'm asking now whether I'm expecting too much. Whether it is in fact all down to me. Because the man that I'm friends with, love(D) and trusted is telling me, repeatedly that I'm being unreasonable. I don't want to throw it all away if I am being unreasonable. But I'm an intelligent woman. I don't think I am being unreasonable.
I think that raising a family with no external support is a damn site harder than he thinks it is, and thinks he is doing enough, so the rest must be for me.

I would play "Labour" by Paris Paloma on repeat in the house when he was around, continuously and in the car on repeat, but I doubt even that would get the message through.

He's determined to do no more than he currently does, so he lives off the back of your labour.

You are raising your DC to believe that dads just have to work and walk the dog, and mums have to do EVERYTHING else.

You've asked, you've argued, you've set schedules that he doesn't adhere to. He can do the tasks, he just doesn't want to because he feels entitled to your labour while he rests; that's the bottom line.

Speak to a solicitor, find out what you'd get in a divorce and then explain to him that it's just not possible to live with him anymore. If he wants to live in a filthy hovel where the bathroom doesn't get cleaned for months 🤢 he can go and do that, but you're not prepared to live that way anymore.

And don't listen to his promises of change, he's had the chance to change for years now, but he chooses not to; why should he, you're his domestic servant.

I have escaped a similar situation although mine was underscored with deep abuse.

Life is easier without him. I have more time
to myself than ever before, and I do not have resentment about things not being done. It’s on me, so if they’re not done they wait for another day and there is no criticism with this. It was bins and washing up - I can’t think of what else he actually did apart from faff and create mess!!

Fiery anger = doesn't help, quickly extinguishes.
Cold and sustainable righteous anger = achieves things, it moves mountains.

No OP, you are not unreasonable to expect your equal partner to share equal chores and equal childcare and equal paperwork. But knowing he refuses to do his equal share, knowing he will get angry if you comment, knowing this cycle is set on repeat year after year, and asking how to change the couple dynamics by yourself, now that is the unreasonable part. You can only change your reactions.

You have asked, you have pleaded, you have begged, you have shouted, you have given an ultimatum, there is nowhere left to go except give in and do it all and let him grind you down into nothingness or leave and have a happier, less stressful, less anger and resentment, life. I was the same and I chose me. I recommend you chose you and leave.

I'm sorry

The science supports its not your fault you dont find him attractive, its his. Is your partner a manchild? I suggest you show him the research and explain why behaving like your child is a complete turn off.

This sounds like my exh. Honestly my house now is so clean, tidy and relaxing. I hate to think of the state he's let the fmh get into, he never once cleaned a skirting board, loo, fridge etc....

Oh god! The skirting boards! I was trying to explain that they need cleaned. He disagreed as he had never noticed them be dirty. I was literally asking him to run a vacuum around them, I give them a proper wipe maybe once a year or on the rare occasion I mop thoroughly. I am no Kim and Aggie wannabe, but seriously.

When I was married I did everything for the children during the hours that h was at work. As soon as he walked in the door he was told what needed doing and he did it. It would annoy me that if I didn't want to cook he'd order a takeaway rather than cook. I made him cook the kids teas on a Sunday and it was the same two meals on rotation.
After his affair he started bringing me my drinks all night and did all the driving the kids around at the weekend. His way of making up..

I prefer to get chores done then relax. He was the other way. Of course I'd do them but generally I'd say it was 80/20 me.

I think tell him this is it as you won't have the same argument again. This is his share, this is yours, stick to it or you're filing for divorce.

When you are both home from work everything should be 50/50 chores wise.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. But I think you are underestimating the financial cost of a divorce. Sure the house will be sold but will you be able to get another house with that equity and your much lower earnings? Yes, he'd be paying for the children for say 3 and 5 years but that wouldn't stretch very far really. You might well end up working five days a week and living in rented accommodation and stilldoing everything. I do think you have to negotiate at least about a cleaner. Look him in the eye and tell him it's much cheaper than a divorce and mean it. He has no intention of helping with household chores other than pacifying you for a few weeks before reverting to form. I would be ignoring the skirting boards and concentrating very hard on increasing my earnings potential as you are in a precarious financial position if your marriage breaks up. Have you got superannuation sorted? Being older and poorer is no fun.