Contact with Ex

[MyRoseMaker]

How much contact is healthy or necessary between parents about the children when getting divorced?
I have been separated from my stbxh for about 6/7 months, completely his decision and completely ripped my whole life apart. He has been able to stay in the family home as it was part of his employment and I was also seven months pregnant when he decided this. I initially stayed in the home till my baby was three months old due to finances but the emotional abuse and gaslighting were unbearable. He was in a new relationship about a week after my daughter was born (according to him) but was lying about it till I found evidence he couldn’t deny. I have moved to my parents which is very hard but better for my mental health.
I have repeatedly asked him to not call or text and just converse by email about child related matters and he keeps breaking this. This means I never ever have any space to start to heal. However, I also mentioned to him I was concerned as he never seems to ask after his baby daughter when we do speak which makes me very sad. It was his choice to leave, refused all suggestions of counselling etc. The result is that he is now daily bombarding a family chat we have with the kids. I don’t want to leave it as I don’t want the older kids to get upset but have simply muted it and explained to the kids that I just need a bit of space. He has now as a result demanded I contact him daily to update him on the baby. He does message my son and I would never stop him from replying but he often chooses not to. I have been trying to encourage him but he’s not really bothered about his phone. I was going to suggest a time when my son calls him daily so they can chat, but is it fair for me to be expected to send daily emails about the baby? I am literally raising her by myself bar about 2/3 hours he has her in the week. I am trying to encourage as much contact as possible in short bursts and would never ever get in the way of contact. I had to email him four times a to send me times/dates over the half term he wanted to have her. Should I do as he requests?

i think you know the answer to your own question but have been made to question your own thoughts so much you don’t trust yourself.
you space and control of your life, he doesn’t get dibs on that.
lay down a reasonable amount of updates he will get in a week and what days / kind of time they will be so you know when the contact has to be made.
be careful of pressuring your kids to make loads of contact to pander to their dads ego, they need autonomy in this.
why is he only seeing his daughter a couple of hours a week if he’s so bothered about updates.
lean on your family where you can for support, would they be able to act as an inbetween for contact with your ex?
take a deep breath and concentrate on getting better after such awful treatment xx

Sounds like your ex has really knocked your confidence. You know the answer really but your ex pushes your boundaries and makes it seem like you are unreasonable.

I say this knowing my ex made me feel the same way.

My top tips... might not be 100% correct but they have worked for me.

-Gp- get referred to counselling and work through this to build your confidence.
-block all forms of contact except one email address. I know you are worried about your older kids, however a happy mum is better for them too and you need that space
-set up an email address just for your ex. Check when you want to.
-don't encourage your eldest to respond to texts. If they don't, whatever their reason is, let them move at their own pace and reasoning. Don't encourage out of guilt. Your kid is old enough to have a phone, for dad to contact them, and for them to make a choice on how to respond.
-daily updates is a definite no. I would outline your suggestions for contact every other weekend and a weekly update in-between with a video call. Set dates and times, so Thursday at 6pm is the phonecall, or whatever works for your schedule.
-half terms- tell him the plan, maybe suggest the same days each school holidays or split the half terms. Whatever you think is reasonable. Or you'll end up waiting around for him to let you, and he will leave it until the last minute so can't enjoy or organise your own life.
-baby seeing dad a couple of hours at a time is reasonable, they are young and needing you, especially if you are choosing to breastfeed.

Now by the way you have written your post, setting these boundaries will likely result in your ex making threats, such as court. So you may want to consider creating a little plan and seeing a solicitor to go through it and see if it is reasonable. My solicitor telling me I was reasonable made me feel more confident in standing firm. And it has put me in good standing in court since.

Unfortunately your ex appears used to making all the decisions, and you doing what he wants. In order to heal, move on, and set up your new life you will need to put boundaries in place. When he breaks those boundaries again, because he has already, you need to hold firm and not give in. Wishing you well as I know it is so tough.