I made a mistake

[LostinCH]

After 18 years of marriage. Living abroad with my husband I discovered he has had an affair. He told me he loved this person. Our marriage had problems. I wanted to get help and I did for myself but never as a couple. I never worked on the real issue I had in the marriage.
We broke the marriage. Workaholic and exhausted Mum.
When I found out I made him immediately tell the kids. Literally that day. Angry I did not protect my 20 and 18 year old kids.
Now husband is obviously mad at the way I handled the situation. Our son said he wanted to know the truth. Our daughter in her final year at school is mad at husband for affair but mad at me how I reacted.
How can I slowly build block to end up with a healthy relationship all round.
I believe the marriage will never be repaired.
What should I do?

Did you want him to immediately tell the kids because you thought it was in their best interest or because you wanted to punish him?

You’ve had a really bad time and so I think you need to go easy on yourself. You marriage is over and that’s on him not you.

I think I wanted them to know to stop the rollercoaster we had been on for years.
He has been a good father and they deserve that from him. I hope he steps up
Thank you

Aww OP 😢 I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this!
Maybe reiterate to your children you have regrets about how you made him confront them both and your marriage doesn’t affect how you and their Dad love them both.
Explain that you can’t take it back but you’ll do your best to keep them as “out of it” as possible.
Maybe a little apology to your daughter for the sake of the relationship will be all she needs.
It might be easier for her to be mad at you for the small thing rather than face the feelings she has towards her Dad for what he’s done.

I hope you get through this and come out feeling whole and happier the other side ❤️

I think you should stop beating yourself up about it. You were justifiably angry and did something you wouldn't have done in your right mind. Don't let him hold that over you when he is in the wrong here.
Of course, the kids are upset, their dad cheated on their mum, but it's easier (safer) to be angry at you as the proximal cause of the pain, than their dad, the actual cause of the pain.

A good father wouldn't have cheated on their mother and broken the family.

He can be a good parent and not want to be with the other parent. Cheating isn’t a good thing but people are fallible.

Marriages break up, usually long before a split. It creates new family structures.

Why would these adult children want the marriage to continue. Why would the OP.

If he wanted out, he should have ended the marriage before starting the affair. The marriage was clearly over, but it needn't have been such a catastrophe, and that's on him.