Help. Solicitor booked.

[Roofofdoom]

Hoping you can help lovely mumsnetters. Long time poster but NC for obvious reasons.

I have come to realise my DH is verbally abusive and despite him having therapy and us having couple counselling things have not changed. I live in fear of his wrath and I can’t go on like this anymore.

I am hoping that we can do things amicably but I’ve booked an hour with a solicitor to get some advice first. i think childcare will be straight forward as we do 50:50 now and kids are teens so can make choices.

Financially it’s might be more complex. He is self employed but uses PLC status to lower tax burden. He’s trying to hide what income there is and is saying it’s separate but it’s always been part of our family financial picture. This will be a key sticking point.

How should I prep for the meeting? It’s expensive so I want to make the most of it.

Thank you so much if you take the time to respond. Any wisdom welcome but particularly how to get the most out of the 45 mins with solicitor.

What is your financial situation? What proportion of the household income do you make and what are your pension preparations?

What is your desired outcome? Do you want to retain the home? Do you want to remain resident parent?

When you say teens are they 12 and 14, or 16 and 18? Makes a big difference

Take as many docs with you as you can.

Paperwork about his biz.
All your joint accounts, personal accounts, pensions etc.

Get quotes for any other assets before you go such as use we buy any car to get a rough valuation of cars

No mortgage.
Joint account to pay bills.
Me steady and higher income and paid more mortgage and bills over the years.
He paid more in terms of deposit.
His income has mostly been lower but always worked full time once kids both in school.
I went part time after first mat leave and stayed that way.
I would walk away from the house for an easy life.
Kids 13 and 15

Thanks.

He’s hiding it all so I have no idea except for my accounts.

Get your name off that joint account,
if things get messy he can run up an overdraft
in your name to
be careful Op

You’ll need to understand the company financials and should get copies of latest financial statements

what’s his shareholding % as that’s the bit that’s the asset, along with company and share valuation.

It’s just him so no shareholders as such. It’s only registered as a company to avoid tax.

@millymollymoomoo @LostittoBostik @Mrsgreen100 thank you for helping. I really appreciate it. Questions I hadn’t thought about.

t’s 2 in the morning and this is just all consuming. It’s horrible. It’s so hard to think that this man that i hought loved me has turned into the monster he is. He claims to be this man of honour. This man of integrity. Yet he will lose his temper and call me awful things. He’s done the same with the kids. He has basically threatened me that he will be horrible to me if we separate. I so wanted it to be amicable for the kids.

I have information about him that could be ruinous. It’s pretty bad. There is a bit of me wants to remind him of that. Not to get more or shaft him in some way but just curb the worst of his behaviour and make him play fair.

It’s awful to even think like this. But he’s been so vile I can’t imagine how bad he’ll be in a divorce scenario.

so for solicitor - it’s just 45 minutes consultation rather than starting the process I will aim to have;

A five sentence overview of the situation.
Rough evaluation of assets and finances.
A short summary of our respective financial contributions over the years.
company accounts and the behaviour I think indicates he’s trying to make it look like it’s not part of the family finances.
Pension pots.
my main questions.

I think it will be just be 50/50 with kids. We do that now. We split the week. Then it will just be every other weekend. That’s going to be really hard not seeing them all weekend. Ideally I’d like and amicable split where we do things all together still and remain friends - especially for the kids sake - but he’s going to rage. I know he is.

Ok a few pointers.
Get copies of all and any statements for anything that you can.
If he pays for groceries - take £50 cash back at a time.
He is no longer the many you loved. He is your adversary.
Get strong - stay strong

@Roofofdoom It seems like you've prep'd well for your solicitor's appointment OP. Have you looked at his company's registration at Companies House?: https://www.gov.uk/get-information-about-a-company You may find out more information about the company accounts under the "Filing" tab.
Good luck!

The company is effectively his work, his earning power.
One would assume you each want maximim earning capacity after the breakup.

Talk to a mediator early on.
Talk to your accountants early on.
Use your lawyer but don't indulge.

Aim to both stay on speaking terms, both get a secure home for self and children and to agree to child care arrangements. Have some flex space but start at splitting 50/50.

All of his finances are online and I don’t have access. I don’t even have access to our insurance policies etc. he has access to
everything. I hadn’t clocked it but over the years he’s just taken it all over and I trusted him.

What does that mean about his company? I see it as the same as my salary. It’s just all been part of our joint finances. That’s how we’ve always talked about it. But he recently changed the address to away from home and removed me as company secretary. Hence I think he’s gearing up to shaft me.

It says he has greater than 75% shares. The profit and turn over were minimal but will be more this next financial year. It’s not massive amounts of money.

@Roofofdoom So you can see his latest filed accounts, but his P&L doesn't show much? Do you think this is inaccurate and he's hiding company funds from his accountant, or would you expect the company not to be worth much?

He wasn’t working much so it fits. He upped his work last year so I’d expect it to be more now.

Please do not walk away from the house - by all means, rent somewhere else in the meantime whilst the divorce is finalised, but either buy him out and move back in, or get the house sold and at least get 50% of the equity. You are starting from scratch again and you need every little bit to help secure future housing for you and the kids. Stay strong. X

Are you sure it’s a plc ? Which is a public limited company usually with shares available to purchase by the public listed on stock exchange? Or is it a ltd company ? Sounds like the latter ?

if it’s the latter and he owns 100% of the shares and pays dividends to himself that’s available to see via the financial statements posted on company’s house.

you’d be advised to get proper advice re valuation and splitting of that - especially if essentially he is the business ( eg a plumber) where there is no assets other than him

OK, so you'll be able to check Companies House again once he's filed his latest accounts after the end of this tax year. In any case, as part of the financial settlement for the divorce, you'll both be required to declare your finances to the judge. It really won't matter what your DH thinks should be included, the judge will tell him what he wants and your DH will have to comply (and it won't go well for him if the judge thinks he's trying to hood-wink him).
I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Your DH's treatment of you is just appalling and you should not be living in fear of his wrath. Why on earth does he think you would want to stay with him when therapy and joint counselling have failed to teach him to keep a civil tongue in his head?
You don't mention physical abuse so when he starts being insulting could you put some ear buds in so you just don't have to listen to him? (Or do you think this would escalate his behaviour to something even worse?) I understand you not wanting to remind your DH about the "ruinous" information you have on him, but do make sure you tell your solicitor (your discussions with them will be privileged so they can't reveal it to anyone else, but it would be reassuring for you that someone else knows).
Best of luck with your solicitor appointment OP. I hope it clarifies things for you and gives you a way to proceed.

I'd go onto companies website and pay to get the company accounts for the last three years.
Write a list of assets and guess valuation.
House value and outstanding mortgage?
Pensions information?
P60s?

You don't have to pay you can download for free

Yes! LTD. thank you. I don’t understand this stuff. I can dig some more before the meeting.

Thank you. I really appreciate it. Yes. Just verbal abuse. It’s calm at the minute. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. New beginnings.