Finances, just cannot face this any longer

[Walesmam23]

Hi all

I posted last week about mediation and lies that had come to light following. By way of bg my ExH and I have one daughter, 6, don’t own a home and now live apart in separately rented accommodation. I have 2 other children who also live with me.

ExH had agreed to pay maintenance at CMS rate, and nothing else, but his salary is 4x mine and pension worth £210k to my £3k. I’ve been so traumatised by our relationship and am in so much fear of him I was ready to walk with nothing but my solicitor said the court won’t agree that so we had to come up with an agreement.

At mediation it was proposed he split the pension he acquired during our marriage and pay 2% of his annual salary over and above child maintenance as ‘global’ maintenance. I agreed but have since learned he’s been concealing income and I’ve no idea to what level as none of it was disclosed during mediation. He’s paid CM on the disclosed sum, not what he’s actually been earning.

I spoke to my solicitor today who has said that even without the concealed income the court would be unlikely to approve our settlement given the difference in income and age of our daughter and I need to go back to mediation and request full disclosure and an uplift of the maintenance to closer to 10% of his salary in order to get it through court.

The truth is I cannot face any more of this. I struggle financially, big time, but I can’t afford lawyers and fighting and I don’t want to live with the inevitable nastiness and scrutiny any extra payments will cause. I’m so broken by the whole thing and just want to move on with my life but don’t know how to do that without getting the consent order approved, and it seems I can’t do that without renegotiating and causing problems. He’s a bully and a manipulator and I don’t want anything to do with him but I know if he’s ‘paying’ me every month he’ll never leave me alone. I know I need to coparent and I’m doing a good job in the face of some major challenges, but I can’t bear the scrutiny that I know will come my way with every meal out or pair of shoes or haircut I get for the next 10 years or so. I’d rather be broke but free than less broke but under a microscope and bullied.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do?

So he’s self employed?
how did you find out?

You don’t have to be under the microscope. Go to court - self represent if you have to - get a fair settlement and then he will have zero right to ask you what you do with the maintenance he pays. And you can block him if he does.

Go for whatever your lawyer is telling you is fair. Think of it as something you are doing for your daughter. There’s no microscope. He has zero rights to dictate or question your spending.

Short term pain, long term gain.(as opposed to short term gain, long term pain) I know which I’d rather choose.

What’s the actual annual difference you are looking At?

global maintenance is actually quite rare in court ordered outcomes so it might be worth understanding what that value is and negotiating higher pension or one off £ saving s or ultimately deciding it’s not worth the fight

Find the fight lovely. This is for you and your children. Self represent - you can do it. Go for a clean break and get at least half his assets. Then go for CM separately.

Thanks everyone, I really really appreciate the replies. @Spottyshirt hes employed and earns around £90k from his job but on looking at disclosure there’s also money coming in from a side hustle, but that hasn’t been disclosed. He’s obviously got a separate bank account which hasn’t been mentioned at all in mediation or disclosure. @millymollymoomoo its impossible to know the difference but there’s at least an additional £7k in the last six months. We agreed when we split he’d pay additional child maintenance on any extra income he earned but he hasn’t been, I don’t know why I thought I could trust him to.

I have the ‘benefit’ of seeing the way he’s treated his previous ex wife and it’s been a constant source of anger and bitterness whenever she’s done anything like go on holiday with their DS or go out for dinner with her new partner or turn up in a nice outfit etc and I know I’ll get the same treatment. I’ve seen how the anger has affected their DS. I tried to step in numerous times during our marriage and stop arguments and mud slinging between them for the sake of their DS who’s 19 now and has all sorts of problems and the awful dynamic between them was part of the reason I ended up walking away. I just don’t want the same treatment for our DD but tbh I fear no matter what I do it’ll happen anyway.

I hear what you’re all saying about doing it for her, and that’s what is keeping me going through all this, I don’t really want anything for me, being free from the stress and toxicity of our marriage is reward enough - but she deserves a happy home life and parents who for the most part are able to focus on her.

I’m just not sure what the best way is to achieve that as one way means more financial security for us but an angry and bitter dad and a mum who’s having to navigate that, and the other seemingly means more financial stress for me, a dad earning loads and getting away with hiding it and a consent order the court won’t seal!

but on looking at disclosure there’s also money coming in from a side hustle, but that hasn’t been disclosed.

what evidence do you have for the side hustle? So he’s been paid cash in hand? So tax fraud too?

@Spottyshirt payments in to bank a/c with invoice references and descriptions of work, but no mention in the D81. May well be all above board in terms of tax but nothing has been shown so surely it needs to be if we’re doing ‘full and frank’ disclosure.

But it would be picked up by CMS if it was being reported to HMRC wouldn’t it

Joint bank account?

either way it will be tax fraud or CMS would reflect it

Only if CMS was managed by them, rather than just using the calculator to decide the figure

Well that’s what you need to do then

go through CMS

and if he’s paying tax (he won’t be) then it will picked up and reflected in what you receive (it won’t be)

Where you say 'it won't be' in terms of reflected what do you mean?

No not joint bank account, we never had one.

Meaning that if he’s hiding it op from you
id hazard a guess he’s hiding it from HMRC

So how do you know this? If in docs that he has disclosed, then you/your solicitor needs to pick it up and progress with him/ his sol

As part of mediation we each had to provide disclosure documents, including bank statements for last few months, and I saw it there.

So.., bring this to next mediation session
or ask your solicitor to raise

he has disclosed it but he hasn’t disclosed on the form. Your solicitor or the one you spoke with should raise as a point of enquiry

i will be very surprised if he’s being open about this to HMRC if he’s being cagey about not disclosing on a legal form

Firstly you need to get CMS involved, then his payment will reflect what he's actually declaring for tax purposes and they will review each year based on his tax records. It helps make it a bit less personal if he is paying "what the government says he should"

However if he is hiding income from HMRC, then it becomes more tricky.

As for the settlement, the courts will want to see fairness and you haven’t been coerced so do listen to your solicitors advice, it seems hard now but with a proper settlement and then the CMS sorting out child payments you can start to hold you head up and ignore his scrutiny.

Personally I wouldn’t continue to mediate until all Form E info was disclosed which is 12 months bank statements, tax returns etc. you don’t really need to pay a lawyer to issue proceedings and exchange form e (although you can pay to have to form E checked if worried). Once you have full disclosure you can get advice, resume mediation or make an offer eg for a clean break you could offset the pension and extra maintenance above CMS for a bigger lump sum. I’m not sure mediating with a liar works - my ex lied massively in mediation knowing I couldn’t refer to anything off the record later on. He was really just using mediation to bully me. Once you have full disclosure you can go back to a lawyer and ask what would be a sensible offer to be done. I waived maintenance to avoid dc being used as financial pawns so I agree sometimes an easy life and cutting ties is worth more.

ask your solicitor about negotiating a bigger share of the pension instead of a monthly global maintenance payment. It won’t help with your current cash flow issues, but it could still be a fair settlement.