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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Need a hand hold - separated and desperate

11 replies

Cheryllou · 13/02/2025 09:46

Need a hand hold - husband has moved out after 34 years and two kids together. He has been off for about a year. Now says he wants a divorce as he loves me but ‘not enough’. There isn’t another woman I don’t think as he has been consumed by his dad dying, his job and has taken our daughter leaving for uni very badly. I can’t understand it, other than this past year we were happy and I’m just so devastated I can’t get over it. On ALL the drugs, can’t eat or sleep and just about functioning. Crying all the time and just flooded with - possibly fake - happy memories. My stupid brain won’t let me get angry cos I have been treated pretty badly with him flip flopping- I want to make it work/I can’t do it over months and months . I do t want him if he doesn’t want me, although I kind of do if that makes sense. I’m worried for my mental health and just can’t get myself together to organise a mediator which he is pushing for. Have seen a solicitor but it seems I will lose our home. Life is unfair, I know, but I honestly can’t deal with this anxiety and sadness and constantly think about ending my life as every day is just unbearable. The only reason I’m not is for my daughters, pets and mum! Please help if you can, or have been through it I’m so desperate. X

OP posts:
Menopants · 13/02/2025 13:48

I will be amazed if there isn’t another woman. Google ‘the script’. I’m really sorry you are going through this. You will come out the other side and you will be fine. Talk to friends get support. Big hug

Lurkingandlearning · 13/02/2025 14:06

I think the first thing you need to do is tell him that everything that needs to be done other than you getting your own divorce lawyer, is going to be done by him as it’s him that wants the divorce.

Then just try to look after yourself, minute by minute, until the shock subsides and your anger kicks in. It will. And then at some point you will feel calmer. In the meantime you will get a lot of support here

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/02/2025 14:08

I’m so sorry op. But you need to find your anger and take back your power over your situation . I’d also bet a lot of money there is an OW, sorry. Get a lawyer.

grumpyoldeyeore · 13/02/2025 14:37

If he’s recently moved out / announced this is permanent then you need time to adjust and just say you aren’t ready to mediate or make important decisions now and to give you eg 3 months space. If he won’t wait he can go to court but the process is slow with long delays so nothing will happen fast. He’s probably been living with the decision for a while and adjusted already so needs to give you time to catch up. Can you agree payment of bills etc short term? Do you have your own income. It’s like grief and will follow similar stages - denial, anger, acceptance etc. you can’t short circuit the grieving process.

Notahandmaid · 13/02/2025 23:37

So sorry, OP. There may not be an OW if he’s had all of those things going on. It could be that he’s generally unhappy and is taking it out on you (that’s what my ex did).

Please look after yourself. Find a good distraction. It might sound silly but one of my friends recommended rewatching ‘Friends’ to me and that’s helping me with my break up. I don’t have to think about it and it’s comfort TV. Do you have friends/family around you you can talk to?

iamnotalemon · 13/02/2025 23:57

Oh I'm so sorry x

MotherJessAndKittens · 14/02/2025 00:13

Sorry this has happened but if you are married you will have rights over house and finances etc so you really need to get a lawyer specialising in divorce. Mediation may help but first speak to a lawyer regarding your rights. Mediation is fine but you need your own lawyer to ensure your back is covered. Does your DD know?

Cheryllou · 15/02/2025 10:15

I do thank you but I’m so needy! I can’t bear my own company right now as all I do is think about what I’ve lost and worry how I’m going to survive. I try not to but my brain not playing ball. Have signed up to some cbt and been given Valium for when it’s really bad.

OP posts:
Cheryllou · 15/02/2025 10:17

Have spoken to a solicitor- it’s reassuring but I’ll still need to move and won’t have a lot. It’s so unfair I’ve given everything to my family and I just want my life back so badly.

OP posts:
Imgoingtobefree · 15/02/2025 10:51

My divorce was the most difficult period of my life and I had initiated it.

This event is so sudden and unexpected for you it will be ricocheting around your brain like an exploded bomb.

I don’t think there is much you can do until your brain and body have had time to process it. You have to make the transition from happily married to separated in your mind and this unfortunately will take time, just like bereavement.

All you can do is survive during this period of horrible adjustment.

Do whatever you can to help yourself. Distraction and talking to family, friends and professionals. Find any support group you can. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up for not being able to deal with this ‘properly’ at the moment.

Other posters have signposted the practical things you need to start thinking about.

I have found the analogy used in bereavement about the big ball in the box useful.

At first the ball is as big as the box and it keeps hitting the edges of the box all the time (that’s your pain). As time goes on, the ball gets smaller and so hits the edges less often.

There were many, many unfair things in my marriage and divorce (they just reinforced to me who my ex husband really was). But now I’m divorced, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m trying really hard to let those feelings go.

I send you every sympathy- it’s such a hard time. But there will come a day when you look back and realise how incredibly strong you were.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 15/02/2025 10:54

Sending lots of love @Cheryllou
Join us on A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future
There are people on their at various stages of seperation. The thread was an absolute life line for me

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