Anyone had separation/divorce counselling?

[trailblazer42]

I don’t really think my stbx will go for it as he is so resistant to the separation but I am wondering about suggesting it because I’m concerned he’s really not moving on and still in denial. It has been nearly four months since I left him, nearly a year since I moved out of the bedroom, 11 months since I first said I wanted to separate.

I get glimmers of moments that I think he might be starting to adjust to a different life but then last night I get yet another message with a recording of him (badly) singing ‘Make you feel my love’.

I am seeing a counsellor myself and I know I have an overwhelming need to try and resolve everything for everyone but I really feel like he can’t move on and that I need to help.

I haven’t submitted the divorce application yet because I’m just so afraid of devastating him further. But I know long term my behaviour isn’t helping him. I want to press submit but I want to offer him help to get through it. He took six weeks off work when I left and I feel like this might spiral him like this again which isn’t fair on my son (18) who still lives with him and also as he is a teacher, the kids coming up to their GCSEs (which includes our daughter).

My counsellor suggested relationship
counselling but to help navigate this process but even if he does engage I feel like he might try and use it for reconciliation. Anyone any experience of this?

I think you’re being far too kind to him. Focus on yourself.

Relationship counselling can help people separate as well as stay together. But only he can decide if he wants to do this.

As the above poster said, are you sure you’re not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?

By not accepting the separation, he has stopped you applying for the divorce, so for him the tactic is working.

Is ignoring your feelings/wants/decisions part of the reason you want to divorce?

Submit the divorce application. You can't get divorced without divorcing him. You don't need to go to counselling with him for it, if he's got an issue accepting reality then he needs to get help with that. And I think it would be very fair to ask him to stop singing you love songs down the phone.

You might devastate him. That is an unavoidable side effect of divorce, it can be devastating but, you can't stay married to him in limbo forever because he won't like it if you leave him.

Time to move on, he won't unless you do. You need to lead the charge here.

I know you’re all right…I’m an eternal people pleasing perfectionist with high functioning anxiety. I want to make it as easy as I can for him.

Its less ignoring my feelings that has been the issue, more actively telling they’re wrong so I think some of this is me wanting to protect myself from those types of comments by showing him I am allowed to feel this way.

I did eventually call him out on those sorts of messages at the start of January but the little pleas and things like this have started to creep back. It’s so difficult as we have a shared hobby with our son and have to see each other weekly as part of that so I can’t just remove him from view.

As my therapist pointed out to me, you are not responsible for other people's feelings. You have been separated for a long time and should be moving on. I know you feel sad/bad for him but he is not your responsibilities any more. Also, I am certain that he will take your efforts as a sign on reconciliation. By doing this, you would actually be moving backwards and I know you do not want to do this.

Onwards and upwards!

That really isn't very long to adjust to a separation/divorce. You only left him 4 months ago. Which is no time at all. But he must sort himself out. There is little you can do under the circumstances.IMHO.

Four months isn’t long I agree and I don’t expect him to have moved on, just to have moved slightly! I’m away this weekend which he knows and last night at 11pm put a Valentines card through my door. When I went out at 6.30am I discovered he’d left a vase of red roses on my doorstep. This is how much he hasn’t moved on.

My therapist constantly tells me this @livelovelough24 I know I’m not responsible for his feelings but it doesn’t stop me from trying to help, even if he won’t help himself.