Divorcing lazy husband

[Jabbathehurt]

I'm the higher earner, house is paid off ( all by me, half was funded by gift from parents who didn't want him on the deed as predicted this situation, mortgage paid off by myself within 1 year). I have substantial savings and pension and 2 young children. Ex has agreed to divorce and has asked me to buy him a 3 bed flat in London ( no savings, possibly loans, says can only afford 800-1000 pounds for rent/bills/council tax, cannot "afford" to contribute to children's additional costs eg. classes, sports courses) but can afford to pay for coffee subscriptions, comic book subscriptions, TV subscriptions, magazine subscriptions, keto box subscriptions ( you name it, he's got a subscription). He is on roughly 36K a year and will have a police pension of 1700 per month. When coffee machine breaks, lo and behold, immediately he buys himself a new high range coffee machine. When things in the house break, its on me to sort it out as "house is not mine", but wants equity from house. Has anyone had experience with this type of divorce? I carry the mental load, I organise all children's activities, health appointments, school things. Though I know that I am going to lose money to him, I would like some reassurance that I am not going to lose bloody 50% of everything to him, as he doesn't deserve it. I doubt he can even look after the children on his own and will likely be relying on his parents to help out ( and to pay for his laptop, and to pay off his credit card loans).

Sorry to say but it’s highly likely you’ll 50% or near there.

you’ll need to gather all information about your earnings, savings, pensions etc to work out a ‘fair’ ( in the eyes of as division) which will include the length of marriage, ages, earnings, assets available and needs of both parties

what’s your proposal?

Tough situation to be in.
if you buy him a flat, will that be 50% of all?

In your situation, i would aim to settle finances with him out of court, e.g. you buy him a flat and that’s it, he fucks off happily to not bother for anything else.

Me and ex did this, i divorced him for a number of reasons and we settled with me paying him just under 50% of equity of the house, we didn’t go into splitting pensions or anything like that.
Sounds like you will be paying for kids stuff after split most of the time, are you happy with this?
How amicable is he likely to be? My ex was quite amicable and it worked out well. Once you have financial agreement and it goes through court he cannot then change his mind and demand more. So i would go for damage limitation here, you are likely to lose a lot if it all goes tits up.

Well, it would work if he could tell me how much he wants in the first place, but the greedy bugger wants to know how much assets I actually have. I've received Form E from his lawyers which includes any furniture or jewellery above £500 which should be factored into my net worth. Married for 11 years. You would think men should have more self-respect than that, if he chooses not to contribute and not save for himself or his own children. I've bloody put in £50K into kids savings accounts and he's contributed £100 to this (where I forced him to).

Also it's already tits up, his "friend" has reported me to the police for emotional abuse. No amicable solution there I'm afraid. Whilst I'm not happy paying soley for kids stuff, I mean what can you do? You want the best for your kids and if their greedy father doesn't want to contribute, you can't withhold that from them can you?

Sorry to hear it’s already tits up. In this case you need a good divorce lawyer to advise you. Perhaps the gift from your parents could be a separate thing and it sounds like quite a large sum. But this is where my knowledge ends. You need professional advice at this point.

Not necessarily. The house is only yours (paid off by your parents and you). Contact a trustful attorney. Secure all the documents and receipts.

Get a solicitor

Remember you will have the kids

Sounds like he has a pension pot?

@pinkopallino2025 the house is a marital
asset and op ex has a right to a share of jt

Whilst the house is a marital assets if the chunk paid by ops parents was properly ring fenced that may be outside of his claim. Equally that pension pot of his counts. Hopefully those two factors might lower the damage (he may agree to keep his pension in exchange for part of the home value for instance). However, my advice would be- you can make more money , you cannot make more time. Get a good lawyer. Fight for what you deserve. But also- be prepared to lose what will undoubtedly amount to a lot of money. That’s the cost of the time you get to spend without this useless mill around your neck. Make peace with that early on. He’s taken enough happiness from you, you’ve probably spent too much brain space on his selfish nonsense already- don’t let the loss of money keep you trapped in a bitter negative space, where his nasty greedy selfish manchild behaviour is still occupying your emotional space when you’ve broken free. So- lawyer up, and then detach. Come to terms with the cost associated with getting rid of this twat. In the long run, whatever £ you lose - the price will be worth it ime.

Im going on the assumption nothing is ringfenced else op would have mentioned that and wouldnt be concerned about losing assets she’s built up

Ballpark value of his pension is £400,000, maybe more. That also comes into the mix to be shared.

So was just alerted about this post being revived. Just a few updates - contrary to belief, his pension pot is worth pittance- 30K with the current company and the police (which he tried to hide) he worked only 4 years, so possibly at most 30K. Nothing is ringfenced, though I now regret not following my dad’s advice and putting his name on the house deed as co-owner. I have proof he has not contributed a cent and he himself has declared on Form E that he has (proudly) over the last 11 years, contributed a grand total of 49k to the household ( ie, rent). Since the whole fiasco, he has lawyers ( Penningtons) which his brother is paying for. He is living rent-free with his parents and has the children over once a week whilst I juggle with them 6 days a week and a full time job and maintaining the house. His and his lawyers’ tactics have been nothing less than greedy - he has claimed capital costs of a car ( he can’t drive), he went ahead to book a court date without first looking to see if we could mediate. He isn’t happy with the house valuation ( thinks its 50K higher) and since I had to agree to a joint valuation- he has contacted the estate agent valuing the house ( against the written orders to prevent any bias). Thanks for my neighbour who told me she saw him talking to the estate agent after the viewing. Also he’s made me run a land registry search on myself ( thinking I’m some sort of slumlord), to which I did a tit-for-tat on him and karma is a real bitch because its turned up a property owned by someone with the same name as him, which he now has to prove isn’t him.

I hope you have a good lawyer on your side too @Jabbathehurt , this is a lot to navigate on your own. And with full time job and near-full-time kids being at yours almost impossible. As you are main carer with kids spanding 85% of time with you, that should work in your favour, surely.

Sorry it all turned out this way, take comfort in knowing current situation won’t last forever and peace away from him will come.

Im sorry for your situation, it is galling, but he’s entitled to a fair share of all the assets. And is doing what don’t woman would do in reverse. In fact there’s a separate thread on here where a low earner decided to divorce a high earner with high net worth assets , none of which paid for of earned my the op - and most posters are saying she deserves more than 50% as the lower earner

I know it’s not the same situation and you have a right to be aggrieved but you need to follow the process and remain fact based however hard that is at times, he is likely to be awarded half or near there unless you can reach an agreement regardless of not contributing £

What a piece of shit. Exactly like my ex husband. I managed to get rid of my ex for £10,000. Mainly because I had something on him he didn't want everyone to know so he decided it would be easier for him to get lost rather than fuck around and find out.
But I fear you won't be so lucky. I'm so sorry.
A lesson in never marrying a pathetic loser for both of us.

He will probably get at least 50% because he is the financially weaker party and it's a long marriage.

Is that fair? Nope.

There was no way to ringfence anything. Your mistake was to marry someone like that. You are going through what men usually are going through. The lesson is not to get married to someone who is clearly financially weaker as on the day of marriage you effectively gift them 50% of your assets over time.