STBXH claiming to be the victim of abuse

[PinkGorilla]

Now I can get shouty and ranty with the best of them when I'm tired, stressed and overwhelmed. But is that abuse? Maybe it is, to shout at your spouse that they aren't helping enough, after asking them nicely first, to just get the usual oppositional reply....but when he claimed in front of his parents the other day he was the victim of abuse, it floored me! Is it abuse? I know I get mad and high pitched too easily. But where does it turn from being a stressed overworked and under appreciated wife to being an abuser? I'm genuinely interested. I hope I wasn't abusive.

Well I’d have said that shouting/ ranting and getting mad is abusive, yes.

Oh gosh I hope I wasn't. Not defending it, but to put it in context, I was never aggressive and standing over him whilst shouting, more exasperated and high pitched complaining while I was walking off because he refused to help when I asked nicely. I'm now questioning my behaviour now.

If I was being shouted at and ranted at all the time then I’d describe it as a toxic and abusive relationship- abuse doesn’t have to mean black eyes and broken bones.

Typically If you’re questioning your behaviour and wondering if you were abusive, you weren’t. Abusers lack the ability to take accountability

It's not all the time. It's generally when I've been rushing around with work, kids, cooking and cleaning for 14hrs and he's been sat at home for 3hrs on his computer refusing to empty the dishwasher. My 19yr old says he knows how to push my buttons and make me react when I'm frazzled and he does gaslight and play the victim without realising it...but I do fall for it and shout. So maybe I am abusive in a reactive way?

So now you know stop doing it walk away

Honestly on mumsnet if you dare raise your voice in your partners direction it’s called abuse. In real life people do shout, scream, cry. However you jumping in with the gaslighting comment is just as stupid.

Neither of you like each other. That’s the problem. The sooner you part and co parent like mature people the better.

If he is your soon to be ex, let him jog on with what he wants to accuse you of and why are you still seeing his parents? One of the sweet side effects from divorce, when I divorced, was never having to see his parents again.

I'm not sure that labelling you, or him, as abusive is all that helpful in practice. You are both unhappy with the other's behaviour and need to see if you can find a way to live peacefully together or if you need to split up. Couples counselling is a good starting point for clarifying what is really going on and deciding on next steps. However if you're sure he is about to ex that is a decision already made...

Yes we are definitely separating. It was when we were having a discussion about the financial side of things with his parents the other day (they'll be involved, as he will be paying me my half of the house with his inheritance), he accused me of abuse in front of them. I'm now questioning myself and wondering if the breakdown of the relationship is all my fault. I'm booked to have an initial telephone call with a counsellor on Tuesday, so hopefully we click and I can get booked in to go through it all with her. I'd hate if the breakdown of the family unit was all my fault.

I don’t think that abuse

on here, say something nasty - abuse
your partner disagrees with you - he’s abusive
you run up loads of debt so your partner wants to limit money - abuse
you shout once - abusive

now of course context and frequency is paramount but if noone was ever allowed to get mad and shout at their partner in frustration without being labelled as abusive then I don’t know

for me abuse is consistent and over time ( physical abuse excluded)