What do we tell the kids?

[Jo829]

I found out my husband has been having an affair. We have 3 DC 11, 8 and 4. How do we tell them we are separating to minimise the damage?

I’m so sorry, I don’t have any advice but replying to boost and handhold 🤍

Just try to make it as easy on them as possible. Use simple terms and make them excited about any changes. And try to keep him involved in their lives and be transparent with them so they know what’s going on or that can create anxiety for them

Mummy and Daddy are better off being best friends than being husband and wife.

We both love you so much etc etc.

Don't make it more over complicated than it needs to be.

Are there friends in their class/es who have divorced parents? You can say "just like XX and YYs family" do they don't feel ostracised.

Tbh I wouldn't make it a big deal.

Enjoy this amazing new chapter of your life without your loser DH!

Ps. Affair isn't a reason for divorce if you both want to stay in the marriage.

Thank you for your replies.

When you say transparent do you mean tell them daddy loves someone else?

Good idea to liken it to other children they know with parents who are separated.

This is completely over. The circumstances of the affair are unforgivable and he wants to peruse the OW anyway.

No, don't mention the affair, and I would personally not say you will remain good friends, it doesn't give your children a good view in life for what a healthy friendship is based on. Obviously remain polite and civil and keep your opinions of the cheeting areshole to your self in front of them.
Sorry he's made this choice, it is unfair.

This is what I would tell them:
-Mom and dad decided not to live together any more (nothing else)
-You need to know that this has nothing to do with you and we both love you very, very much
-No matter what happens you will have a loving and safe home to live in

I always say that most important thing is to remain calm and not show your emotions. If you are looking at this as something catastrophic, end of the world, braking of family etc, that is how your kids will as well. Good luck OP!

Have done this quite recently.

We did mention OW, not any specifics, but just that they existed. As per your situation OP, he very much wanted to continue that relationship.

It was a horrible thing to do i won't lie, but we did it together and reassured them his relationship with them was unchanged etc.

While there was no animosity in the situation itself, I did not agree to saying "we have decided" as it was completely out of the blue and he left immediately. It very clearly wasn't my decision and kids too old to believe otherwise.

Good luck, it's truly shit

How's it going @Jo829 ?

This is really bad advice. Trying to encourage your child to see the splitting of your family as exciting is wrong. There is no need to be doom and gloom but it is impirtant to acknowledge their hurt, upset and fear over change and to empathise with their feelings. Do not lie. Do not gaslight. Children deserve to have their feelings recognised.

Thanks for your replies. @Helpagirlout222 im so sorry you have had to go through this too. It really does suck!

We told the children together. Kept it very simple and said we were separating and Daddy would be living with their grandparents for the time being but we would still be friends so that we could make plans and share information about them and school, clubs etc. We said we both love them very much and that won’t change and we explained how the future might look regarding when they will see him, living arrangements etc. The older two took it badly on the day but seem to be ok now. We’re just focusing on keeping busy through half term this week xx

Well done @Jo829 that sounds like you handled it really well! I feel that's the bit we didn't do well, as apart from him moving out, we didn't have any concrete plans to share with them. Still don't!