Feelings during divorce

[Janelle84]

Anyone else keep having mini panics. I feel such anxiety not knowing how life is going to look post divorce. Not having another adult in the house etc. i know it needs to happen (its me putting in for Divorce) i dont want to stay after whats been happening but also i have minimal support IRL and unsure how money will pan out etc

It can be terrifying and it isn't less scary just because you've chosen it. But you'll learn fast and you're winning as you're no longer with someone who was causing you harm.

I divorced last year after 27 years together.

You are making a great start and will definitely find a way but it will be stressful for a while.

Depending on your age, you might be feeling more anxiety than average. You could see your GP and ask for medication/treatment.

I'm just coming out the side of my divorce after 30 years together. My suggestion is to just spend as much time with yourself alone to process your feelings. Some days will be MUCH easier than others. I also got some counselling and spent time at the gym. You need to invest a lot in yourself, which might feel quite alien at first.

Like everything it will take time to find your rhythm and routine. Weirdly, I have much (much!) less income coming in now, but can manage money better. And the house is tidier and calmer, now that I have complete control!

It is tiring, yes, but there is definitely a satisfaction at the end of every day and a contentment that I did not feel (maybe ever?) when I was part of a couple for a mammoth 29 years.

I love nothing more than spreading out on the sofa with dog, heated blanket, much tea and whatever I want to watch on TV with absolutely no compromises. Teen DCs leave me to it.

I think you will grow to love it 😊

And I agree with spending time with yourself. You dont need to rush into socialising, meeting new people etc. I spent months just being by myself and figuring out what I liked (see above re dog, sofa, etc!). Cooking new meals, making plans, buying fancy cushions. Like a mini-hibernation

Just got a non-molestation order come through today and he left this evening. I'm feeling panicky, shivery, filled with dread and incredibly guilty for the way things have ended up (DV and children involved). I'm full of self-loathing tonight.

@maaataa please try and put all those feelings into a balloon and let them go. You're not the one you need to be loathing. You have been treated badly but it isn't because you are worthless, he is the one with that label.

Thank you. Its good to know im not alone and this is fairly normal. I know ill be ok

You will be absolutely ok. Just really look after yourself and be okay to feel the emotions you do. Try and get a good circle of friends around you so you're not leaning on one person too much. We're here too!

I’m with you I’m 2 weeks into deciding enough is enough he has begged and pleaded to try counselling but when you’ve had 20 years of lying and deceit I have to do this on my own but it scares me. But it cant be any worse than that gut wretching feeling when once again you catch them out this time social media. Sat here on my own it’s pretty scary but there is no way back good luck xx

I am 18 months post separation and to be honest I think I’m only just getting my head around being a lone parent despite it being me who initiated the split. We aren’t divorced yet, I carried a lot of guilt for ending our marriage even though it was absolutely the right thing to do for all of us, and it’s taken me a long time to get used to the new life. I’ve definitely not been sad all the time but my anxiety has reached epic levels and I’ve had many, many panic attacks about everything from becoming homeless to running out of milk. We were together for ten years and a lot of it was highly toxic, I think I’d got so used to living in chaos and walking on eggshells that when things calmed and I had no idea how to cope with it and felt totally lost. Added to that money worries and working full time again and all the responsibility of being a lone parent and I just felt absolutely derailed. But it has certainly got better and when I compare how I cope now to how I was then it’s unrecognisable and I’m so much happier than I was. It takes time, there’s a grieving process involved even if you are the one who initiated the split. Most people don’t go into marriage expecting it to end so when it does it’s a massive adjustment, even if it’s fundamentally a good thing. Be kind to yourself and give yourself lots of time and space to process how you’re feeling and in time it will get easier x

I'm in my 8th year post split, coming up for three years divorced. The uncertainty at first is hard. I had some life coaching which helped me. Make a plan, even if you don't end up there, it's helpful to have a goal to work towards. My life now is nothing like I envisaged, but I'm good with that.

Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself. Grieve the life you thought you were going to have, then don't look back, it doesn't help. Take the time to sit with your feelings and acknowledge how you feel. Find yourself again, learn to love who you are and who you can be. You can be yourself now, let it out, embrace the possibilities. It can be scary, but it's also empowering.

It will be bumpy and shit at times, but you will come out the other side. You will be OK and life will be good again. Stay strong and hold the course.

Thank you, I appreciate all of your kind supportive words.

Same boat. I kicked my husband out 2 weeks ago after I caugjt him cheating. We have two autisic children i will no doubt be raised alone ( i was anyway). Filed for divorce the day after I caught him.
I'm sad for lots of reasons. 27 years together, all those memories are tarnished. I no longer know what to believe how many times he cheated
He gaslight me terribly. If you search for me you'll see the posts on how he lied.
I'm.scared of being alone, scared of being skint, scared of everything.
You're not alone in that aspect.

I’m totally with you the absolute gut wrenching feeling we’ve been trying to fix our marriage since way before November when I found Viagra. Wasn’t used in our life came up with, it’s was a joke one of the guys gave it to me, move on we didn’t address it but moved on, there is a history of me catching him out always an excuse. Things were dire over Christmas fast forward to a few weeks ago he suggested a date night in light of it being unbearable at home. The cinema, still very strained. Next morning, his iPad was there so I guessed I’d check. And there it was he had been messaging another woman,younger than our daughter who is 29, he’s 65, sent her presents and while we were at the cinema he had gone to the loo and messaged her to say “he would never do anything to hurt her”
for me that was it I could not continue anymore there was no trust it was over. He is now being verbally abusive (we are still in the same house) telling me that it’s my choice to break us up, he wants to try, I’ve destroyed our family. His friends have said “bit tight of your misses you were only texting “ but the trust was broke 15 years ago when he brought prostitues into our home when my daughter and I went camping. I have tried to forgive and forget but over the years he has worn me down. He said why keep bringing up something that happened 15 years ago. Because it’s been relentless and I just can’t forgive him. So life at the moment is absolutely unbearable trying to be away from home as much as possible xx

Wow, that’s terrible. Its not you whose torn the family apart. I hope you get away and live a happy life x

Need a hand hold - husband has moved out after 34 years and two kids together. He has been off for about a year. Now says he wants a divorce as he loves me but ‘not enough’. There isn’t another woman I don’t think as he has been consumed by his dad dying, his job and has taken our daughter leaving for uni very badly. I can’t understand it, other than this past year we were happy and I’m just so devastated I can’t get over it. On ALL the drugs, can’t eat or sleep and just about functioning. Crying all the time and just flooded with - possibly fake - happy memories. My stupid brain won’t let me get angry cos I have been treated pretty badly with him flip flopping- I want to make it work/I can’t do it over months and months . I do t want him if he doesn’t want me, although I kind of do if that makes sense. I’m worried for my mental health and just can’t get myself together to organise a mediator which he is pushing for. Have seen a solicitor but it seems I will lose our home. Life is unfair, I know, but I honestly can’t deal with this anxiety and sadness and constantly think about ending my life as every day is just unbearable. The only reason I’m not is for my daughters, pets and mum! Please help if you can, or have been through it I’m so desperate. X

Cheryllou I can’t offer guidance but you really aren’t alone everything you say that’s me I’m only a few weeks in but the gut wrenching anxiety is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I’m taking tablets (mainly homeopathic ) to sleep , to stay awake during the day drops for anger. The list goes on I actually want my marriage to end he doesn’t. I don’t want to be in my home with him. Having to sell our home after it’s been our family home for 25 years is incomprehensible. So emotionally I’m with you every step of the way xxx everyone says it gets easier we can only hope xxx

You're not alone.
Almost 3 weeks since I caught my shutbag husband of 27 years cheating. The pain is indescribable. People keep saying time heals ans that's what I hang on to. The lies and gasligjting he told me was something g else. The lengths he went to cover his tracks. He jas now trained the whole relationship i had with hi.

I’m so sorry I hijacked this post trying to create a new thread… told you I’m a bit mad now!

I literally feel your pain, it’s physical. It takes a long time to process so don’t make any big decisions until you are thinking clearly. Lean on friends, walk/exercise daily, make a list if the things you hate about him, stretch, take all the (legal) drugs, try not to drink too much and listen to audiobooks/podcasts. How to heal a broken heart by Jane Green is good. Much love x

Husband has agreed to the clean break divorce proposed. When i saw the email the same anxiety rose up again. Edging closer to the end i suppose

@Cheryllou im so sorry to read your post. You are hurting so much and it's not right. Could you get some therapy? Something has happened in your life which is making you think he is the best you can do and all you are worth. He isn't and you're not and he certainly isn't worth dying for. Only your child is - for them to be saved from disaster.

Get therapy, see a solicitor, start planning. I'm recently divorced and I can't wait to move out of this marital home and get away from the knob head.

@2025willbemytime thank you your message means so much. I am seeing a psychotherapist but she doesn’t seem great at the relationship stuff. I’m speaking to nhs mental health team tomorrow as I really do t know where to turn. We’ve been together since we were 18 so I’ve no idea what living alone is like and I just want my family back. It’s not doable I know. I think my anxiety is out of control right now, it’s clouding my thoughts. But I honestly wouldn’t leave my girls, or my my dog! Even tho in my mind we’ll all be living in the streets soon! I’m just hoping he’ll end up more miserable than me in the end. If that’s mean … sorry not sorry

I'm not sure a psychotherapist is the right kind of therapy but even so, if you don't feel they are helping then look for someone else.

Living alone - I only lived alone for about a year then was with the man who became my husband but I've now been living alone for nearly 19 months. I love it. The pets help but it's really boosted my confidence. I have moments when I'm going up to bed that I feel vulnerable in case someone breaks in as I'm going up the stairs but I remind myself I'm fierce and if anyone tries they will regret it. I'm managing everything and I miss him for nothing. Literally nothing.

You won't end up on the streets so stop wasting time worrying about that.

He will end up feeling worse than you. My ex has found this a lot harder than me and what I'd expect me to have been like and it just reinforces how inadequate and pathetic he is. He has a new woman but he's stopped talking to one of his kids, crap contact with the others and plays the victim. What a dickhead.