I've been with my husband for 17 years, married for 15. The first 4 years were amazing, right up until our daughter was born. She was very premature and it was a shock and traumatic time for us all. I felt like something changed in my husband even whilst I was in labour. He went from being the most caring, supportive partner to volatile, verbally aggressive and constantly blaming me for everything and anything. Even swearing at me whilst we were in NICU because i had allowed my mum to see my daughter when he didn't want here there that day.
The last 13 years have been fraught with constant arguing, he only really bonded with our daughter over the last few years and even then their relationship can be volatile. We also have a son who is now 8 who he seemd to have a better relationship with however cracks are now starting to show here.
Since Covid, he started working from home full time and things have gone from bad to worse. He started to become physical, not hitting me, but pushing me, screaming in my face and threatening to throw or smash things.
I'm ashamed to say, he has also been physical like this with both kids - pushing them and screaming at them. I jump in front of the kids and defend them, which is when he has become more physical with me and has pushed me over in front of the children.
I have threatned to leave him or throw him out on numerous occasions, I've even threatened him with the police.........he says he won't leave and doesn't car if I call the police and that i have no proof.
Over the last two years he has been studying at Uni and I believe the course he chose has helped him identify how unhealthy his behaviour has been and in fairness to him he has made some real improvements, is mostly calmer with the kids, although there are still the odd eruptions.
Over and above everything I have already said (and apologies, I know this has been a long post, but this is the first I have ever talked about any of this) there has also been an underlying entitlement from him re sex - he feels that we "should" have sex minimum twice per week and I should be affectionate towards him daily.
This is becoming more of an issue as time goes on as, despite his behaviour improving over the last year or so, I find it diffcult to trust him and get over his behaviour in the past. I feel like I'm always waiting on the next eruption and that I "HAVE" to be affectionate to him, not because I want to, but to avoid any conflict. I used to adore him and my affection came naturally...now I feel like i'm just going through the motions to keep the peace and its still not enough.
Today was another prime example - he WFH every Tuesday and it always ends in a huge argument as he constantly interrupts me whilst I'm trying to work then gets offended when I can't give him the attention he wants.
The outcome today was him screaming in my face, he phyically lifted my PC off my desk and threatened to throw it out of the window - when I said I would call the police he said he didn't care and they couldn't charge him as I wouldn't have witnesses.
I honestly don't know what to do. I have great friends and family but I'm too ashamed to tell them what is really going on in my life. We have a beautifil home and on the face of it everything should be fine, but I feel our relationship is so toxic yet I can't leave.
I grew up without a dad around and constantly felt afraid so really don't want that for my kids....but I feel like I'm doing them so much more damage by allowing them to grow up on this environment.
I should also add, I'm the main bread winner so he can't afford to move out and has threatned to take half the house, my business and investment property if i divorce him. I've worked so hard to create a secure life for my children, I can't bare him to take it all away.
Sorry I know I'm ranting...I just don't know what to do, I've always been a very strong, decisive person but I'm lost and feel broken .
I don't know whether to stay in the marriage and try to make it work, or cut my losses and run. He says I'm a coward and giving up...I just don't know what to think or do.