Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

What's fair - child contact

8 replies

Sprogonthetyne · 03/02/2025 14:27

My children's farther isn't necessarily a 'bad' person, but struggles with his mental health. We've reached the end of the road with trying to support him to stay within the family as he's having too much of a negative effect on me and the DC, so he's soon to be moving out and I'm trying to work out how contact will work for the DC.

He is not currently well enough to have the DC unsupervised, but neither of us are keen on them having to go to a contact centre either. I'm willing to do some of the supervision, but don't want that to lead to confusion about us still being a couple/family unit (from either him or DC) and also don't want him to just be tagging along while I parent the DC, he needs to experience being the 'lead' parent, and that won't happen while I'm there.

His parents are able to come and supervise one outing a month with him and the DC, and I would be willing to do another, but would 2 outings a month be enough? He says he would like to see them weekly, buy I don't want to be spending 3 out of 4 weekends with my ex.

He'd also like to come round for tea with me and the DC one weekday evening a week. In some ways it would be nice to have the help (DC have SEN and can be hard work), and for him to not just do the fun bits, but I'm not sure I want him in and out of our home.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 14:32

Start “being keen” on a contact centre. He needs help self regulating and accepting full responsibility for interactions with vulnerable children. This acceptance and accountability can start by his choosing to be responsible for arranging a safe contact point. He needs to grow up and manage his mental health crises and manage his relationship with the children safely. Tell him to work closely with a clinical therapist and to look into doing a WRAP plan (google wellness recovery action plan) that will help him monitor himself and his capacity for parenting on a daily basis.

IdPreferProsecco · 03/02/2025 14:36

It might not be the right option for your family, but just to make you aware that there are different types of contact services - eg some will support family time taking place out in the community, not just supervised in a centre.

naccc.org.uk/for-parents/types-of-contact/

HPandthelastwish · 03/02/2025 14:39

Contact centres are fantastic places don't be put off by them.

How much supervision does he actually need? Can you meet them at a soft play centre, you go off and do shopping or go to a cafe or whatever and pick the children up afterwards. He can buy them food there and theyll pretty much look after themselves with him trailing behind.

Don't let him back in the house once he leaves (as long as it's not his etc). It really is just best to draw that line. If you are going to have a mid week meal then meet somewhere outside, McDonalds/ a supermarket etc instead.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 03/02/2025 16:29

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 14:32

Start “being keen” on a contact centre. He needs help self regulating and accepting full responsibility for interactions with vulnerable children. This acceptance and accountability can start by his choosing to be responsible for arranging a safe contact point. He needs to grow up and manage his mental health crises and manage his relationship with the children safely. Tell him to work closely with a clinical therapist and to look into doing a WRAP plan (google wellness recovery action plan) that will help him monitor himself and his capacity for parenting on a daily basis.

If he was willing/capable of "growing up and managing his mental health crisis", I probably wouldn't have got to the point of leaving him. There has been years of making allowance and carrying the load to give him the time and space to get help, this hasn't happened and I don't trust that it will after he leaves, even if he claims it has/will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 03/02/2025 16:32

HPandthelastwish · 03/02/2025 14:39

Contact centres are fantastic places don't be put off by them.

How much supervision does he actually need? Can you meet them at a soft play centre, you go off and do shopping or go to a cafe or whatever and pick the children up afterwards. He can buy them food there and theyll pretty much look after themselves with him trailing behind.

Don't let him back in the house once he leaves (as long as it's not his etc). It really is just best to draw that line. If you are going to have a mid week meal then meet somewhere outside, McDonalds/ a supermarket etc instead.

Unfortunately it would not be safe to leave the children with him while I was in shop/cafe, at the moment he needs direct supervision.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 03/02/2025 18:28

Personally I dont think two outings a month is enough. Is there anyone you trust along with his parents ?

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 03/02/2025 18:57

millymollymoomoo · 03/02/2025 18:28

Personally I dont think two outings a month is enough. Is there anyone you trust along with his parents ?

I would be open to others supervising, but there really isn't anyone. He's very much isolated himself throughout his MH issues, so don't have anyone he's close to he could ask. We also don't live close to family, even his parents will need to travel 2h, which is why they can only commit to once a month.

OP posts:
Temporaryname158 · 03/02/2025 19:02

Utilise his parents but otherwise a contact centre sounds exactly what you need otherwise he will not lead parent. It will just default into him spending time in the family home and with that set up where is your break? Your time to do any tasks, take a nap, meet a friend and decompress?

use a contact centre and allow yourself time to heal and for a professional to monitor him with the kids

New posts on this thread. Refresh page