If I move out, what do I need to contribute to the family home?

GlassHalfFull10 · 2025-02-02T14:20:08+00:00

So I'm 7 months from telling my STBEX husband I want to separate and he is still dragging heels, putting every block in place to move things on and it's just toxic being in this house. I think I'm going to end up getting him out via courts but I can't see how I can live here while that is going on. It's not healthy for the kids or anyone. I can just about afford to rent a two bed for a year (I'll sleep on a sofa bed while they are with me). Before I tell him this is happening, I assume I'll be liable to continue to pay half the mortgage on the family house. Bills as well? It'll be a massive financial hit for me but I don't feel I have a choice. Anything else I should consider?

millymollymoomoo · 02/02/2025 15:04

I’d strongly advise against moving out as it will give him even more power to slow down.

as hard as it is simply push ahead with divorce and settlement if necessary via the courts.

what will be arrangements with the children if you move out?

CaptainFuture · 02/02/2025 15:07

From what have read here is it not unlikely the court will force him out? More likely a sale and division of assets, would that not be better all round?

BookArt55 · 02/02/2025 19:23

Seek legal advice, some offer a free first session.
I am not married, me and the kids had to move out, we couldn't stay. My solicitor wrote him a letter saying that in lieu of occupational rent I wouldn't be paying bills or mortgage. Just about to go to court to get him out of the house.

However I wouldn't move out unless a solicitor advises it wouldn't ruin your case.

Snorlaxo · 02/02/2025 19:25

Are both of your names on the bills ? Utilities and council tax will take your name off the billa when you move out.

Octavia64 · 02/02/2025 19:35

A lot depends on what his reaction is.

If the mortgage and bills are in both your names or just your name then he can stop paying them altogether.

This can force the mortgage into default and cause a lot of problems.

If he's still living there it's likely he'll continue to pay the bills so that he has gas and electric.

If the mortgage is in both of your names it means you are both liable for all of it. Not that you pay half each.

I don't know whether he'll do this or not.

Original poster

GlassHalfFull10 · 03/02/2025 14:35

Thanks so much everyone. Unfortunately I just got an email this morning to let me know that some freelance (sideline) work I was doing will be terminating in April so I’d really struggle with rent on my own now anyway.

I guess I’ll have to remain here and go down the longer route. I feel horrendously trapped. He announced this morning that he was going on a work trip for 3 days and didn’t have 5 mins to talk to me before leaving so nothing discussed again.

OP posts:

its2025 · 03/02/2025 14:44

He's doing the classic of burying his head in the sand.
I'm sorry - it is shite. I continued to live with my ex during divorce too so i know what you're going through.
if you've just lost your freelance work - then i'd strongly recommend you stay put for the time being. No point adding financial difficulties to your stress load.
All you can do is press on as much as possible with the divorce process? Where are you with that - do you have a solicitor? he can still reply to emails etc while he is away so you just have to keep prompting him at every step.

cestlavielife · 03/02/2025 14:46

If he stays he should pay all bills in his name and ideally all mortgage as he living there
But you still liable

Original poster

GlassHalfFull10 · 03/02/2025 14:51

its2025 · 03/02/2025 14:44

He's doing the classic of burying his head in the sand.
I'm sorry - it is shite. I continued to live with my ex during divorce too so i know what you're going through.
if you've just lost your freelance work - then i'd strongly recommend you stay put for the time being. No point adding financial difficulties to your stress load.
All you can do is press on as much as possible with the divorce process? Where are you with that - do you have a solicitor? he can still reply to emails etc while he is away so you just have to keep prompting him at every step.

Yep, he’s been burying it for 7 months, there’s always a reason we can’t tell the kids yet or discuss anything… never the right time.

I filed in October so on April 10th the five months is up. Not sure if there’s anything else I can do in the meantime. I got some legal advice but tbh it was a bit of a waste of time as the letter came last week saying ‘agree with your husband x,y,z’ but he just won’t. Sigh…

He won’t even discuss half term as I’ve told him I’d like to go to see my sister (with the kids) in Paris for 4 days and he’s said no. If I bring it up or ask him why he just says ‘you’re not taking them’. It’s all so horrendous

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Madickenxx · 03/02/2025 14:55

If he is not prepared to discuss, then don't. Initiate the divorce and separate yourself as much as you possible can within the house.

Unless you are prepared to walk away from your share of the house, don't move out. I did and exH played every trick in the book to make the house sale impossible, even with a court order. In the end I managed to get a small amount of equity out but it was around 30% of what I should have had of the court ordered 50/50 split. Years on, he still tells people how he laughed all the way to the bank but I'm OK with that. I rebuilt my life and am very happy while he is still the financially reckless man he always was, always trying to borrow money from our adult children.

Original poster

GlassHalfFull10 · 03/02/2025 17:45

Thank you and sorry you went through that. Ultimately I know I’m going to be happy on the other side of this as does he, so he’s trying to trap me from moving on.

is there anything I can start forcing at this stage or do I need to wait for April?

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BookArt55 · 04/02/2025 12:07

Sorry to hear you're stuck for the time being. That must be hard. I would consider moving documents, passports and other special things to a friend's house. I would also consider having a bag of everything you need somewhere safe outside of the house as a precaution. Often living together can cause further tension so if things escalate you and the kids can leave until you can get support. Change all of your passwords on everything to something completely random.
Have you looked in to if you are eligible for UC or anything? I'd get those applications started now because that takes time.
I'd also do all communication via email so you have a trail and evidence.
Fingers crossed for you!

Original poster

GlassHalfFull10 · 04/02/2025 15:48

BookArt55 · 04/02/2025 12:07

Sorry to hear you're stuck for the time being. That must be hard. I would consider moving documents, passports and other special things to a friend's house. I would also consider having a bag of everything you need somewhere safe outside of the house as a precaution. Often living together can cause further tension so if things escalate you and the kids can leave until you can get support. Change all of your passwords on everything to something completely random.
Have you looked in to if you are eligible for UC or anything? I'd get those applications started now because that takes time.
I'd also do all communication via email so you have a trail and evidence.
Fingers crossed for you!

Thank you! I think he has hidden the passports after I said I wanted to go away.

I have already moved my precious jewellery (not valuable but meaningful) to a friend’s safe and getting out a bag of essentials is a good idea.

Got to keep strong, I have some lovely friends to support me but it’s so hard…

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 06/02/2025 18:35

Well OP when you get going with the divorce make sure you get a CAO in place so he can't control you going on holiday with the DC and really ensure there is no control he can have over you when it comes to them.

What's useful is a stock phrase that you repeat if he keeps avoiding the conversation about the divorce. "We are getting a divorce so we need to talk"

Also sounds like you need a new solicitor!