Anything you can do about the spending disparity

BigRedBuss · 2025-02-02T11:05:02+00:00

I am at beginning of all this. I've told him I want to split but he's not accepting it. We still live together. Two young kids. I've got to make progress on this! He is very grumpy, difficult, and has been abusive (calling me cunt, stupid bitch etc) One of the many reasons I want to leave is money. He will do anything not to spend it. So for example he just found a toy in amazon our DC wants for his birthday and he said "my amazon isn't working at the moment easier if you get it" and sends the link to me. same with any clubs or classes - even if his suggestion to do something he will pretend he can't find his card and whstapp me the payment link. All clothes, gifts for parties etc is on me. I have tried talking to him many times and that's where we get the "stupid cunt" type shouting My question is there anything I can do about this post split? I know CMS but he may go for 5050 and also it won't be that much. Do I just need to accept that that unfairness will never be resolved? Or can you get it written up that he pays for certain things? But that probably won't work in practice- e.g. he wont buy new shoes as he won't notice/care they need changing Any advice? If I need to suck it up so be it.

Lighterlilly · 02/02/2025 11:07

You need to seperate cm from divorce, they are seperate, totally.

divoce the starting point is 50/50. Factors will be taken into account, like one can’t be left in poverty for example if they are older and can’t be expected to work, or sen kids.

child maintenance is totally different and is based on earnings and amount of time you each have the kids for overnight.

Original poster

BigRedBuss · 02/02/2025 11:10

I understand that. I'm not talking financial split in the divorce - e..g house equity and pensions.

I'm talking about the next 15 years of spending money on the kids. Clothes, school trips, toys. He refuses to pay for any of it.

OP posts:

Lighterlilly · 02/02/2025 11:11

BigRedBuss · 02/02/2025 11:10

I understand that. I'm not talking financial split in the divorce - e..g house equity and pensions.

I'm talking about the next 15 years of spending money on the kids. Clothes, school trips, toys. He refuses to pay for any of it.

No, there is nothing you can do. He has to pay what’s on the cms calculator, that is all. Anything further is simply his decision.

Savemefromwetdog · 02/02/2025 11:14

All you can do is go through CMS for child maintenance, which will be set according to his income. You can’t force him to pay anything else, no.

Lighterlilly · 02/02/2025 11:15

Sorry yes and if he goes for 50/50 nothing will be due, either you to him or him to you. Sorry op.

MangoBiscuit · 02/02/2025 11:23

Part of my divorce agreement was that essential spending on the children was split 50/50. We are 50/50 care too. So it's in writing that if the DC need uniforms, school trips, shoes etc, then we give the other parent notice, agree who will buy it, then we share a photo/screenshot of the receipt, and the other parent has 14 days to transfer funds.

ExH has tried to be difficult a couple of times, but there's not much he can do except try to start an argument, which I grey rock. He has also once offered to do the uniform shop, budget agreed, and he spent almost double and asked for half. After he'd shared the receipt, it showed he'd also bought a load of other stuff and want me to pay for it. I politely declined the extras, and ignored the tantrum.

So it's probably worth raising this at mediation, or with your solicitor, to see if you can agree on something similar.

Lighterlilly · 02/02/2025 11:51

MangoBiscuit · 02/02/2025 11:23

Part of my divorce agreement was that essential spending on the children was split 50/50. We are 50/50 care too. So it's in writing that if the DC need uniforms, school trips, shoes etc, then we give the other parent notice, agree who will buy it, then we share a photo/screenshot of the receipt, and the other parent has 14 days to transfer funds.

ExH has tried to be difficult a couple of times, but there's not much he can do except try to start an argument, which I grey rock. He has also once offered to do the uniform shop, budget agreed, and he spent almost double and asked for half. After he'd shared the receipt, it showed he'd also bought a load of other stuff and want me to pay for it. I politely declined the extras, and ignored the tantrum.

So it's probably worth raising this at mediation, or with your solicitor, to see if you can agree on something similar.

But that wasn’t court ordered, more you both agreed as part pf the divorce? The issue is her husband does not wish to pay, so unlikely to agree to this.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/02/2025 11:55

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about that no. There’s CMS as you know if payable which can go towards things but outside of that you can’t force him to contribute or pay for things for the kids. It is really unfair because the only person who misses out if you stop picking up the slack is the children.

millymollymoomoo · 02/02/2025 12:02

It’s difficult to get it written into a court ordered settlement because it’s hard to determine essential and who decides. Eg uniform. Yes it’s essential but how many of each item? Can they make it last a bit longer? Wait until grown another inch etc. you say they need some, he says they don’t etc

say a child wants to join gym club. Dad doesn’t want contribute, who decides if child does it etc etc. you can’t just sign them up and send him a bill

i think you’re going to find it difficult to get anymore than cms and if he has 50:50 then nothing

Original poster

BigRedBuss · 02/02/2025 14:05

Exactly my thinking @millymollymoomoo v difficult to put into practice. He is always suggesting clubs and saying "DC needs a new coat, this one looks shit" but then will send me the link to buy it. I just don't want that to be the norm post split.

@MangoBiscuit do you mean that is court ordered? I think that could work. He isn't explict in not wanting to pay for stuff. He just often pretends amazon isn't working, he's lost his card, easier if I do it etc. But if I get it in writing to say we go 5050 on stuff at least that will help with stuff like uniform even if the misc stuff is still up to me. He would never say in mediation "I don't want to pay for that." He wants his kids in nice clothes and doing hobbies. He will just to avoid paying if he can so I want something more formal so he can't always come up with an excuse.

But if it comes down to it.... My DC won't suffer because of our shitty adult relationship. I'll pay more every time rather than let them go to a party with no present or whatever.

OP posts:

peanutbutterkid · 02/02/2025 14:16

fwiw, in a civilised divorce (mine was), we ended up keeping a google workbook we can both edit & put items on there that are shared costs, for kids & cats (my cats still live with him). Most of last yr xH had spent about £1500 more than me and at moment I have spent £2.5k more than xH (I covered big cost for uni age DC).

Don't make yourself crazy over this OP, there are so many things you can't control.

MangoBiscuit · 02/02/2025 14:59

@Lighterlilly and @BigRedBuss It was part of the agreement that went to court to be signed off by the judge. We didn't have to attend court ourselves.

I've just gone and checked the actual paper work. It's one of the declarations in our consent order, so yes, court ordered.

It was agreed between us during mediation, as ex had a tendancy to get very stroppy when he had to put his hand in his pocket for things like uniform, and I didn't want to have to fight him on it going forwards.

FatLarrysBanned · 02/02/2025 15:07

If he's telling you that things need buying and sending you links, can't you just respond that you'll order it when he has transferred £x to your account?

millymollymoomoo · 02/02/2025 15:07

@MangoBiscuit the key thing is you both agreed, wrote it im and a judge didn’t reject it

a judge is unlikely to put that in an order if one party refuses - and as above can cause more issues than it resolves.

MangoBiscuit · 02/02/2025 16:43

@millymollymoomoo To be fair, he didn't really want to agree to it either. But in mediation, he couldn't give a good reason as to why he shouldn't. Not saying that it would work in every situation, but it did in mine, and it might be something worth considering.

As for it causing more issues than it solved. Ex can be very difficult, so I would have had tantrums regardless. I've had plenty about unrelated things, some of them didn't even have anything to do with me or our DC.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 02/02/2025 16:51

Lighterlilly · 02/02/2025 11:15

Sorry yes and if he goes for 50/50 nothing will be due, either you to him or him to you. Sorry op.

That's not necessarily true

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2025 16:51

If it gives you some hope, my friend's exH turned into Mr Bountiful when he got a new girlfriend and wanted to look like a nice father.

2025willbemytime · 02/02/2025 16:54

I'd stop worrying as he doesn't have a choice.
Divorce is one aspect.
Finances between you both is another.
Child maintenance is another.

Viviennemary · 02/02/2025 17:01

Are you short of money. People have different ideas on what is a reasonable amount to spend. I know folk who are perfectly well off but won't spend money on adequate heating. Do you both earn around the same.

Huskytrot · 02/02/2025 18:32

BigRedBuss · 02/02/2025 14:05

Exactly my thinking @millymollymoomoo v difficult to put into practice. He is always suggesting clubs and saying "DC needs a new coat, this one looks shit" but then will send me the link to buy it. I just don't want that to be the norm post split.

@MangoBiscuit do you mean that is court ordered? I think that could work. He isn't explict in not wanting to pay for stuff. He just often pretends amazon isn't working, he's lost his card, easier if I do it etc. But if I get it in writing to say we go 5050 on stuff at least that will help with stuff like uniform even if the misc stuff is still up to me. He would never say in mediation "I don't want to pay for that." He wants his kids in nice clothes and doing hobbies. He will just to avoid paying if he can so I want something more formal so he can't always come up with an excuse.

But if it comes down to it.... My DC won't suffer because of our shitty adult relationship. I'll pay more every time rather than let them go to a party with no present or whatever.

I think in this scenario I would send him an itemised bill every month.

Huskytrot · 02/02/2025 18:33

I think in the party scenario, if he's taking them then it's down to him to provide the present. You can grey rock that for sure.

MissDeborah · 02/02/2025 18:39

Post split -
Amazon not working-ignore
Sending you links -ignore
Card not working-ignore

He can buy his own gifts

He's guilt tripping and being verbally abusive
Agree get a court arrangement on how essentials are paid for -buy when he's sent you the money

Mumof3confused · 02/02/2025 23:36

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if he doesn’t want to pay he’s not going to pay. I pay for everything, and I mean everything post split, down to winter clothes for the children to keep at his house. He would rather pull the children out of a beloved club than pay for it. It’s a form of financial abuse. I get by thanks to a very generous local charity to kelps with cost of school related things like uniform and equipment, as well as some residential trips and extra-curricular clubs.