I love my family unit but not my husband

[Smalldandelion]

I love my family unit. I love us all spending time together, going on family days out, watching films together, long walks and enjoying a nice meal together. I love chatting to my husband about our children, the funny things they do and say, I still enjoy his company and we chat about our lives and our children’s future. However, I do not love my husband in the way that I should. I do not fancy him anymore and I don’t see a future with him.
I have seen a counsellor and she said not loving my husband is enough of a reason to end it. I feel so much love for my children and for our family as a whole which is why I’ve stayed so long. On good days we are all so close and enjoy each other’s company. But I’m not in love with my husband anymore.
Im planning to leave but feel so much uncertainty and guilt. Despite a lot of behaviours from my husband (in bad times) which has broken down my trust in him and broken down our marriage and my feelings for him.
But my lovely little family I adore and I’m sad that we won’t be a complete unit anymore.

All of life is compromise. You have to decide what's important to you and for how long.

If you like and love him but you aren't in love, and the kids are small, could you give it a couple of years?

Bear in mind that dating is a cess pit of unimaginable horror so you won't necessarily find. Soul mate. Would you rather be alone than with him?

And how bad were the bad times? Because MNers sometimes seriously underestimate the awfulness they're endured.

It sounds like there is a lot you like and love about family life, and some things about married life too perhaps? It sounds like you are feeling a bit torn about what you will lose but feel unhappy with the current set up.

It sounds like you have lost the romantic and deep connection you would like, with your husband. How long have you felt like that? You mention trust issues, are these recent? You could consider couples counselling if you feel there is any hope for change.

Can you elaborate on his behaviours in bad times? I didn’t know I was being coercively controlled and abused until my therapist opened my eyes. I don’t think this is unusual.

As a single mum I’d say think very carefully about choosing a scenario where you are in your children’s life for only 50% of the time when they are still little. Consider all of your options, even unconventional ones. Or think about delaying until they are more independent.

If he is kind, he also deserves to hear the truth and to be allowed to make his own choices.

This was me a year ago, I'd felt this way for a good few years. I ended it in April and haven't looked back. We are both SO much happier and the kids are getting used to having two homes. We'd been together over 20 years and it was a massive step for us both but 100% the right one.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I really do love my family unit, I love us all spending family time together and I love chatting about the children with my husband. The reasons for loss of trust and loss of feelings for my husband are verbal abuse, name calling for many many years. Our marriage was turbulent with daily arguments in which he would say the worst possible thing to me - either awful names or a complete character assassination/he would say terrible things about my parenting too. He admitted that his way of arguing is to hurt the person he’s arguing with as much as possible but he’s done so much damage with his words. He’s also threatened suicide in the past when I’ve fought back.

So much damage has been done by his words. We don’t argue much anymore, things are much calmer and happier but I’ve seen what he’s capable of unfortunately.

The difficulty is that because things are calm, we can laugh about the children’s antics/talk to each other about our lives, our day and enjoy family days out that it does make me realise what I will miss. In simple terms though I do not love him and the idea of staying with him for the rest of my life fills me with dread!

Breaking our family up feels terrible though 😔

That is so very abusive. No wonder you’ve lost romantic feelings for him.

I would be VERY careful to plan the separation, ideally with a therapist or coach who is well versed in dealing with this sort of abuser. For example Dr Supriya McKenna. Expect him to ramp up this behaviour when you decide to leave, and once he does not have access to you anymore, target the children to get to you. Do not expect him to act in the children’s best interests. Take it from me, I speak from experience and so many have had the same experience.

We don’t argue much anymore

Is that because he's done genuine, hard work on himself? Or is it because the whips are now in your own head. Do you avoid arguments and try to twist yourself in knots to not upset him?

So it sounds like your husband has hurt you a lot with his verbal abuse and that the trust has gone for you. It sounds like you don’t feel emotionally safe with him but that when you are spending time as a family you are getting glimmers of how it could have all been so different. Your husband threatening suicide sounds very controlling.

It does sound like you are feeling quite conflicted but you say there is no love there and thinking of being with him in the future fills you with dread. So presumably a future with dread is not what you want? Also you say you have nice family times but have your kids witnessed your husbands negative behaviour towards you and is that something you want? I hear you maybe feel guilty about splitting the family up but does all that responsibility really lie on your shoulders?

I have been in your position. And still am in your position really.

But have decided that since we all get on, although the love is now familial rather than 'in love' the price of my kids having to go between two homes, the stress of separation, financial difficulty of running two house holds ... it isn't worth it.. just because I want something a bit different (more intimacy).
Everything in life is a compromise and a balance.. It isn't forever and raising our kids together I do believe is better for them than to do it apart. I work hard everyday to provide that for them because in our situation I believe it is what's best.

Do what's in the best interest of the children. Whatever that may be.

When he called you names, impugned your character, made you feel low and sad and stooped as low as all this and more, he broke up the marriage. He should have felt guilt and sadness and stopped and apologised but didn’t. It is normal that you feel a huge sense of responsibility to do the right thing for your kids, but you being happy and sane (no-one can be treated as your husband did to you and walk away unscathed mentally - it will take time) is worth it.
I have met a lot of elderly couples who are unhappy and grew used to this over decades and should have done as you have! Am not sure that “staying together for the children” is ever a useful mantra if one half of the couple is verbally abusive, as your has been.
Be free. Find mental peace. Enjoy your new life.

I feel like I could've written this. Please could I have an update on if you separated or how you're coping?

I have also been where are OP and it got to the point where I was just not raising issues, not challenging anything, tolerating him being a crap dad, all to not put myself (he also got angry at the kids) through the torrent of abuse that would come my way if I dared to disagree with him. Thats not worth staying for because your kids will one day catch on and then you’re exposing them to this relationship and they think that’s normal and acceptable.

you’re not breaking up the family - he’s already done that with his unacceptable horrible abusive behaviour.

my husband grew up in a household with this going on and now he’s the abuser. He can’t see it of course - he’s always the victim.