MIAM advice | Mumsnet

Settlepettle · 2025-01-31T19:11:06+00:00

Hi all, I am posting as a friend of mine has been requested to attend a MIAM which I believe has been initiated by her husband. They are separated and there are some disputes regarding the children. I’ve never met him but I suspect from what she tells me he is abusive- apparently repeatedly threatening to take the children away where she won’t find them, take them abroad etc. he has been doing this for a 2 or 3 years. Surely this is domestic abuse (coercive behaviour)? my question is, what is her position regarding the MiAM as she has been told if she doesnt attend they can issue a certificate of refusal. Any general advice would be much welcome. What would be the best way forward for her? many thanks in advance

Snorlaxo · 31/01/2025 19:19

She can request shuttle mediation where the couple sit in different rooms and the mediator travels between them. (I’m assuming that being sat in the same room risks her agreeing to things that she doesn’t want )

Is she aware of what he roughly wants ? As a guess I am going to assume that he wants 50/50. My advice would be for the starting point of negotiation is that each parent has every other weekend so the kids get to chill with both. Then whoever has a day, picks them up from school so if daddy has Mon, Tuesday, Wednesday then he needs to drop off and pick up at school (or pay childcare that will do this) He can’t drop off the kids 7:30am and expect his ex to take them to school and pick up before he collects them after work. He pays or does those school runs himself. If Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday are school holiday days then he needs to take time off or pay and organise childcare for those days. He can’t drop off and collect from his ex’s house and go to work as usual. 50/50 means taking the day off if the kids are sick on his days. He can’t call mum and expect her to cover for him for free.

Doggymummar · 31/01/2025 19:23

Mediation isn't recommended for domestic abuse, I had one session and the mediator refused to see my ex husband as she felt intimidated by him. Imagine how I felt for ten years love. Has she reported him before. Is there a record; I hadn't so we had the one session

Unblended · 31/01/2025 22:13

As I understand it there needs to now be proof of abuse such as an arrest to get that MIAM exemption. You used to be able to tick a no mediation box and head straight to court. Not any more, Courts don’t want family cases as there’s no legal aid and the litigants in person (people representing themselves) turning up to ‘have their day’ to argue over birthday party rights or cats or lawnmowers were clogging up the system. Judges detest dealing with LIPs. So it is now institutionally a very bad idea to refuse to mediate.

Do the shuttle. I had to do this with my ex. It’s no problem. It does neutralise idiots.

Forced to stick with mediation, abusers/high conflict people can’t do the whole ‘I’ll drag you through litigation if you don’t accept my every demand’ schtick anymore. Instead they must attend mediation where they must sit down and be told what would actually happen if they did bother a judge with their nonsense. They are generally told that being hostile or uncooperative in mediation would work against them in court and leave them facing massive orders for costs.

So absolutely attend the MIAM. You will look better for it and be well protected. Present yourself as the party who really wants things to be amicable and avoid court. If at any point your ex gets difficult the mediator will split you up and have a word with them about their conduct.

And remember that false claims of abuse (the abuser’s favourite tactic) can no longer be made in mediation then accepted by a court without proof. Sad times for narcissists lol.

AnonymousFish10 · 01/02/2025 11:51

Unblended · 31/01/2025 22:13

As I understand it there needs to now be proof of abuse such as an arrest to get that MIAM exemption. You used to be able to tick a no mediation box and head straight to court. Not any more, Courts don’t want family cases as there’s no legal aid and the litigants in person (people representing themselves) turning up to ‘have their day’ to argue over birthday party rights or cats or lawnmowers were clogging up the system. Judges detest dealing with LIPs. So it is now institutionally a very bad idea to refuse to mediate.

Do the shuttle. I had to do this with my ex. It’s no problem. It does neutralise idiots.

Forced to stick with mediation, abusers/high conflict people can’t do the whole ‘I’ll drag you through litigation if you don’t accept my every demand’ schtick anymore. Instead they must attend mediation where they must sit down and be told what would actually happen if they did bother a judge with their nonsense. They are generally told that being hostile or uncooperative in mediation would work against them in court and leave them facing massive orders for costs.

So absolutely attend the MIAM. You will look better for it and be well protected. Present yourself as the party who really wants things to be amicable and avoid court. If at any point your ex gets difficult the mediator will split you up and have a word with them about their conduct.

And remember that false claims of abuse (the abuser’s favourite tactic) can no longer be made in mediation then accepted by a court without proof. Sad times for narcissists lol.

unblended, this is an interesting read ! What does uncooperative look like to a mediator? For example is offering an unfair split of finances and expecting the other party to accept that seen as uncooperative? Does a mediator advise what would happen at court or does that fall into the ‘must be impartial’ element of it?

Unblended · 03/02/2025 19:08

AnonymousFish10 · 01/02/2025 11:51

unblended, this is an interesting read ! What does uncooperative look like to a mediator? For example is offering an unfair split of finances and expecting the other party to accept that seen as uncooperative? Does a mediator advise what would happen at court or does that fall into the ‘must be impartial’ element of it?

Show quote history

So the mediator should advise both parties what a court would likely rule on based on their individual financial circumstances.

As a general rule the family courts are pro shared care and financial independence once each party can be ensured a reasonable standard of living and the mediator should help both parties understand what kind of financial arrangements a court would view as feasible. It tends to influence people not to expect any more from a court than a mediator recommends and to try to save legal fees.

Original poster

Settlepettle · 03/02/2025 21:16

Thank you all for your responses, good to get some insight into how the system works. It seems shuttle mediation may be a good option for her… I will pass on the responses here to her.

OP posts:

Lorelaigilmore88 · 03/02/2025 21:23

I have got a mediation exception certificate in the last year. You do not need to prove domestic abuse, domestic abuse is not the only reason for exemption.
You still need to meet with your accredited mediator without the other party (mine was on the phone) and simply explain why mediation is not suitable. It cost £140 and was emailed to me.