Why am I struggling with this so much

[strawberry2017]

So I'm coming to the end of the divorce process. It's 100% the right thing to do, we don't work together. He couldn't be the man I fell for and I felt like I was his mother not his wife.
It's been hard. We are still having to live together until the house sells. He's been very changeable with his behaviour. One minute lots of shouting, walking on egg shells constantly and then moments where he's really easy to live with.
Over the last couple of days it's come to light he's in the very early stages of a new relationship. I knew before he admitted something was going on because of changes in his behaviour.
Why does this make me feel so emotional though? I've just found myself crying so much the last couple of days.
Part of me thinks it's because it's hard to see him being everything I begged him to be for someone else when I wasn't enough of a reason for him to be that person. I don't know how to get my shit together because the last thing I want to do is confuse my kids even more.

I mean this gently but are you seeing this or are you imagining it, as I really doubt you see them together. And I’m fairly sure the very early stages with you were not as they were at the end. You even say he wasn’t the man you fell for.

and you know it is the right decision to end this. And that you are both struggling emotionally, you’re crying, he’s volatile. The stress of living together must be horrendous.

id two friends who did it, and honestly we kept telling them they had to get out of there asap, as the emotional damage it was doing was horrendous.

Believe me I want more than anything to be out this house, unfortunately the kids and I haven't got anywhere we can go at the moment and he won't leave until it sells.
It's the changes in his behaviour I've noticed, the happy, laughing positive him.
I think I obviously wrongly assumed that when this eventually happened we wouldn't be in the same house together still and it caught me off guard. X

But your behaviour has also changed, you’re crying all the time. I think honestly you need to try to steer clear of each other and give each other a pass unless it becomes violent or aggressive, it’s just hugely stressful for both of you right now.

living together at the end of a divorce with a house on the market is utterly horrific.

Oh I’m sorry OP. That is a total dick move from him given you are still living together. No wonder you’re feeling down.

Wishing you luck for a swift house sale. Hoping he does the decent thing and moves out in the meantime as clearly the situation is untenable. And a bit cruel, if I’m honest.

I didn't think it would bother me so much but I also didn't think it would happen whilst we are still living together. I think that's really thrown me. I think I always thought I would be in my own home and not feeling remotely in the middle.

I’m not sure, if this is the end of the divorce process, then they have likely been seperated and single for quite some time. I think it is ok to date again. Clearly not to rub the other persons face in it, or bring them to the house for overnighters, but I think it is ok to move on discreetly and start dating again and don’t beleive someone needs to be single and celibate till the divorce is finalised and the house sold.

it doesn’t mean it’s not hard for the op though.

Op this would absolutely suck - I can totally understand why you are gutted.

You are stuck in limbo with having to live together it will be much easier when you are not seeing him everyday

On the plus side who needs a man?! Eurghhhh imagine living man free?! Amazing!

All depends on how it’s handled I suppose but, on the face of it, not very sensitively in this case and has created more upset within the home.

Stressful enough for everyone - not least the kids - without all this kicking off too.

The divorce process happened quickly. In April we were still working on our marriage and by early May we agreed to end it and filed pretty quickly after.
I think this has just floored me and all the emotions I've been keeping in for so long have come out. I knew he would meet someone eventually I just didn't expect to have front row seats to it.

Sounds tough.
For what reasons are you still living together? What’s the timings on the house sale?

We have had the house on the market since July, it hasn't sold we have had a lot of time wasters so we are about to take it off the market for a bit to remarket it in a month or so.
Rental isn't an option financially for either of us whilst still covering the house. He has put his name on the council list but isn't remotely a priority (and rightly so).
He doesn't want to move out and I obviously can't make him as we are both joint owners. X

Op what does having a front row seat to it look like? People think he’s been insensitive about it and made you upset, but all you’ve said is you’ve found out he’s in the early stages of a relationship.

howver you also say you’ve front row seats, how you can see what he’s like with this woman, can you articulate what’s happening in your home, is he bringing her round?

Sorry no he's not bringing her round. It's the massive shift in his behaviours I'm observing and what he's telling me. X

Divorce is always difficult, no matter how much it's needed, and the right thing to do. It's still the end of a time in your life that you've spent with someone. Time in which you've brought a house, made it into a home, had children with. It's coming to an end, and the feelings and emotions factor into that.

It's understandable OP that you're upset, he's now making moves to restart his life as a single man, and pouring his feelings/emotions and care into another relationship. Your life however is still up in the air, and you've got children to deal with too.

It's a horrible time, and I really hope you manage to sell quickly. Have a good cry, and let your feelings out. It's healthier than bottling them up.

Hi OP,I've just come of the end of my relationship,we lived together separated for 7 months,I know how unbelievably difficult it is to do that.
He's moved in with the OW(the reason for separation) He handled everything terribly.
Aside from watching him changing which must be awful,is he able to stay out maybe once a week with friends or family at all?or are you? It would be a breather for you both.
It feels never-ending right now,BUT it will come to an end. Sending hugs x

Thank you for reaching out. he works shifts so there is plenty of time he's out, plus they meet up for hours on end. I have had to ask him to ask her to give the texts a break when he first gets in from work, they are on the same team but obviously nobody knows, but the incessant texting feels really intrusive especially when the kids are around. All through tea last night and before bed time the phone was just constantly going and it's every day. Once the kids are in bed he can do what he wants but the kids deserve his attention.

Ok I think you are setting yourself and the kids up for failure by wanting/thinking that he “should give the kids more attention.” I mean : you are right ! Of course you are right! But he’s an arse and that is why you are divorcing him.

You are mourning the death of the relationship and thinking about how hard this is on the kids? He isn’t. He is treating the house as his lodging, you are just the annoying landlady/housekeeper with her annoying kids. He is utterly focused on recouping whatever face he lost by your divorcing him. And focused on trying to get his leg over and perhaps free housing so he can leave everything (you, house, kids) behind.

Stop crying! Take a deep breath and stop torturing yourself with what ought to have been. He was never the man you thought he was. Could never maintain the front long enough to be a good, attentive, father either. He is showing attention to this new woman but not because you don’t measure up or weren’t worthy but because he needs sex, housing, and validation from her as he shit the bed with his first family. He’s just a gambler who moves on from the game when there’s no more money in the pot. Nothing to do with your value as a person. Gamblers gotta gamble. Users gotta use.

I had similar when my ex got together with my ‘best friend’, this was during the divorce, although I had moved out I was still in the same village.

I then spent a year living hundreds of yards away from her living with him in my marital home (I still co-owned with him). It was hard.

But I reminded myself that I didn’t want to be with this man, and although she must have thought he had a good side, I knew he didn’t. I wanted out and the new situation didn’t change that.

I tried to reframe it - if he’s happier, then perhaps the divorce will be easier.

It’s all you can do. It will get easier over time, but this will upset you. But just consider it a temporary set back. Everyday that passes gets you closer to your future.

Thank you! I needed to hear this. X

You are right. He has been happier and it has made living with him easier. I just need to focus on getting this house sold and then the kids and I can start our new life. I feel bad for the new girl, she's vulnerable and has no clue who he really is.

Thank you all so much for reaching out, I feel like I've turned a corner the last few days; the tears are gone: the mental block is there but I'm writing things down to remind myself. I'm also starting counselling on Monday through work to try and help me work through the many years of emotional abuse and mind games so I can get through these next few months until we are out of here x