Housing - how would you proceed?

[TennerTuesday]

I've started quite a few threads on here...I'm desperate to leave my marriage. Its not salvageable, but I'm hampered by the usual things...guilt, money, fear. I know at some point I need to just gather the courage to take that first step, but I need some advice on what that should be.

We own our house jointly, but neither of us can afford to buy the other one out, so when we split it will need to be sold. We have 2 children under 10.

I am the one initiating the divorce so I dont think I can ask him to move out.

Option A: we separate but continue living in the house together until it sells, and then hopefully I will have enough equity for a TINY place of my own.

Option B: I move out straight away and rent somewhere. I would be eligible for UC to help with the costs of this, until I receive the equity from the house sale - at that point I'll need to either use the equity to pay the rent, or buy somewhere.

Which option would you choose? We have no family nearby that either of us can stay with while we navigate all of this.

It depends really on the reasons for ending the marriage, and what kind of person he is.

If there’s no abuse and it’s more of a fallen out of love situation then I’d always say you’re best off financially living together in the home until it can be sold and then it’s a clean break and you both walk away with your money. It saves anyone having to spend money on renting a separate place and keeps things consistent for kids until you’re able to move out.

But obviously there are circumstances where that is simply not workable if there is abuse for example.

We did A. It was tough, I can’t deny it, made tougher by a slow housing market and a non-standard house and a controlling DH who really did not want the divorce and was angry and humiliated. But it saved us thousands and I suspect if just one of us had the home to ourselves we’d have found selling even harder.

It really depends on how amicably you feel you can carry on sharing the home afterwards.

My worry with staying in the house is it gives me less time and flexibility to find somewhere new when it sells. My budget would be very small and my choices limited - what if the house sells and I've got nowhere to go?

With UC and renting there is a 6 month grace period after I receive the equity where I can still claim whilst looking for a new place to buy. But this means several moves for the kids.

Its mostly a falling out of love situation but he has behaved badly in the past - cheating, anger issues. I dont fully trust his volatility.

My friend did B, got UC and it worked out well as her ex was also volatile and it removed any financial control he had over her. It didnt affect how much of assets she ended up with. She used the time on UC to retrain and get herself into better financial situation. Can your ex afford to pay the bills if you move out? Ideally it shouldnt be about blame for the separation but what is best for children. if he moved out and you stayed could you manage the bills? You would still be contractually responsible for the mortgage if you are named on that so he would need to agree to cover that (sometimes this can affect how much CM is payable).

Argh, I hadn’t thought about the fact I would still be liable for my share of the mortgage. I couldn’t afford that on top of rent 😣
this is so hard.

I feel like giving up. I’ve tried to tell him over and over for a year now that the marriage is over for me and he won’t accept it. I feel like me moving out is the only way to make it clear.