Younger husband by 12 years want to divorce

[Tryingtogoonholiday]

Hi everyone,

After some advice please. Feeling pretty heartbroken and in a dire financial situation as I’ve been a SAHM for almost 20 years.

My husband is 38 and I am 50. Quite an unusual age gap I know. We’ve been together 17 years and married for 14. We have a 10 year old daughter and I have a 19 year old son from my previous marriage. So yes- this is divorce number 2 for me!

My husband and I have always been the best of friends and had what I thought was the happiest of marriages. It’s been a tough year or so with my parents - they are both in their 80’s. Dad is now in a nursing home and mum has bipolar, I have a very difficult relationship with them and a lot of childhood abuse/trauma which quite frankly has never stopped long into my adulthood I’ve been having therapy for over a year.

Last October my husband said he has been unhappy for the last 3 years with all the stress and tension my parents put on our marriage. I had no idea how unhappy he was because he certainly gave me no clues. I was totally shell shocked and still in denial if I’m honest. That, at least, is his excuse for him wanting the divorce. He refuses to attend couples counselling as he says the outcome will be the same. So, I’m suspecting there’s another woman involved- he claims not- although I’m not stupid and only time will tell. There is no evidence or sneaking around but as I say only time will tell. I’ve probably been traded in for a younger model!

We have not told the children and we are still living under the same roof, we haven’t started the divorce process yet, and he wants to do a no fault divorce. He can’t afford the mortgage/bills and move out and rent at the same. As I’ve already said I don’t work and he is still supporting me financially.

I’ve sought some legal advice (free half hour phones calls) and I’ve been given contradicting advice that has not been very helpful!!

He is a high earner plus commission- his wage has allowed me to stay at home, and that’s been our lifestyle choice.

Obviously things will now have to change and I will need to get a job at 50! Feel terrified as I’ve been out of the work place for almost 20 years. I don’t have a profession, scraped by having a handful of GCSE’s but I failed maths miserably. I’ve been looking about and can’t get anything decent without maths so will have to go to night school to re-take. In my 20’s I worked in an office on a switchboard/reception but even now it looks like you must have maths to be considered.

Im seriously concerned as I don’t have a private pension - he has another 30 years of earning potential, I only and have 17! I know I’m entitled to half his pension but by the time he can start to withdraw it I’ll be 80!!

I also put £150K down as a deposit for our first house. This was the settlement from my first divorce. We lived together for a year before marrying so is that money classed as mine as such as it wasn’t acquired ‘during’ our marriage?

I know I need to get proper legal advice but have any of you guys been in this kind of position being married to a younger man 12 years your junior? I feel such a twit and stupid for marrying someone so young now.

thank you all for reading, if you’ve managed to get this far- sorry for any typos xx

Just on one thing
>> I know I’m entitled to half his pension but by the time he can start to withdraw it I’ll be 80!! <<

That's not how it works. Usually you become a scheme member in your own right, and take it at your appropriate age (which could be as early as 57 for some schemes). Or, you get some offsetting sum now that is equivalent (e.g. you keep pension, but I get £xxx,xxx).

>> he wants to do a no fault divorce. <<
If in England/Wales, all divorce is now no fault.
So you can 'generously' agree to that (!).

The 150k is a marital asset which will form part of the pot for splitting. As will his pension. That will get split and a portion transferred to you now to invest in your own pension,

you can’t expect to ringfence your asset but then expect him to have yo share everything. What’s yours is yours and what’s his is yours right.

ultimately any assets, equity, pensions etc will be in the pot and split. Your ages, earnings potential and length of marriage will be used to guide the outcome so it’s likely you’ll receive higher share of capital.

Ultimately you needs 2 bed property for yourself and 10 yo, will also get cms and likely uc top ups to any earnings ( you’ll be expected to work full time)

his commission won’t all be counted as it’s not guaranteed

traded in for a younger model, i think thats a bit unfair. you dated a 21 year old, you did the same no?

you'd get the pension at your pensionable age, not his.

i'd look into to some short courses, at local college or basic math course provided by the local council. so you can start to get back into the feel of things.

Have you thought about doing some self-employed cleaning? It's tiring but better paid than an entry level admin role. Or you could look at short courses such as massage.

Or (as was recently recommended to me but I can't do it because I can't leave my dog) you could do a foot health course, which you can do very quickly and this is much in demand.

Don't spend time thinking why he's doing it, if there is another woman etc. None of that is important right now nor does it have any impact on the outcome of the divorce. You need to read about what you are entitled to.

The house deposit you paid is a marital asset as you were together at the time and your marriage is considered a long one. Both your pensions will need to be added to the pot (even if yours is tiny), any equity in the current house too plus any other savings or debts. Then it will be split. There is no way of knowing how it will be split but count on and plan around it being 50-50 and if you end up with a little bit more then that's just a bonus, but it definitely won't be less.

If neither of you can afford to run the house then you will need to sell and move to two smaller properties.

You mentioned that your parents are both elderly, would it be possible for you to move in and work as a paid carer for your mum? Or would that be too difficult for you given your relationship?

That sounds difficult & I wouldn't be surprised if he had someone else in mind - even if nothing has happened yet.

You could definitely get work - but it's not ideal at 50 when you want to be slowing down. I guess with a 14yo you could get universal credit. You might have to do cleaning, shop work, cafe work which don't need many qualifications. You might get care work - some older people need someone as a kind of PA to do little jobs for them.

You might get some inheritance maybe?

You got together when he was 21, then he supported you and your child through you being a SAHM when he was in his 20ies, then you married and have a 10 year old? Yes, that's quite unusual. I know it hurts, but him finding a 'younger model' is the same as what you did, and probably only finding someone his age.

I don't have a lot of advice for you, but I hope everything will work out for you and your family.
Seems like you have a good plan regarding going to night school.
Best of luck!

What jobs are you looking at? I’m mid 40s and never ever been asked for my GCSE certificates, the minimum I have are worth nothing as can’t remember any of it but no harm in redoing.