Paralysed by guilt: advice needed

[Anon260]

Hi all. I don’t post often here. Long story short: been married 15 years but got married really quickly after meeting my wife. We have an amazing daughter who is now 13. I have been unhappy for a long time but now my wife is actually making an effort to address my grievances. However, I do not love her. I care about her a lot. She is a good person and a good mom. But I don’t love her and don’t have desire for her anymore.

I know deep down that the best approach is to separate and get a divorce. But I feel guilty over the pain I will cause my wife and over the pain I will cause my daughter. I know I will be generous and I know I will do my best to be around and to offer support, but I can’t think past the horrible initial moments when I say I need to leave. What complicates matters for me is that I am a life long people pleaser. I constantly worry about disappointing others. And I actually do care about my wife’s wellbeing. My daughter is the love of my life. We have an amazing bond together. I worry she will feel betrayed.

has anyone here been in the same boat? How can I overcome this unbearable feeling of guilt? I know guilt is not a reason to stay, but it’s crippling me.

Yes…and to be honest, without counselling I wouldn’t have left. I still have lots of people pleasing issues…have high functioning anxiety and the guilt of wanting to end things and feeling like a complete failure/disappointment was really hard and resulted in a lot of anxiety which I was given antidepressants for.

There was a trigger event that lead to me introducing the idea that I wanted to leave but it took me nine months to actually leave, including getting to the point of discussing divorce and then me backing down. In the end I told him and moved out because I didn’t trust myself to follow through even though I knew it was what I wanted. I was devestated the first time I decided to stay and couldn’t put myself through that again.

I’m in that position too. Married for 18 years, kids 16 and 14. Husband not a bad man by any means. He’s an excellent dad and we get on ok but we’ve become more like housemates. I know we need to separate but I feel so bad at the thought of telling him and the kids. So no advice I’m afraid but just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

I feel the same. Married for 18 years with 2 teenagers. Don't hate my husband but have fallen out of love with him. Have tried to leave before and felt emotionally blackmailed by him and my family. Have been attending counselling and that's helping me gather the strength to go

Thank you for all this. What worries me a lot is how my daughter would take it. I will reassure her that I will be present in her life. I will do everything I can to stay close to her. But it’s this uncertainty that it killing me. I am also worried about my wife, but my kid is the biggest concern.

What are your grievances and would your wife be surprised to know how you feel? Do you think a break up would be amicable or not?

What about your daughter - do you think she knows you are unhappy? (Kids pick up on a lot, by the way.)

If you end up sharing custody 50:50 then you might preserve your amazing bond with your dd. But she’s becoming a young woman, and this is a difficult age. In some ways, harder to face a break up as a teen - when hormones make you feel “injustice” very deeply, when you’re quite self-centred, and when you no longer hero worship your parents. She will be asserting her independence in the next few years, and she will judge you - you might find she decides she’s not impressed by you splitting up a family home in which your dw is trying really hard.

This is why I am worried about my daughter.

My wife won’t be surprised, because we have discussed divorce and she said early on that my daughter needs me no matter what happens.

It took my wife years to acknowledge my grievances. And when it happened in the last 3 months, I felt it was too little too late. I feel guilty over that.

my wife says she loves me and I know that I do not love her back. I care about her and I care about her feelings.

I know what I need to do for everyone’s sake, but it’s really hard when I know I will end up hurting people I care about.

This is exactly how I felt. Honestly, if you can talk to a counsellor I would recommend it. Mine challenged me on how I thought people would react. In all honesty, I had an overinflated opinion of how everyone would be impacted. Beyond my husband and kids…I was worried about joint friends, my parents, his family etc. They’ve all been very understanding.

My husband has taken it very badly…he had six weeks off work because of it. But I’ve come to accept that his reaction is his responsibility.

Thank you so much for this. I know that her feelings are her responsibility. But I am struggling to accept this. Maybe I am worried that if she struggles a lot, then my daughter will also struggle.

I am in therapy. Been in therapy for about a year now. I shed a lot of baggage. I have forgiven my wife. I am trying to forgive myself because I have not been the perfect partner either. I am close. What I am stuck at is the feeling of guilt and fear of speaking up.

You need to consider that you are further along in the separation process potentially than your wife, so she may well need more time to get her head around it than you.

Presumably you've considered future housing and financial plans, as well as the split of custody of your DD etc. Your wife will probably need some time and head space to work this out too.

After you've explained you want to divorce, can you make plans to give your wife time with her friends, family and just alone time to dissect the information and work out her next steps?

This would mean taking over the majority of childcare, cooking and cleaning etc so she has time to speak to friends, solicitors, cry out of sight of your DD etc.

This would also be reassuring to your DD that you are leaving your wife, but not your daughter and you plan to be a full time, hands on parent.

You will also need to give your wife and DD some alone time together, so your daughter has a chance to talk through any concerns she has with her as well as with you when you are parenting.

You don't want to leave the separation discussion too long as your DD is approaching GCSE age and you want to give her as much time as possible to adjust before they start.

thanks for the advice. I am willing to do this and more if it eases the burden of separation and helps with the transition.

One of the reasons why I feel awful/selfish sometimes is that I feel that many people would accept my situation: wife who is trying, keep my daughter happy and stay in a lovely house without losing money. It doesn’t feel terrible. But is “not terrible” really the yardstick? Don’t I deserve a shot at being happy?

I understand why you might feel guilty at wanting to get a divorce but in many ways it would be worse to stay. It wouldn't be fair on your wife to let the marriage rumble on. The honest and right thing to do is to separate. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

I am in the same position. I want to leave but too scared to tell my wife and the hurt it will cause her. Sometimes I think I should just tell her and leave immediately, others I should just speak to her and tell her how I feel without leaving immediately.

Hi, how are things now after leaving?

@leotirani Wondering why I held out for so long to be honest! Reactions have been nothing but supportive from everyone in the vein of ‘life’s too short’.

My husband took it very badly and had six weeks off work. He constantly messaged me in that time…swung between undying love and insults about my mental state. I felt like I owed him the chance to vent but after two months it was affecting me so much I asked him to stop.

Now we’re a bit in limbo but I’m just finding my feet in a new house and it being just me and my daughter. It absolutely kills me my son is at home with his dad but he’s nearly 19 and has a job so he’s moving to independence anyway.

I feel guilty admitting it to people but I’m genuinely so much happier in myself. My husband keeps telling me to come home and he can make me happy but I don’t think he realises that I am already.

You once loved your wife. Now you say you don’t. So something changed?
have you tried marriage Councelling - the type where you really listen to each not. Not air your grievances.
It will destroy your family if you leave. I would give it some make time. Find a really good marriage therapist who will help you reestablished a connection.
Write down all the things about your wife that you like/love.
If you divorce there will be a heavy cost- financial and emotional.
Your daughter will have to choose - for a long long time who she spends time with at birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc.
You may not get to spend time with here on these occasions.
Depending on the decisions you and your wife take about future partners she will also have to deal with welcoming a stranger into her family environment.
There won’t be a dating pool out there if wonderful amazing women with no baggage and issues. Life isn’t like that.

You can have a shot at being happy in 5 years, when your daughter is an adult.

Breaking up your daughter's family when there is no abuse involved would be a very selfish thing to do; you know this, which is why you feel guilty. Just be patient.

It doesn't matter what is or isn't fair on his wife; his daughter is the priority here.

I’m a firm believer in function not form for families…I was not being a great parent when I was being stressed, anxious and constantly on edge. Yes we were together but the last burden I want to place on my kids is that they feel responsible for my unhappiness. So many people I’ve spoken to have said their parents should never have stayed together and they were miserable for the sake of their kids, and how much they now feel responsible for that.

You can have a shot at being happy in 5 years, when your daughter is an adult.
Breaking up your daughter's family when there is no abuse involved would be a very selfish thing to do; you know this, which is why you feel guilty. Just be patient.

Ah, great idea- mum can be miserable because she doesn’t know if her husband is leaving her, dad can be miserable because he doesn’t want to be around mum, child can spend whole time thinking either it’s a normal family dynamic or wondering and praying her parents will start acting more like she remembers.

Myself and dh had a bad year last year, we ‘hid’ it from the kids- it just resulted in the most miserable household. And as someone who spent the whole year praying dh loved me, while trying to get ‘me’ back and figure out what my future would be as a single mum- I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’d rather be single than hoping someone would love me and waiting for them to figure their stuff out

As the wife if someone whonhas been cheated on because he was too much of a coward to leave, please just be honest and do the right thing and leave. It will hurt but a lot less than doing anything awful.