Feeling strong enough to seperate!

[Yearofbravery]

After 10 years together, 5 years married, 2 DC aged 3 and 5, I've decided I can't do this anymore. The past couple of years have been so difficult. Admissions of addictions, narcissist tendencies, unnecessary lies and a relationship that feels like 2 friends cohabiting than a marriage. Every day it's getting harder for me to put up with things.

I feel I've become stronger as a person in the past year and now know a lot of the things I've put up with aren't acceptable. He asked for a final chance a couple of months ago but nothing has changed. Every single thing now feels magnified...

Todays examples...

• I don't smoke or vape and have kindly asked him to vape outside because I can't stand the smell but apparently it's an unreasonable request.

• I work night shifts and get back at 6.30am. He usually sleeps in until his first meeting at 9am. I asked if he could try and help get the DC ready or perhaps take them to school/nursery given I'm so knackered...nope...it's an unreasonable request.

*Everything i do or say is basically wrong...even if he doesn't know the answer

petty examples sorry!

Can anyone give me hope at separating at 33 with 2 children. I feel like such a failure. Part of me just wonders if everyone is secretly in unhappy marriages and that it's better than being alone (logical me knows this isn't right).

I've got a call booked with a solicitor this week and then plan to have the conversation with DH.

Any tips on navigating the next few months? How to stay strong? Reassurance that im not ruining the kids lives? Things you wish you knew/did etc?

Thank you!

What!! Those don't seem petty at all!! Tell him in no uncertain terms that you have had enough of his Bullshit the relationship is over!

Thank you, you are right. I think I've even started ti believe these are petty from what be says.

His actions themselves may seem small (I don’t think they are but I’m sure you have numerous other tiny examples) but it’s what is means that is big.

He won’t put you above his own ‘needs’. Not even that you’re on an equal with him and his children.

In relation to the kids, something which stuck with me was the phrase ‘function not form’ for a family. If you’re not operating at full capacity and aren’t happy then the family is already not functioning. It doesn’t matter that you’re a ‘traditional’ format family.

They are young, but that also makes them very adaptable and it doesn’t sound like they have a fantastic relationship with him anyway if he’s refuse care duties.

I always assumed a happy marriage was a bit of a unicorn to be chasing but the more I spoke to others the more I realised that whilst everyone has their ups and downs, mostly there was an underlying respect and desire to be with each other.

secretly in unhappy marriages and that it's better than being alone
this is how I am living, and have been for a couple of years. You’re younger than me, don’t waste time with him, get out and enjoy the rest of your life. As a child of divorce myself, your kids are young enough to adapt, and they will be fine.

Thank you, tgus is helpful. I definitely question if the baseline level of respect is there.

He is s selfish person which is fine..some people are...but realistically means he isnt intrested in having the capacity to think of us.

I'm so sorry to hear you're living like this. I hope some level of freedom is possible for you too. No matter your age x

Hello OP. First of all, I am sorry you are going through this. It is not easy and I have to tell you, it will get much, much worse, before it gets better. But, it will get better, I promise.

I do not know, of course, how many people have happy marriages, but I know for sure that many are indeed unhappy. People stay married for different reasons, financial, fear of being shunned, wanting kids to grow up with both parents etc. My father was very abusive towards my mom and a lot of their friends had same dynamics, nobody ever got divorced.

I divorced my ex after being together for 25 years. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I survived war, so there... When I turned fifty I asked myself if I could see me living with this man another 25 years? And there was my answer. Never looked back.

I am not wealthy and I do not have exciting life. I live very simple life with my, now grown kids, two of the three still living with me. I enjoy cooking a tasty meal for us, watching TV while sipping a glass of red wine, cuddling with my dog. The amazing feeling of happiness that I get when driving home after work, the privacy and calm of my bedroom, the silly singing and dancing with my girls, having my life to myself, no matter how hard it gets, its priceless.