How to actually leave a marriage - please can you help me

LiftTheSky · 2025-01-25T14:16:03+00:00

I'm 54 and have been married 25 years and if I live to being 79 I can't face another 25 years. I can't say it's been 25 happy years. He's very stubborn and has moods and my mental health can't accommodate this. I think it would be classed as emotionally abusive but I don't know really... He's fine as long as he is doing what he wants and nobody gets on his nerves or asks 'grown up' things of him. The only way to move on from the stubbornness and moods is for me to fawn and try to make things better. There's no 'making up' we just move on... Other people experience the same behaviour from him, they either give in (which is what I do) or give up and lose contact/interest. We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 5 years with a physical relationship about once every 3 or 4 months. I would like to be a unit of one - just me. I want to look after myself from now on and never be beholden to anyone ever again. But I don't know how to leave. Our house has no mortgage and we have about the same money in the bank as the house is worth. He has just retired (age 62) and the pension is enough to keep one person but not 2 of us if split in half. In my head he would keep all the cash and the pension and I'd keep the house and get a job to pay my way. But that would mean making him leave - and I can't see him doing that. I could rent a house as a temporary arrangement but that seems like a waste of the money available. I also have some livestock which would be tricky to take to a rented property. My other option is a person I know from a mutual hobby would give anything to take me in and would treat me like a princess but I don't really want that. I don't know him other than passing conversation, and he's miles away and my home and friends is here. I don't have family anywhere near me and although friends would give me a roof over my head for a few days I wouldn't impose on them for any period of time. I don't know if I am brave/tough enough to stay in the same house until the details are sorted as I know he would be horrible to me. I have this stupid dream of just running away....and keeping running. I also have a terribly sad wish to get an illness and die as a way out of this. I have felt like this for a very long time. Could you help with some advice and suggestions please.

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 25/01/2025 20:30

Have you spoken to a solicitor? That would be my first step. Try to get copies of all your legal and financial documents ready. Also speak to a divorce financial analyst.

then, maybe think through what your plan will be for where you live during the divorce if he won’t leave the house. If you are afraid of what he will do, perhaps you can rent a small room somewhere, even a flat share as opposed to an entire apartment or flat, if you don’t want to spend too much.

Jas683 · 26/01/2025 22:52

Hi,

I was exactly your age when I did leave, this was 2.5 years ago. I had the same thought process, weighing up the life I had, unhappy, versus what life I might have left.

I was lucky that I had somewhere to go, without complication. I literally loaded my car with work computer and enough clothes to get me through.

My solicitor suggested continuing living in the family home, I knew this was definitely not an option. It was hard enough living there day to day without the mention of divorce.

I visualised living on my own for years prior to leaving. Yearning the thought of living without constant tension, mood swings, unkind words, put downs.

I guess you need to decide what you want for you and work from there. If you are going to leave, plan carefully, there needs to be no rash decisions,

dotdotdotdash · 26/01/2025 23:00

Please bide your time, take note of all the account details and key documents. Arrange to see a solicitor. They will recommend you stay in the family home. Accept it might take a while and there will be difficulties but you’ll get through it. Negotiation starts at 50/50. Let your friends and family know what’s going on so you have support. Then tell him and file the paperwork.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/01/2025 23:05

I'd get a job as a first step, then you will know what income you will have and what you can afford in terms of rent if you need it etc.

TheM55 · 26/01/2025 23:29

Agree with bide your time, although unpleasant, there is no emergency here.
Get your finances in complete order as if you were leaving, and then seek legal advice quietly. It sounds like you cannot just up and leave because you have no regular income and have livestock you care for. It is hard, but you probably first need to pass the livestock on to someone else if you dream of escaping. There are loads on here that will say that you are entitled to half the house and so on, but there is a world of difference between "saying" and "reality". And really? If there are no children involved, you can't suddenly throw someone out of their own house that they part own. If it is equal (house price vs savings) then you might be able to take the cash and sign the house to him, but again, you need legal advice. It is quite a difficult road, but I'd take it if I had enough, your treatment will not get better and you are still relatively young. I'd do it now before you get trapped for ever with someone you no longer want to be with.

Original poster

LiftTheSky · 27/01/2025 23:30

Jas683 · 26/01/2025 22:52

Hi,

I was exactly your age when I did leave, this was 2.5 years ago. I had the same thought process, weighing up the life I had, unhappy, versus what life I might have left.

I was lucky that I had somewhere to go, without complication. I literally loaded my car with work computer and enough clothes to get me through.

My solicitor suggested continuing living in the family home, I knew this was definitely not an option. It was hard enough living there day to day without the mention of divorce.

I visualised living on my own for years prior to leaving. Yearning the thought of living without constant tension, mood swings, unkind words, put downs.

I guess you need to decide what you want for you and work from there. If you are going to leave, plan carefully, there needs to be no rash decisions,

Well done you and thanks for the encouragement and advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

LiftTheSky · 27/01/2025 23:35

TheM55 · 26/01/2025 23:29

Agree with bide your time, although unpleasant, there is no emergency here.
Get your finances in complete order as if you were leaving, and then seek legal advice quietly. It sounds like you cannot just up and leave because you have no regular income and have livestock you care for. It is hard, but you probably first need to pass the livestock on to someone else if you dream of escaping. There are loads on here that will say that you are entitled to half the house and so on, but there is a world of difference between "saying" and "reality". And really? If there are no children involved, you can't suddenly throw someone out of their own house that they part own. If it is equal (house price vs savings) then you might be able to take the cash and sign the house to him, but again, you need legal advice. It is quite a difficult road, but I'd take it if I had enough, your treatment will not get better and you are still relatively young. I'd do it now before you get trapped for ever with someone you no longer want to be with.

Thanks for the honest and sometimes slightly hard truths. Every day isn't horrible, I'd have walked years ago if it was, it's just one thing after another until I have run out of desire to keep trying to make it better. I agree I have to do it now to have a future life ahead. No rush, just quetiy get on with it.

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username299 · 28/01/2025 00:47

I would start by getting therapy as it will help you process what's going on and build your self esteem. You can find a therapist at BACP.

I would see a family law solicitor and get advice on your financial situation in the event of divorce.

Wikivorce and the CABx website have lots of useful information to help you prepare.

I wouldn't let him know you are thinking of leaving. If the abuse ramps up when he finds out, I would find somewhere to stay temporarily and contact a domestic abuse organisation regarding the animals.

mumgodloveher · 28/01/2025 07:11

@LiftTheSky the only additional advice I would give is that, just before you tell him it's over, ensure half the savings are moved into your name solely, if they are currently shared. Otherwise he can take and hide those assets (sounds hard to get away with but my ex did it successfully, it's not that difficult). Don't ever underestimate what a spurned soon-to-be ex-husband will do.

livelovelough24 · 28/01/2025 22:27

Reading your post sounded like I was reading my own few years ago. I also left after 25 years of marriage, and in fact I just made a comment in another thread that I too asked myself if I could live with this man another 25 years, which was my tipping point.

I agree that you should start therapy if this is available. My therapist was so helpful in making me understand my situation, she was the first to point out that what I was experiencing was abuse, emotional, mental and financial and that is why I was so unhappy. Also, she suggested that my ex could be a narcissist, while I am by nature very altruistic, and so this was another reason why I suffered living with him. I would contact lawyer as well as financial advisor, again if this is available to you. What you are going through is extremely emotional and that sometimes makes things look and feel so much worse, but doing something concrete, logical and practical will give you a sense of security. I also started doing yoga and meditation during this period, also, praying as well, although I am not religious. I did everything I thought may help me get through it.

I have been separated for over four years and divorced for over two. I live quiet and simple life, have no interest in dating, spend as much time as I can with my kids, my friends and my sister. I have been through a lot in my life and have hard time feeling happiness, but I am most definitely content and I have never, not once, regretted my decision to leave. Good luck OP. See you on the other side. 🥰

Pieandchips999 · 28/01/2025 22:36

I'd get a job, squirrel some savings away for a small move, get legal advice and go. My Dad died last year and it was the first time we could all breath in the family because he was so horrible to leave with. Even when he stopped being physically abusive he controlled the whole house. My Mum finally has a life and might have ten or 15 years of her life left and the whole thing was just so totally pointless.

Original poster

LiftTheSky · 29/01/2025 11:02

mumgodloveher · 28/01/2025 07:11

@LiftTheSky the only additional advice I would give is that, just before you tell him it's over, ensure half the savings are moved into your name solely, if they are currently shared. Otherwise he can take and hide those assets (sounds hard to get away with but my ex did it successfully, it's not that difficult). Don't ever underestimate what a spurned soon-to-be ex-husband will do.

Thanks. I'll get that sorted now.

OP posts:

Original poster

LiftTheSky · 29/01/2025 11:04

Pieandchips999 · 28/01/2025 22:36

I'd get a job, squirrel some savings away for a small move, get legal advice and go. My Dad died last year and it was the first time we could all breath in the family because he was so horrible to leave with. Even when he stopped being physically abusive he controlled the whole house. My Mum finally has a life and might have ten or 15 years of her life left and the whole thing was just so totally pointless.

I'm happy to hear you are all enjoying a fresh start without your father and wish your mum many years of her own happiness.

OP posts:

Original poster

LiftTheSky · 29/01/2025 11:10

livelovelough24 · 28/01/2025 22:27

Reading your post sounded like I was reading my own few years ago. I also left after 25 years of marriage, and in fact I just made a comment in another thread that I too asked myself if I could live with this man another 25 years, which was my tipping point.

I agree that you should start therapy if this is available. My therapist was so helpful in making me understand my situation, she was the first to point out that what I was experiencing was abuse, emotional, mental and financial and that is why I was so unhappy. Also, she suggested that my ex could be a narcissist, while I am by nature very altruistic, and so this was another reason why I suffered living with him. I would contact lawyer as well as financial advisor, again if this is available to you. What you are going through is extremely emotional and that sometimes makes things look and feel so much worse, but doing something concrete, logical and practical will give you a sense of security. I also started doing yoga and meditation during this period, also, praying as well, although I am not religious. I did everything I thought may help me get through it.

I have been separated for over four years and divorced for over two. I live quiet and simple life, have no interest in dating, spend as much time as I can with my kids, my friends and my sister. I have been through a lot in my life and have hard time feeling happiness, but I am most definitely content and I have never, not once, regretted my decision to leave. Good luck OP. See you on the other side. 🥰

That' so encouraging. Thank you. I am glad you have found the inner peace I seek. It assures me it's possible. I tried the Buddhist tradition for a while but I found the gentle words in their prayers too painful to hear so I stopped. Maybe that also tells me something about my situation
Thanks again for getting in touch. Enjoy the next 25 years of being yourself x

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