Which ducks should I get in a row?

[herethereandeverywhatnow]

I know it's something everyone says on MN, but I need to know which ducks I should get in a row before leaving emotionally abusive relationship (12.5 years together, 2 children, not married). I know I need to go, have been mentally building up to it for 18 months but things have been escalating and I need to put my big girl pants on and find the courage to really go. But I want to know - what are the best things I can be doing before I actually go?

I plan to leave the joint home (he owns 75% of it, me 25%) with both children (both under 10) and rent in the local area. I'm going to leave when he's at work or away for work as it's not something I could actually discuss with him (despite how miserable we both are I think he will be blindsided). I have been quietly saving as much money as I can for the last 2 years so that will help fund the rental (which will be ££ in our area) until I've got some equity released from the house, no idea how long that will take. I'm also very lucky that I own my own property with a small mortgage (rented out, but in a different part of the country so moving there isn't an option) which I am considering selling to fund the move, so have been doing lots of thinking about that too. But what else should I be doing? I haven't made the leap yet to speak to Refuge or WA but know I need to for some support, otherwise I seem to spend any free time (ie when I'm working from home) looking for rental properties and trying to figure out if I will ever be able to buy a flat around here. Would it be mad to be buying dry goods/homeware stuff that I might need paid for via the joint account, or just wait and see what I need once I'm out? Anything else practical I can do in the very limited time I have at home when he's not here?

Documents! Secure birth certificates/passports/bank statements etc. Leave them elsewhere if possible.

Good luck. You're very brave.

Thank you so much - I don't feel brave though... I had a place lined up to move to straight after a horrendous Christmas (that was almost too good to be true) and I lost my nerve... am trying to make this into a positive by seeing it as a chance to get more organised, so really keen to hear anybody's experience as to what would have made the move/departure easier if they'd have thought of it.

I was in a similar position in October last year (although my kids are 16/18 only DD16 came with me)…I actually left and moved into an Airbnb for two months with no plans beyond that. It meant I could just leave with our clothes basically as everything was provided and all my bills were included. I got the keys on a Tuesday and we moved on the Friday while he was at work. I left a letter.

I did secure a rental within the first month and we moved in on 23rd December but I had it for three week before that due to the overlap with the Airbnb. That was a godsend as I had to furnish it from scratch and get all the homeware.

We only had a joint account but I applied for a 0% on purchases credit card and I used that to pay for things. I’d got some money saved too but also used interest free credit from Ikea and things like Klarna.

Do you have a sense of how he's going to react?

You might want to talk to a lawyer, or at least Citizen's Advice about any legal issues that might arise. You'll need to sort out custody and financial arrangements for your children.

You need to establish his salary to apply for CMS. Copies of pay slip, bank account possible. ( he'll try & cheat)
Yes theres all sorts of stuff you should buy & stock, from washing powder, deodorant, shampoo, to kids clothes (next size up) etc
Theres a thread about it, i'll look & see if I can find it. If not I expect someone will pop it on soon

Get copies of all legal paperwork such as mortgage, and the paperwork regarding your 75/25 split.

Can't remember what it's called but put a marker on the house with land registry so he can't sell it without you knowing.

If you have any joint savings then move half out. Get your name off any joint accounts so you are not liable for any debt.

Once left inform the school. Who normally does pickups?

Would it be mad to be buying dry goods/homeware stuff that I might need paid for via the joint account,
No. Either save extra money and buy once you are out or buy from charity shops afterwards. Many sell good quality furniture and/or white goods whose electrics have been tested. Bedding and kitchen stuff can be bought cheaply at B&M, The Range, Home Bargains etc. It's nicer to have things that don't have memories of him anyway.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

Here it is

Peking ones

Sorry - I know it's not funny.
You've got some good responses here

Wow I loved that thread @Mix56 - got super invested and have read almost the whole story (whilst hiding from
DP so need to finish it today!). Wasn't sure why it was going to help at first but then I got to that section and was brilliant so thank you!

@AwaitingFreedom thank you - no joint savings (all mine, woohoo!!). The problem is that as I do all of the admin all accounts for everything are in my name - all insurance, utilities etc. I guess legally I'm liable for everything even if I leave the house... I feel like he wouldn't screw me on this but who honestly knows, so wondering if it's possible to change any/all of these. The car insurance I can't for now as the cost was much higher if in his name so that wouldn't go unnoticed, but maybe some other things I can change.
Credit cards (used minimally and paid off each month) are also in my name though so need to clear those from our modest joint account.
@Mix56 problem with proof of his income (which is 6 figures) is really hard as everything is electronic and password protected now, not sure how to get around this missed my chance when helping him organise his tax return last week though I roughly know his main salary (he has two...).
Have just done a school uniform order and adding extra dishwasher tablets/laundry stuff etc to the online shop - but all is calm at home since yesterday afternoon so as always am doubting myself. I'm sure it will blow up again today though as this is the pattern... it's no wonder I'm so exhausted.

@Oodiks this is almost my biggest worry... he is super volatile and I really don't know how he's going to react. This is why I need to call relate or women's aid I think for specific advice around leaving etc - but honestly the way I imagine it going is so bad that it's almost enough to put me off doing it. Definitely needs to be that we go while he's now here but even then the idea is pretty terrifying 🥲

will he want 50:50 with the children ?

There is no great advantage in trying to get into his bank account or to get copies of his statements. If he doesn’t give you free access then you are intruding into private information. No relationship allows you to do that lawfully and therefore you are limited in using the information in any meaningful way.

As you are not married the separation is relatively straightforward. The only joint assets or liabilities are ones you actively established. Which seems to be the house. There is no need to negotiate on entitlement, it defaults to 50:50 unless you legally established a different split.

Once you leave you can make a CMS claim. They will ask him for his income details to establish what you are entitled to. CMS calculations default to an income based calculation. This can be varied if he has a lot of capital wealth, not property or business based. If his income is very high then you need court ordered child support. But you won’t be able to use unlawfully obtained documents to establish that.

The utilities you can change to his name on the day you leave but make sure you take photos of the meter readings and ask for a final bill.

You can put the house contents insurance into his name or transfer it to your new place. Same with tv licence, Netflix etc.

Keep the house building insurance in joint names as it might be a mortgage requirement. Some have it written into their small print.

When you have left tell him you want the house sold. He can buy you out of your share or it can go on open market. If he refuses tell him you can get a judge who will force the sale and if he refuses to sign then a judge can sign on his behalf. Knowing that information might make him behave , but it will cost time and money if he refuses.

Who owns the car? By law it is the person who can prove they paid for it whether by bank account, credit card, loan or finance. Registered keeper and/or owner means nothing.

Definitely get advice from Women's Aid on how to safely leave. If you don't have time or privacy for a call then they do have an email option. Good luck