Divorce?

[anon2576]

Hi internet
I feel trapped in my marriage. I have to ask him if I can go out with my sisters or going to my mums. Most of the time I end up staying home.
Due to being in an Asian family divorce is still much of a taboo subject, I also have 2 little girls which apparently makes it harder. so family keep telling me to stay for them. We have constant ups and downs which have been going on for a few years now.
What do I do?

Not up to your family. It’s up to you. What do you want?

I do just want to move past this but I keep thinking of the impact this would have on my daughters.

They will be much better off with a happy mother and time away from this controlling man than they would be if you stayed with him.

What sort of life do you want for your daughters? Do you want them to be controlled too?

Yes this is true. Thank you

Children are like sponges. They see everything and their home environment is a massive influence on their formation.

Feeling trapped in your marriage is an awful way to live. You do realise that marriage is a choice, right? You can choose to stay or go, but ultimately know that this is YOUR choice. Your life. You are a grown adult with full autonomy over your choices.

What do you want for your daughters? Do you want them to see that a mother/wife role means you get treated like a second-class citizen / domestic servant by the man they marry? That you have no choice other than to be unhappy and trapped into a life you don't want?

Think about it.

I chose to end my marriage and raise my daughters away from the influence of a total misogynist who made my life a misery. Yes, it was hard, and goodness knows I stayed way too long when I knew, deep down, that I was on to a hiding to nothing. I've never regretted it for a moment.

Never mind the expectations and cultural "norms" of your background. You're in the UK and it's 2025. Let them see that you are a strong woman who's not prepared to put up with that kind of shit any longer.

Decide on your boundaries. Make them rock solid. Raise your daughters to be warrior women, and show them how to stand up to the patriarchy.

Also - sorry you're going through this. It's horrible.

Thank you for such a lovely response. It has made me teary. I have always been afraid of making big decisions but this really is breaking me down inside. I put a smile on my face and carry on but it's not great for my well being at all.

OP would your DH agree to a temporary separation and move out for a while?

I don't think he would. He wouldn't have anywhere to go.

OP when you say ‘I have to ask him if I can go out with my sisters or going to my mums’ can I ask what would happen if you went without asking him/ if he did not give permission? I’m trying to understand your situation more
clearly

Because of your situation I think you need to reach out to outside organisations/charities to get the help and advice you need.

Having to ask for his permission to go out with your sisters or mum is not acceptable in this day and age.

Something like Womens Aid may be able to advise you. I believe there may be other organisations that especially help and understand women in your situation who don’t have family that believe in divorce or separation.

He would constantly bring it up afterwards and say things in front of the girls. It makes it really difficult because I don't like getting upset in front of them.

If you feel safe to do so, tell him you are leaving him. Can you find somewhere to live, can you apply for UC if you are not working. Can your sisters help you find support/ advice to leave with your children. Contact womens aid.
I know many divorced Asians it's ok.
Good luck

This is so wrong. You don't want your kids normalising women having to ask for permission or being punished by men when they don't ask.
Having to ask his permission to go out isnt ok and neither is this behaviour. He's at best a controlling bully. Are there other things that need to be done his way or he punishes you with his behaviour? You may find more and more things come to light that you'd glossed over and accepted. It was like that when I finally realised XH was abusive. There were a lot of
ways I'd changed to avoid the way he'd behave if I did them. It took me a long time to see the extent of things. I'm not saying this controlling behaviour isn't enough to leave, it absolutely is, just that you may find you realise over time more and more things you've changed to stop him behaving in a way that makes you regret your actions.

Is the device your posting on password protected so he can't get into it? It might seem over the top right now, but you need to make sure he can't find out anything you dont want him to know. I'm sorry your family aren't supportive. Womens aide might be a good place to start reaching out for support. You could also look at something like entitledto to see what UC you could potentially get if you seperated.

I am working part time and own the property we live in. My sisters have also been advising me to stay for the sake of the children and mention things like he does let you go out sometimes. I can't talk to many about this.

It is password protected but he knows my password and I have seen him go through my phone before.

Going through your phone and dictating to you when you are "allowed" to go out, where, and with whom, is now recognised as criminal controlling behaviour. It is against the law and recognised as domestic abuse.

You need to be careful when dealing with a controlling man. They can ramp up their behaviour if they feel they are losing control.

Are you scared of him?

Do please speak to Women's Aid for advice, and if you have any concerns at all about how he will react, you would be wise to speak to your local police too. They will have a specialist department you can talk to.

Because there is abuse involved, (and I know it's hard for you to face up to the reality of how bad this is, but it's important), you will be able to get him out and get a Non Molestation Order preventing him coming into your home.

Be careful about sharing too much with your sisters. If they are not supporting you whole-heartedly, then they might become part of the problem if you decide to divorce.

I'm not scared of him. He is good with the girls and I know they'll be upset without him. He was away for 3 weeks before and my eldest 6 years old didn't cope well at all

So long as you (and the children) are safe. That's good.

Please speak to Womens Aid for support. See if you can do the Freedom Programme. Contact your local family hub/ children's centre and they can help with this. Take care OP. You deserve so much more than this abusive relationship.

Thank you for your kind words. I carry on as normal but this doesn't feel right anymore and I am worried about taking the first step.

OP He is not 'good with the girls' if he is abusing their mother, this is not in their interest. Likewise if you go out without permission you say he would 'bring it up in front of the girls' - how is this being a good parent to them to display abuse and upset their mother in their presence?
Please follow up on the many suggestions of getting help given to you on this thread, if for no other reason than for the sake of your girls.

It's not constant but when it is it really effects my well being.