I’ve set a date for the discussion (HELP)

[Bones2017]

So I’ve set a date for the conversation. It will have to be before my week of annual leave because honestly, I cannot predict his reaction. I’m dealing with a man who unfortunately I believe is narcissistic and I’m at the bottom of his pile. His neglect of me in every way used to hurt me. However since I read a book last June (dr Ramani - should I stay or should I go) I also now no longer care and have gone through a period of really stressful decision making processes. He works from home and is a very high earner. I’m an nhs nurse on 36k a year. All hills come out of my bank and he transfers me his wages because of a previous gambling issue. He’s at the pub now most nights. Then he will go on his computer all night and sleeps in the spare bed. He then sleeps all day and gets up between 2-3pm just before my girls get home. The girls are 15 and 11 (very mature youngest) and I’ve no doubt they are aware of the disconnect with me and their dad. I believe he could afford this house on his own but I don’t want him to be the primary care giver for the girls. They would need to be with me for parental stability. How can I reassure myself that this would happen? I don’t think he will agree to move out willingly. Any advice would be appreciated.

First of all get copies of all financial statements, mortgage, house valuations, bank accounts, savings, investments and pensions. Also make a one off consultation with a solicitor to find out your rights.

Then decide whether you can afford to buy him out, he buys you out, or it goes on open market. Look on rightmove for location/prices to see what you can afford.

The children are old enough to decide who they will live with. You can tell them they will live with you, and make the plans but ultimately they could choose him, especially if he has no rules.

Your first discussion should be brief imo, tell him you are unhappy and that you think it's time to split, give a rough outline of your plans to see if they might align with his, but also say you will chat again in a couple of days to hear his thoughts once he's had time to process it all. Then in two days just say "any questions?". Keep it factual.

Good luck.

The time is getting closer now and I’m less and less nervous about it. I just seem to have come to this resolution that this is the right thing to do. I recently had a health scare and had to go for a special scan and he’s never even asked me how it went - this I think was the final straw for me albeit a small issue in comparison to some of the treatment I’ve put up with. Then on Friday, I had to drive home from work to take my daughter to school because he refused to take her. This was all because I challenged him about what time he’d come in from the pub the night before. My poor daughter rang me worried about how she was going to get to school because he’d gone off in a tantrum. He’s only making this easier to do for me now to be honest - emotionally I mean. I know hard times are coming. But, I’m reaching for the light now

I don’t even know if anyone is reading my thread but it’s good to write this down and get it out.
I had a mini breakdown on Monday. I was sent home from work in a right state because of all that’s going on. Spoke to my dad who always grounds me. And he said that I had to tell DH what was in my head. So I came home (he was back in bed) and I sat next to him and told him that I was contemplating ending the marriage. He was quite calm which surprised me. He said he wanted to fix it but since Monday has shown no change in his actions. He still stays up all night and then sleeps all day. We’ve had 2 brief conversations since and I don’t think he’s truly grasped yet that I mean it. He talking of keeping the house and kids (??!!). I’ve suggested it might be better selling and both getting new places. But he ‘doesn’t want to lose the house’. Maybe I just need to give him time to think on that because I’ve told him I want primary responsibility for the children.
I’m On the edge here of making it out. And I want to navigate this very carefully. I cannot leave my kids with him. He’s good at the fun stuff (when he’s in the mood) but has never participated in any of the day to day parenting or anything. Wow I’m so confused. Constant headaches and fatigue. Bleugh

I dont think that constantly talking and discussing and disecting your marriage with him will actually solve anything. File for divorce and push forwards.

If you think he's going to be completely disruptive and unco-operative in the divorce process then consider self representing and going straight to court for a court hearing - the judge will be fair, your ex won't.

Your girls will decide where they live, not you.

Do you have a plan going fowards regarding division of the assets? Where will you live after the divorce.

Finally, i've been trying to look at this from your husbands point of view and what would i do if I were him. - I would string out the divorce as long as I possibly could because the closer the kids are to adulthood, the more likely the division of assets will be closer to 50/50. I also wouldn't leave the family home unless a judge told me too.

So have a think about the above.

What would you like to happen and have you made him any offers so far?