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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Can he just take child back immediately after I leave?

15 replies

Freedomfighter87 · 19/01/2025 19:08

Looking for some advice ahead of talking to a lawyer tomorrow. I'm preparing to leave a horrific emotionally abusing relationship where I am verbally attacked from morning to night. Husband doesn't work, but I do from home so there is no respite. I have recorded many of these on my watch without him knowing. We have a primary school age child who I do everything for. He doesn't get up until after she has gone to school, spends all day smoking weed and drinking larger in our shed or out with friends, occasionally sees her for 10 mins in the evening but spends the rest of the evening in the shed. I feed, wash, clothe, do school runs, do days out and even our recent holidays solo. I do all child related appointments on my own.

I have spoken to women's aid and police, as we are joint mortgage holders and he hasn't physically attacked me he cannot be removed from the property. He has already accused me of trying to brainwash and alienate our child and I am scared when I take her with me he will just take her back, either from school or the child minder, and I wouldn't be able to get her back. I don't think is fit to look after her and that he would only do this to punish me. She had told me when I'm out (on a work trip or to walk the dog) on occasion he has told her mummy loves the dog more than her, and says things like 'when you go out I'm going to throw your toys away'.

Longer term I will obviously be going for main carer etc but it's the immediate aftermath after leaving I'm concerned about. Has anyone gone through something similar and have any advice or questions I should be asking during my legal call tomorrow?

OP posts:
littleluncheon · 19/01/2025 19:10

You would need a court order to prevent him picking her up from school or childcare. As it stands he will have equal parental rights.

devastatedagain · 19/01/2025 19:17

Change school and childminder when you leave.

Freedomfighter87 · 19/01/2025 19:19

devastatedagain · 19/01/2025 19:17

Change school and childminder when you leave.

I looked into this but I don't think I can change school without his agreement as he has parental responsibility

OP posts:
Cerialkiller · 19/01/2025 19:25

If he is constantly drinking and high, is he capable or safe parenting her?

I would trigger a court order asap to get childcare sorted. Insist on a hair strand test. Tell the court that he will drink and take drugs around her.

Is DD old enough for her opinion to be listened to in court? Is she 10/11?

My main concern would be him trying to claim he is main parent as he's a sahd in order to get maintenance and e.g. a council house.

Half of me wonders if he has enough motivation to pick up DD from school as it would interrupt his drug taking. Hard to imagine he could be that organised?

What happens once you leave? Assume he can't keep the house/rental on his own. Would have to get a job (and therefore become a better co-parent) or... what? Would he even be able to get suitable accomodation to keep DD overnight?

Cerialkiller · 19/01/2025 19:27

Is school walkable? Would he drive while high/drunk? If he does, report. Very handy to have that on his record for a future court case, especially if he planned to drive with DD in the car.

BlackStrayCat · 19/01/2025 19:30

This is domestic violence. You have to keep going to the police. He should be arrested. Its disgustng and terrifying. Log everything.

Your DD will be nterviewed. Embrace this.

Ask lawyer if you should report to SS. If not, why not? (not all lawyers are good, or correct)
Go in strong; parental alienanation, emotional abuse, addicton, control.
FACTS not emotion. (If you can)

I would tell school. asap.
💐

Freedomfighter87 · 19/01/2025 19:37

BlackStrayCat · 19/01/2025 19:30

This is domestic violence. You have to keep going to the police. He should be arrested. Its disgustng and terrifying. Log everything.

Your DD will be nterviewed. Embrace this.

Ask lawyer if you should report to SS. If not, why not? (not all lawyers are good, or correct)
Go in strong; parental alienanation, emotional abuse, addicton, control.
FACTS not emotion. (If you can)

I would tell school. asap.
💐

I'm speaking to SS tomorrow as it was triggered by my police report. I'm hoping they can also provide some assurance that if he does snatch her I will have support in taking her back. He can hold it together long enough if he wants to and is good at putting on an act, I'm just worried he will play the victim and tell people that I'm overreacting. That as I work and he doesn't he is the main caregiver and could get residency. I've been googling and reading horror stories which isn't helpful.

OP posts:
Freedomfighter87 · 19/01/2025 19:38

Cerialkiller · 19/01/2025 19:25

If he is constantly drinking and high, is he capable or safe parenting her?

I would trigger a court order asap to get childcare sorted. Insist on a hair strand test. Tell the court that he will drink and take drugs around her.

Is DD old enough for her opinion to be listened to in court? Is she 10/11?

My main concern would be him trying to claim he is main parent as he's a sahd in order to get maintenance and e.g. a council house.

Half of me wonders if he has enough motivation to pick up DD from school as it would interrupt his drug taking. Hard to imagine he could be that organised?

What happens once you leave? Assume he can't keep the house/rental on his own. Would have to get a job (and therefore become a better co-parent) or... what? Would he even be able to get suitable accomodation to keep DD overnight?

This is what I'm worried about, claiming he looks after her. He can hold it together enough if he wants to.

OP posts:
Ughn0tryte · 19/01/2025 19:45

There was a UK women's march in London this weekend. I think they were campaigning to keep children safe from men like your husband instead of handing them over when separated.

Freedomfighter87 · 19/01/2025 19:52

Ughn0tryte · 19/01/2025 19:45

There was a UK women's march in London this weekend. I think they were campaigning to keep children safe from men like your husband instead of handing them over when separated.

I have been so naive to the lack of support. The Police basically said they can't get involved until it gets physical. And if I take my 4 year old they cannot stop him taking him back. Wtf am I meant to do, I'm literally trapped!

OP posts:
BlackStrayCat · 19/01/2025 19:52

He will certainly not get sole custody. For a start, he cannot spport your daughter.

Men like this play on this insecurity.

BlackStrayCat · 19/01/2025 19:53

Freedomfighter87 · 19/01/2025 19:52

I have been so naive to the lack of support. The Police basically said they can't get involved until it gets physical. And if I take my 4 year old they cannot stop him taking him back. Wtf am I meant to do, I'm literally trapped!

Keep logging it.

BlackStrayCat · 19/01/2025 19:54

Can you take photos of drug paraphanalia?

Freedomfighter87 · 19/01/2025 20:03

BlackStrayCat · 19/01/2025 19:54

Can you take photos of drug paraphanalia?

I have done but the police didn't seem that interested when I told them about the drinking and smoking. I'm hoping courts will be.

OP posts:
Genevie82 · 19/01/2025 20:04

OP, firstly tell all this to social services and they will undertake a C&F assessment around your child’s welfare. The whole situation with her father will be under scrutiny whilst this is being done and will protect her . At the same time you must make an urgent application to court for a child arrangements order - live with and a prohibited steps order which will prevent him removing her from school or your care. citing Domestic abuse and risk to her welfare around drug use etc. I am assuming you are leaving to live somewhere else with her ? It is likely the family court will recommend that she only sees him in a contact centre whilst a welfare report is being completed.

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