My daughter struggling to come to terms with separation

[NeverTooManyPets]

Advice please! I (F40) separated from my husband (M43) 8 months ago. We work hard to keep things reasonably amicable and especially in front of our 2 daughters, aged 8 and 11. Our daughters live with me in the family home, and he comes to the house to see them regularly either with or without me there. For example if I’m away for work he will stay over with them for a couple of days, or he may come for dinner with all of us, we go to school plays etc together and share taking them to sports clubs etc about 50:50. Our daughters see him nearly as much as before the separation and we’ve worked hard to make sure that they feel they can see each other when they would like.

Our daughters understandably have struggled to adjust, however in general have been managing well. Until now - our younger daughter cries every bedtime and says that life isn’t good any more, she feels sad all the time and she just wants life to be like it was and it was all wonderful before. (An interesting view given that whilst things are amicable now they weren’t when we were living together, and he had become very short tempered with the children which has now improved). I find it hard to know what to say to her when she asks why Daddy can’t come live with us again (I got very ill due to living with his depression/short temper/miserable-ness but don’t feel that’s something a child would understand)

Any advice on what to say to her or how to support her through this would be very welcome.

Do you think the arrangement for him to be coming over and spending time with you all almost as a family is blurring the lines and making it confusing?
I did this with my ExH for a few weeks after we separated and it just made it incredibly difficult for everyone.

I think kids take a while to adjust, it’s taken my youngest about 18months.
They just need to know you both love them, it’s not in anyway their fault the relationship ended, and you can be good co-parents to support them.

I would be worried if she’s still crying etc every night, do you think she needs to see a therapist?

I agree that having him come round to the former marital home could be confusing and it’s inevitable that the girls may think that you and him should live together as a family.

My kids were a similar age when I split from their dad and their lives didn’t change too much (they stayed at the same school and house) I think that we all started dealing the the split once ex moved out and had a place to take the kids to every weekend contact day.

By doing all these things together and him coming over is prolonging their confusion. It’s like you’re separated but not really

why are they not staying with him in his own place?

you need to stop the pretence of being together when you’re not

Thanks for your perspectives - I thought it would be easier on the girls if we did things together but we can stop doing that if it’s not helping. Unfortunately he isn’t staying somewhere he can take the girls so to see them he needs to come here - and on top of that I can’t actually do my job without him having them before and after school at least a couple of days a week. My parents do the other days but find it too much to do every day. We live very rural so there are no childcare options at all except family.

So what’s the plan re the fmh and his living?

he needs somewhere suitable to live with them.

you’re separated- it sounds like you need to actually start doing so and coming up with a plan. Is the house going to be sold? Will you buy him out? Perhaps you need to move somewhere less rural? What about secondary school?

@millymollymoomoo I will be staying here as my parents are in the same village and as I mentioned they support with childcare. And to be honest this is hard enough without moving away from my support network! No home to sell -I rent and pay it all myself.
He is supposed to be looking for somewhere of his own. I will see if I can encourage him to look more actively as it would be best for our daughters but rent is high and at the moment he’s not got the motivation to work so much. One of our daughters is at secondary school - she gets the bus so that’s no problem.

He really should put some effort into working and finding his own place. That will start to help your daughters understand this is it, and get used to the separation. To them it’s confusing.

hopefully you can persuade him fir that reason.

its great that you can do things together but at the moment I expect they can’t understand why he can’t still live there and you all be a ‘family’. Him getting his own home and the children going there will start to help them see that you’re not getting back together

OP it sounds like you're all doing a great job to keep things stable and amicable for the girls. You haven't mentioned your older DD, is she coping ok?
I wouldn't be rushing to change their routine and don't think it's the approach you're taking that's upsetting DD8- if she's been ok up till now that just shows you've successfully cushioned the blow imo. It will take time to deal with the reality and it might be she keeps forgetting because she still sees him a lot, but I wouldn't expect that forcing more disruption would help her settle more?
I'd say give it time, get your reasons for splitting straight and don't deviate or change their routine just yet. It seems like a good thing to me that she's had a delayed reaction- let her take her time over it and it may all be less of a response than if she was toing and froing to his place.

I'm not sure you're doing anything wrong or that the problem is the living arrangements. I just think it's normal that your children will be sad in these circumstances. It is (usually) sad for children when their parents split up even if it's the right decision and it's handled well. You're doing all the right things but she's still allowed to find it hard and sad, because it is. You just need to keep reiterating that mummy and daddy don't love each other any more, and reassuring her she's loved by both of you. She'll get there she's just processing and grieving.