United parenting

[LoisLanyard]

My very nearly exH and I agreed early on in the divorce proceedings that we would be united in terms of parenting and how we talk about the divorce to the teenage kids. However it seems that we have very different ideas about what this means. He thinks it means telling the kids the “truth” (his version) and I think it means telling the kids the same story about the divorce where no blame is placed on the other parent. His “truth” includes telling the kids that I was the one wanting the divorce and that he was very upset by it, and that me and my whole family are odd so he should have realised earlier that a marriage would never have worked. It may seem a little thing but it’s part of his drip by drip approach to manipulation. Ironically my exH did several awful things that led to me asking for a divorce but those things don’t seem to be part of his “truth” (and I wouldnt want him to tell the kids these things as they would be quite confusing and devastating) He is emotionally abusive which makes it all the harder in this united parenting but I want my kids to not feel caught in the middle, or in any way responsible for the divorce, or that one parent is “bad”. Has anyone done any courses on how to coparent through and after divorce, or have any articles with clear points about what united parenting is? Basically something that I can show him or do with him to help us both understand what is a good approach and what is a bad approach?

Tbh I dont think it matters what you show him re articles etc he’s going to do what he wants.

all you can keep saying is, how does this benefit the kids to hear this? And that you’ll also tell them your truth which you don’t want to do

to your kids just tell them that you’re both upset and people react differently and that there’s always two sides to the story. Teens can understand that

Agree with the above. If he’s not willing to take a united and neutral position on explaining the divorce then the best thing you can do is refrain from any “tit for tat” and just say that relationship breakups are hard for everyone, that you’re both upset and angry, and that it takes time for both people in a relationship to work through being upset and angry; and their dad is choosing this way but shouldn’t be involving them in it. Rather than getting involved yourself, empower them to know it’s okay to tell their dad they don’t want to hear him saying things about you. You can tell them that it’s up to them what they believe, but that in any breakup there’s usually fault on both sides and that nobody divorces on a whim: you both tried really hard to work at things and couldn’t any longer.

As they’re teens, they’re likely not long off from discovering for themselves (if they’ve not seen it with friends already) that breakups are hard and that even somebody who you loved and thought was the best thing since sliced bread is capable of construing the breakup as not their fault and themselves as the wronged party even when that isn’t completely true. They aren’t going to labour through life under the impression that everything he’s said about you and the breakup is true.

Thank you both. What you say is totally correct, and that is very good advice. Thank you!

You have my sympathies, it sounds as though we are in a similar place. I hold on
to the thought that the DC will figure it out for themselves soon enough. I just focus on being neutral. On a few occasions when there were obviously wrong ‘facts’ (mainly about money) that kept being repeated, I sat the kids down and gave them an overview. I explained they didn’t need to counter what their Dad was saying, but just gave them the facts. On emotional things (whose fault things are…) I steer clear.

Thanks @FallenFigs that is sensible advice. It’s exhausting isn’t it? I find it frustrating that to everyone around him he is saying how neutral he is, how is supporting the kids and me(!!) to navigate the break up etc - like he is some kind of divorce guru when in reality he is being a total arse. But, I know things will get better and I can weather this storm…