ExH weird name and children

[ThinkingThroughOptions]

Had first child before being married. They took my maiden name with me until I got married and foolishly took his name, which then meant we both went by his name.

The only problem is, it's a really weird name. DC are teased mercilessly at school over the name and now we are divorced I am desperate to return to my maiden name again. It was bad enough have a terrible name when married, but even worse when there's no marriage to offset the awfulness of it!

I have one DC who wants to change the name to my maiden name, and one who wants to stay the same because, even though they started off life with my main den name, they only ever remember having the married name.

I don't want to keep this name any longer. He was an abusive man who did a lot of damage. Also, like I said, it's a ridiculous name and I am thinking of the children’s future (and their children).

But we have a CAO, and although the DC live with me, I would have to go to court to change the name as ex will never agree. It makes it all the more important for us all to have the same name as we are our own safe and happy family unit now.

I suppose I wanted to know if anyone has any idea how likely a judge would be to agree: also, has anyone changed back without having the same name as their Dc and felt comfortable with that?

How old are they? I think you will most likely get a double barrel tbh, my daughter has both mine and exes surname. I wanted his removed but was told a judge very rarely changes a child’s whole name unless there are very serious reasons.

Change your name back to your maiden name. If you can't change one DC's name and the other doesn't want to, see if you can double barrel it. Then you can start to drop the part one DC doesn't like by telling the school they only use part of the name: Registered as Johnny Dippydoo-Smith but to be known as Johnny Smith and Peggy Dippydoo-Smith, to be known as Peggy Dippydoo. "Peggy" isn't going to be traumatized by you and their sibling using a different name, as long as you explain it to her in a neutral way. I'd be willing to bet that as Peggy gets older she may end up migrating to 'Smith', anyway.

Either or both can change their name legally eventually if they want to, whether their father likes it or not.

A court is very unlikely to agree to a name change, and particularly not in the case of your child who wants to keep their present name. If the other child prefers it, they can double barrel your and your ex’s surnames, and then adopt just one as a “known as” name, which can be used unofficially - although if the desired effect is to stop teasing at school, the fact that their classmates already know their real surname is likely to hinder usage of a “known as” name.

At 16, they can change their name through deed poll without parental consent.

Yes, I wouldn't force a name change on anyone. They don't like being teased and to some degree it could be too late, but it's one of those names that you don't want to carry all your life. Funnily enough, the child who feels it's familiar to them to the point they'd probably stick with it, said they'd change it when they meet someone in the future so their own partner and children didn't have to put up with it! So it's not even a no, more of a not yet. The other DC doesn't much like it and so would happily shed it.
It's not really the sort of name you could double barrel. Think of it as being called Montgomery and Higgingsbottom - you just couldn't double it as there are too many syllables for it to flow.

Could you just shorten the name to Higgins by common usage ?

When I was at school there was someone called Sidebottom who's entire family pronounced it as SiddayBottome.
Could an affectation like that limit the impact for your children, or would that make it worse?

We talked about changing it slightly to modify it; both DC were open to that idea, but it means it's then nobody's name at all. A slightly odd (but a bit less weird) name that nobody feels any affinity with.
It could be the only option, there doesn't seem to be an obviously easy alternative.

The child that wants to change their name can just use your maiden name at school without changing it. You don’t need anyone’s permission to use a different name.

I went to school with a girl that had a surname bogey . She changed it as soon as she left school, kids are awful.

Can you all just do what each of you want to then everyone is happy?

(Or, find a drop dead gorgeous, intelligent very rich Mr Smith and send his twin brother my way 😉)

The only advice I would have is to the child who wants to use a future partner’s name. They need to learn from your story.

They can choose their name and don’t need a partner to give one to them. That way if it doesn’t work out, which is probable, they can still have their own name.

How long ago did you divorce? If recent, do you think a lot of how you all feel is charged by and as much to do with the emotional associations as the actual name itself? The name clearly isn’t so dreadfully awful that it stopped you choosing to take it on as your own and actively give it to both your children - even changing the eldest’s existing surname. With the passage of time and with your ex absent, is it possible the name might just take on a more familiar and benign feeling for you all as just your own family name?

You can ask the school to simply use another name - official documents stay the same but they're known day to day as another name.
We've had this with girls coming to a club I help with. Known to everyone as kid A. Actual passport says kid B. As we discovered when organising a trip! Passport was Dad's name. Known by name was Mums (parents divorced)
Don't think this breaks any rules.

How old? If secondary school aged the courts are likely to go with the child's wishes. Change your name if you want to

Is the surname Dickhead? Rimmer?

A bogey is part of a train, as well as being the obvious.

Yep I know. But she got teased horrifically sadly.