Cheating Ex

[ShockDiscovery]

Divorce underway, separated for a year, husband has moved out & we share 50/50 care.

Husband initiated the divorce but we had been living as companions for a couple of years beforehand. All amicable so far. Or was.

Recently informed of his repeated affairs. My ‘friends’ knew about the affairs and had also spotted him on a swinging site when looking for a mutual friends cheating partner. They didn’t want to upset me or destroy my marriage but decided to now clear their conscious. It’s all true.

I don’t know what to do with this information. Should I confront him or let sleeping dogs lie? Im in shock.

Anyone? Maybe I should move this to relationships.

I feel it’s better for future relations if I don’t mention it, as really, what will it achieve. But why should he think he’s got away with being so damn devious?

I also need new friends.

I know I’d want to tell him his secrets had been spilled, but I suppose the grown up way would be figuring out how this would affect your currently amicable situation and if it would impact the children (not directly as in they’d be made aware etc but would he be a bit of a dick and make co-parenting difficult in response?)

it must be hurtful to find this out now, as even though you’re not together now, he did this while you were. It’s bound to raise some questions/reflections and affect your emotions.

I wouldn’t be too hard on your friends - it’s a difficult situation to be in. I can say having been in a relationship where my partner was unfaithful, I would absolutely have wanted to have been told by friends if they knew - this is obviously in hindsight. But I do have friends that have been ‘shot’ as the messenger and lost their friends for exposing their partners affairs.

totally understand your shock though, sometimes we really never know a person do we? One thing you can definitely appreciate here though is that you made the right decision in ending the relationship no matter what the original reasoning

edit to add:

I can see your point about needing new friends as this must hurt, I feel if they kept quiet at the time, maybe they should have continued to play dumb and not admit it now (don’t see what coming forward now achieves for them unless it’s to clear their conscious)

or have they admitted the knowledge in order to try and support you now the truth is out? How did you find out? If from untelated persons and now friends are offering sympathy, I can sort of get it, but if they are the ones to reveal this now, seems a bit unfair.

I do imagine your friendships will be tarnished by this new info though and may be difficult for you to come to terms with which is completely understandable given the fact they’ve kept this from you all this time

Yes, to clear their conscious @PastaBelly.

i feel stupid. They knew and I didn’t.

I'd just leave it. You are getting divorced. He isn't your problem anymore. I'd stay nothing and ger on with co parenting. Divorce is hard enough on kids without the added drama and animosity.

You have nothing to feel stupid about. You can't act on what you didn't know.

I am struggling with my now ex h not acknowledging what he's done so my advice is to try once then give up or better still, wait until it's all sorted then hit him with what you know. Or use it as a way to get more.

TBH I don't know. I feel for you.

Yes to better friends.

Hello!

Divorced. Ex had over 50 affairs and was on swinging sites.. probably at group events with your ex.

I found out so much more after the split. Obviously some before hence the split.

I confronted him with new information. It didn't help but I couldn't not.

I never get the truth from him just justifications and gas lighting.

So my advice would be don't waste your energy. But if I was you I would because I couldn't not!

Sending hugs

It’s an awful feeling for you, and it would definitely hurt and make you question how strong the friendship was. I’m sorry

how important were those friendships to you before they came clean? I say this in sympathy as I lost a lot of friendships when my relationship broke down - I found some didn’t like the idea of a single woman being around them and their partner, some just felt awkward and some took loyalty with the friend who was the affair partner, I assume for the least messy route. It really made me question my worth and how genuine the friendship was. Some were very close friends since childhood. To me at least. It made me really think that they obviously weren’t great friends to me to begin with

i try not to judge, it can’t have been a nice situation for them to be in and I don’t suppose anyone wants to deliver that news while you’re unaware, but if there were a few friends from the same friendship group who knew, and likely spoke together about this, I’d definitely feel hurt that they didn’t share concerns with me. They could have quietly mentioned concerns without going in to full blown detail and allowed you the privilege of deciding how to handle this with the bonus of being there to provide support to you.

it’s possible your friendships may be affected by this and alter, and may even feel like another betrayal. You’ve been hit with a lot of news there all at once. How are your friends with you now? Are they at least trying to salvage it and understanding of your feelings?

Hmm. Silence is a power. Use it wisely. You don't need to decide whst to do with this info yet.

Sorry about your friends.Its shit but they won't have wanted to hurt you.

In another year from now you'll likely care a lot less and hopefully be divorced.

I know @researchers3 but how smug must he feel that he got away with it.

My friends keep telling me I’m well rid and can do better @PastaBelly. They are lacking in empathy and presume I’m ok as we were already getting divorced. I’m struggling with the tarnished memories and feel ashamed, even though that shame should rest with him.

I think your friends have behaved dreadfully. It was bad enough they knew what was going on when it was going on and didn't tell you. But to tell you now is nothing more than cruel.
I would find it very hard not to talk to him about what you have been told. But I do think it would be best left until after the divorce settlement is finalised.
Horrible for you OP.

Hmm, they can’t drop this bomb and not expect some fall out! You might be divorcing, that doesn’t matter, the news of his affairs are happening to you right now - not a year or two ago!
it’s absolutely going to make you rehash your relationship and question who exactly you were married to. You obviously are well rid - that doesn’t mean you’re not affected by this new information- it took place while you were together and is not the reason you split.
You’ve just found out you’ve been cheated on in a long term relationship with children involved, and really, it hasn’t ended all that long ago. If you’d split because he was unfaithful and then more affairs came to light you were unaware of, I could possibly view their attitudes a little more generously.

it does sound insensitive of them really.

I don’t think it’s worth raising with him, you’re already separated so what’s the point in more drama and another conversation …. let sleeping dogs lie.

Not really clear on your friends leaving it until now to mention, if they hadn’t mentioned it previously they should have just not said anything.

@Collette78 that’s the sensible answer.

How can someone live a double life and his wife be completely oblivious?

If he had made that much effort with me then the marriage may have worked. I’m hurt and obsessing over signs I must have missed.

@Mooselooseinmyhoose that's horrific. I’m so sorry.

Yes it appears he’s been at group events. Then came home to his family. I don’t know how long I can hold it in for but I know telling him what I know won’t achieve anything positive.

I never thought he was type. More fool me.

This level of cheating is clearly an addiction, he was adept at hiding this addiction much like a functioning alcoholic. Unfortunately for him, he left a trail, and others picked up this trail, whether they should tell you is a tricky social dilemma.
I had some friends who were like this, once my ex was outed we split, but the friends continued to relay information about my ex's antics. Eventually, it all quieted down after I distanced myself.
Emotionally it took a few years to calm myself, even now years later I still have trust issues.
Good luck..

Wait until the divorce is final and you have as much out of him as possible. Then write him a letter and tell him that you need to get this off your chest as you can't live with yourself. Whilst you were together you were so sexually unsatisfied that you had multiple affairs, some times 2 or 3 in the same day it was a terrible addiction and you need to clear your conscience. Obviously I'm joking but whatever you do wait until the money is in the bank. Sounds like you are well rid of him. And yea - get some new friends.

if you brought it up would you have a massive fall out? or could you have a conversation so that youre able to close the chapter? perhaps get an apology from him? youre getting divorced now so what do you have to lose.

your friends - honestly how could they.