Changing contact says/times

[Mum5011]

What notice would you say is acceptable for changing day/time to collect kids? My ex is constantly moving the goal posts. There is no court order in place and the 2 teenagers go to his every other weekend. Several times he’s wanted to swap or said he’s away and can’t have them and I’ve accommodated. He then moved further away and said it wouldn’t cause a problem, 5 months later I had to relent to collecting from his every time so that they could continue there weekend hobbies. If I hadn’t he wouldn’t have taken them to football etc as said it was too much. Now he’s changed again and said I need to do the Friday night activities run when it’s not my weekend. I’ve agreed so my kids don’t miss out and they go now on a Saturday morning to his. He changed it due to work but I know I’ll get messages at short notice saying I can finish early and can get them now . There’s been soo many changes and all on his terms with me doing extra to ensure their routines/hobbies are kept. Am I being reasonable in saying i need 24 hrs notice if he is going to change from a Saturday pick up to a Friday pick up? They are 15 & 17 and live with me. Where do I stand?

If they're 15 and 17 they're old enough to be dealing with him directly surely? Do they even want to go?

The older one decides but the younger one worries he’ll get awkward. They do deal directly usually but when it’s a change that affects me and lifts etc we discuss it together. I have as little contact as possible however sometimes it’s needed like in this instance.

How far do you live from
each other? Can a friend help with lifts to activities? Can they be shared at all ?

it’s a complete pita but o think you know he won’t stick to any arrangement so you either need to decide whether you say no and that means kids miss out on activities or just do it to facilitate them / or try to get lifts ( only works if you’re both near and local )

It’s a 1hr 15 min round trip and no lifts available so I end up doing the donkeys share. I just want a routine to stick to so I know where I am with days etc x

I think you need to talk to the kids and work out a plan together. 48hrs notice for changes, or the kids can't make it. But that means the three of you work together because he is never going to change. Sounds like he things ym3verything revolves around him.

Explain to the children you might lose your job if you have to keep dropping work last minute they need to decide before they go if they are doing the activity or not because he clearly isn't going to take them

You’re not unreasonable to want a set routine and notice. It just doesn’t sound like he’ll stick to it

so it comes back to you either doing the journey or your kids not going.

l

I think the teens need to take some responsibility for their timetable and relationship with their father. But some, not all and you should lay the groundwork for this with him. For that I would just lay out the facts, he lives further away, you both have jobs and commitments and the kids want to do local activities. The final point is that they are old enough to decide how and when they do the activities and balance that with seeing him. The reality is that at their age neither of you are going to see them on Friday and Saturday nights or days much anyway. They will be socialising. Between you both you need to give them freedom to do that and keep them safe.

Then if they want to do an activity on a Friday they can work out the logistics of getting there and back and having a bed for the night. For my part I would want to be around to pick them up later in the evening and night if they out. I would want him to do that as well. So my boundary for them would be they need to factor in one or both of us being available after 10 to do pick ups. The rest they can sort out themselves.

They will be increasingly independent and they will want to socialise as they become adults. That would result in you seeing much less of them and you should get them to take responsibility for transport (within reason). Your ex is going to have to accept that his decision to move is going to interfere with the time he sees them. But that’s for him and them to workout.

He is a narcissist and it took me 24 years of marriage to realise 🙈. I’m only just starting to be able to stand up to him, I try and be prepared with answers to him but you honestly never know what he’s going to through at you next. Thankfully I haven’t got long left of having to deal with it or him 😂. Thank you everyone for your helpful replies x