Ideas for lonely evenings at home please.

[mom2daisypie]

Hi All,

Some of you will know my situation by now so I'll keep it brief.
42 years old, newly separated after 18 years of marriage. Co-parenting 2 DC 50/50 at my rented house. Only moved in 5 weeks ago and although I've made it homely, I'm at a loss at how to fill my time without DC. I find myself just walking from room to room, sitting down, ruminating, crying and generally feeling hopeless. I find some things too upsetting (having a candlelit bath just leaves me alone with my thoughts again for example) and I'm too exhausted to read a book.

I have 3 close friends who check in on me by messaging most days but they are all in long term relationships, have children and their own problems so understandably can't meet up without lots of notice.

I'm looking for some pearls of wisdom from those who have been in my position please. Grieving a life lost, alone for the first time, anxious and deeply sad with constant whirling thoughts!

How did you fill your spare time?

What have you got going on out of the house? I decided to join a running club and do their couch to 5K on a bit of a mad whim (I hadn’t run since I was at school) and it’s been completely life changing. I have a whole new circle of friends. One of the best things is that none of them knew me as a part of a couple so never ask me about him. I found with my other friends, every conversation led back to him somehow which was really draining.

You need to find stuff to do that takes you out of the house. Join PTA, do some kind of exercise, volunteering, adult education class, go to the cinema.

It’s really hard, especially doing stuff that you’d normally do with someone else, but be brave.

Slightly different circumstances, but I'm a bit younger than you and frequently housebound and on my own a lot due to a disability.

It was really hard and I needed to grieve but I'm generally ok now. Hobbies have made a huge difference. The biggest for me has been learning to play new instruments. I learn with a tutor who has a social group where the adults can meet up over coffee and cake every month and show the pieces they've been working on. When I'm well I also do Open Mic nights (or just listen) and there's a really strong community which has come out of that.

Other friends in your situation have joined choirs or am-dram grouos which are very social or learned to paint/knit/crochet and joined groups where they work on their pieces together.

I've definitely had times when the thought of getting out to do things hasn't just been physically impossible but mentally overwhelming and emotionally distressing.
With Music (or crochet or painting or whatever floats your boat), what was good was that I could start learning off Youtube, in my PJs and stop/start whenever I felt like it. Sometimes that involved a good cry, but no one saw and when things improved I could take the hobby out of the house and meet other people through it.

Some days I can walk, some days I can't but I find walking and being in nature helps me to regulate my emotions. I'll listen to music or podcasts (which makes me feel less alone) at the same time. Sometimes, leaving the house is too much for me, so I've bought a walking pad which fits under the bed and I put it somewhere with a nice view and walk and listen to audiobooks, usually autobiographies of inspirational people who have overcome similar hardships. Again, it helps me feel less alone.

Exercise is really good at shifting your emotional state and boosting your mood, if you can manage it, do. It WILL feel awful at first, but I just committed to ten mins at a time and eventually I realised how much better it always makes me feel. There are lots of amazing videos and instructors on Youtube.

Also therapy, EFT, poly vagal exercises have all really helped me deal with the big emotions and grief.

It will get better, I promise. This phase is awful but in time you'll feel whole and happy in your own company and that in itself is such a gift. You can still create a lovely life for yourself with this time and space that currently feels like a curse. You really might surprise yourself.

Thanks for the reply.
At the moment I have nothing going on, other than work, outside of the house. Lots of lovely people on here recommended a dog as a companion, and I took the advice, so I have an 8 week old puppy at the moment which obviously limits what I can do realistically for a while, but I know he'll be worth it long term.

I did look into an art class but it starts next week and the pup will still be too young to be left for 3 hours once a week.

The idea of going to the cinema alone, once the puppy is old enough to be alone for short periods, scares me to be honest. Is this something you do? I've honestly always been in a relationship, from the age of about 16 to now (42) so doing things that I'd always seen as something to do with a partner worry me. I'm not sure if it would trigger my anxiety or worse, a panic attack (had 2 so far and they were terrifying). I guess I'm now scared of feeling scared so trying to protect myself while still trying to make positive steps.

Read "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. It's fab and helped me when I was single for a long period of time and anxious about being alone.

I went from having panic attacks anytime I was alone on a train to going on holidays alone, huge arena gigs, the theatre and opera and yes...the cinema.

The cinema was my first "solo" outing. I thought people would think I was weird and built it up in my head. The first time I managed it, I felt really silly afterwards for how worked up I'd been. No one cared that I was alone (actually, the staff were much nicer). There were quite a few other people there alone. I made it special for myself by having more indulgent snacks than I might have with a friend. I booked a posh seat. I also had something to talk about with friends afterwards. Then cinema dates with myself became a regular outing, and built up to theatre, gigs, weekend breaks etc.

You can do it. Start small. Accept it might feel uncomfortable. Give yourself permission to leave if it's too much at first. "I'll go for 10 minute and see how I get on" was my motto.

Can you boil it down to what you feel is missing or what you need/want?

Is it companionship (lonely), company (anxious about living alone), boredom (no chores that have to be done), distraction (ruminating thoughts), tiredness (no energy to do anything about it, or something else?

If you work and have children then maybe it’s a lot to do with having ‘spare time’ that you don’t know what do with because this is the first time it’s happened. This is what many women get when their children move to university/ move out.

I have a lot of ruminating thoughts about my divorce. I have to notice that I’m doing this and force myself have more positive thought - but it’s bloody hard. Sometimes it just like part of the grieving process - and you have to go through it and your body and brain have to process it before you can come out the other side.

I force myself to think about the future (short and long) when I’m no longer this emotional mess.

Its an ugly time - but you have to hang onto the hope that one day this will be behind you.

Cinema on your own is great. I would just say don't arrive too early so you don't hover about being bored or feeling anxious. What about finding a puppy training class to attend?

Take up a hobby like crafting. Knititng crochet or embroidery. Genealogy. Become a member of a bookclub. We have a lovsl beer cafe that does a monthly book club a dog would be possible to come along. Something that will make your mind focused without it is exhausting.

Dog training with the dog?

Cinema was also my first solo outing. There was something I really wanted to see that everyone was talking about which tipped me over into doing it. I thought everyone would think I was a big wierdo, but nobody really pays attention to anyone else. I hardly ever used to go the cinema with my ex, because he didn’t like it, so I always feel like it’s one finger up to him as well.

i don’t mind days out by myself but I haven’t done any solo travelling yet, I’ve not quite reached the tipping point for that. Which is a bit mad as I’ve travelled for work on my own loads.

I’ve come to really enjoy doing things on my own - I almost prefer solo cinema trips because I don’t have to give my thoughts on the film the second we leave the screen and can give it a bit of time! Same with going to galleries, choosing places to eat etc - I don’t have anyone else’s tastes to think about so I can please myself 😁

I had a dog. He got me through it. I lived 100s of miles from family & friends & sometimes they’d say “oh you must be so lonely, especially when the kids have gone to bed”, and I would always think, well no, because I’ve got ddog. He followed me almost everywhere and if he didn’t follow me he’d position himself so he could see me. I’d talk to him, walk him etc. Genuinely never felt lonely or bored.

I’m married but I regularly go to cinema and theatre on my own. I’ve recently joined a fb group which arranges social events like theatre trips etc so maybe something like
that near you may be an idea?

dog training Classes?
parkrun?

I recently went to the cinema for the first time by myself and it was amazing! I pre booked my posh seat and got some tasty snacks that I didn’t have to share. I felt massively anxious beforehand but honestly noone gave me a second glance and there were 4 other solo people there as well! I can honestly say I’d never noticed solo people prior to me going alone but now I do clock them and think good for you.

Once pup gets a bit older they’ll take up so much for your time! I love going walking with the dog, I go all over by myself but you could always join walking clubs as well to discover new routes & people.

My ex worked away so I was already used to being alone in an evening. I binge tv shows / read / cook myself nice meals / listen to music / colour / go to the gym / walk dog.

Could you join a walking club that allow dogs?
I luckily have lots of friends with dogs so tend to meet almost daily for a dog walk/coffee and then I don’t mind being alone at night as I’m peopled out.
I go to the cinema & enjoy being alone.
Being able to watch series on TV and bingeing them.
Catching up on the phone with friends in the evenings and both having a glass of wine 🍷

i think once the Summer evenings come in I’ll join a running club around DC’s after school sports activities.

Time flies by doing jigsaws ime. And what about making plans for any outdoor space you have? Spring won't be too long!!

I was 45, I met up with friends, weekly pub quiz and took up dating (for fun not keeps so I thought) I met my now husband about 7 months later.