LTB: but he's a narcissist

[Mylastroloisforme]

Hi, I have been ducks-in-rowing for the last few weeks.

Now I have to tell him to go. But he's a covert narcissist. So how do I get him to go with minimal risk to me- has anyone managed to leave one themselves?

Yes the police are aware (previous abuse) and I'm getting support from a DV charity and some others (HV/schools etc). I've been very diligent in my prep because he will not take this lying down.

What I need to know is literally the words to say to provoke him the least (my existence pisses him off, but he won't let me split easily)

So far what I have is:
"We both know our relationship is over, it's time to separate. Let's keep things civil for DC. But you are no longer able to return to the property from now on. I will send your things onto you"

The property is in my name only, ive had legal advice, it's a rented house and his abuse means he has no rights to remain there.

There's been no violence yet but he's bigger than me and he hates me. This will send the situation nuclear.

I have been advised not to give up our house and make me and DC homeless. Leaving is my preferred option but where we are I've been told we'd go into a b&b...and not a nice one. I haven't taken leaving off the table. If the consensus is that that is best I still might.

He moved us far far away from my network so I'll be white knuckling this totally alone (Inc small dc)

Please can I ask only to reply if you have survived leaving a narc/NPD. I'm not safe yet, and D-day is approaching. TIA xx

Just change the locks while he’s out. No text messages etc to warn him of what’s coming. All communication via a third party (preferably solicitor) to keep things civil. Mine arranged a date and time for H to collect his belongings - I packaged them all up and left them in the garage so that he wouldn’t be entering the house. I made sure that DD and I were out that day and my brother was there at the house to supervise.

Do you not have to give any notice?
id be pissed if I was simply told I couldn’t come hone and had nowhere to go-does he ?

what arrangements will be in place re the children?

agree with pp that you’ll need to arrange time to collect things and have someone supervise that and will need to discuss child arrangements and how /where this will take place.

It’s OP’s house, not his. No notice is needed. I was personally advised by my solicitor to do things this way as it was likely to be the most peaceful. Do you really think that someone with abusive tendencies is going to take kindly to any notice given?

I can't give him notice, it's literally giving him notice to destroy me.

If you have never fled abuse please don't comment

I have not fled domestic abuse but I DO have extensive experience with someone like your STBX so I hope you won't mind me commenting.
There are literally no words that will make this better, he will be outraged that you are daring to break up with him and appeals to be civil will only make him more angry. The ONLY way to deal with Narcs is to give them as little emotion to feed off as possible, they need and crave reactions from people so the best thing is not to give them one and become boring.

How old are the DC?

I was simply asking because it’s understandable he’s going to get angry, as would anyone. And you said this will go nuclear. And if you have children together you’ll still need to deal with that, hence not trying to inflame a situation.

you also said he’s not been violent

no I don’t think he’s going to take it kindly. But I don’t think simply being kicked out ( if nowhere to go) is also going to result in him simply saying oh ok then I’ll just leave .

sounds like op needs somewhere there with her if it all kicks off and to be prepared to call police. And remove children first before telling him

What you have said sounds good, short, to the point, not emotional.

Grey rock- no emotion from you.
Ring doorbell, change all locks for all doors, have a password with friends/family in case of an emergency and you can't talk, notify neighbours to call the police if they hear anything if you have a good relationship with them, change every password on everything to something completely random, all communication in writing (I'd suggest a parenting app like our family wizard) and block on everything else.

I don't want to scare you, but a kind police officer and a therapist kindly warned me that once they see they are losing control their behaviour escalates. My ex never physically hurt me until after we broke up. So always have your phone charged, have a third party at handovers if you can when childcare is decided. Video every interaction, document everything.

Also I would suggest moving anything really important like documents, passports etc to a safe place out of the home, maybe even things he knows are important to you like photos. Notifying school/nursery, so get a letter in writing through your solicitor about the children asap as it will help when/if you end up in court.

Bank accounts- get the money out asap, stop all overdrafts because they can be used against you.

So sorry you are going through this, hope i haven't overly worried you, but this was stuff I wish I'd been told sooner.

Block him on everything and go through the app or solicitor. Wishing you all the luck in the world and well done for making these steps, you're doing the right thing abd this time next year you will be so proud of how far you have come and will see how much happier you and your children are. I'm a year in and don't regret it at all.