I just don’t know what to do. Been with husband for about 18 years married for 11. 2 kids. When we met he had a full time job and a house (half owned with his parents). I was a student but have become a high earning professional. He lost his job of many years about three years before we got married. He has taken the view since then he went through such a hard time with that that he should never really have to do anything work wise he didn’t want to do and he could basically rely on me to pay the bills. He kept promising me new leaves in that regard and I can see all these sliding doors moments when I should have walked away- I shouldn’t have married him. I should have put the brakes on the process to adopt our kids until he took things seriously.
He also has an expensive hobby which dominates his time, focus and his spending. It comes with items which take up a lot of room in our house and for years I had to pay storage costs for them. Due to his spending on going out and his hobby just before our first son came home we could only afford for me to be on 4 months adoption leave and I cried every day those first few weeks back as I was having a terrible time at work and I just wanted more time with my baby. My husband refused to sell any of his hobby items to fund more time off.
Over the past decade he has worked sporadically, never at proper employment with pension, benefits etc with a fair few months of nothing at all. During this time he has never stopped his hobby or going out. This means although my being a high earner, we have no savings, credit card debts of about £8k and after a reasonable middle class life (one foreign holiday a year, a cleaner, nice Christmas for the kids, leg waxing, nails and hair for me) there is not much to build up a savings pot. He has mismanaged his dad’s finances (he lives abroad and has dementia) and he now has no savings and has regularly dipped into our account to send money there which we do not have.
Over the last ten years I have done all the mental load; running the household, bills, kids arrangements, his tax returns, booking holidays etc even when I was working full time and he wasn’t. He has now had a full time job (at last) since September (he was temping there for a year before) and seems to take the view now he is doing that all issues are sorted and we should have money to spend- he does not seem to understand budgeting.
I have spent a decade begging him to work, begging him to put his hobby on the back burner for a bit, begging him to get counselling, to learn to drive to help me telling him I was struggling, telling him the resentment was building up and it would kill our relationship. Basically begging him to love me which is so pathetic. We were meant to have a third child- we were going to adopt a daughter and he promised to get a full time job, put the hobby on the back burner and work on our relationship so we could. He did nothing so that is a dream I had to let go. I see women with their baby girls and baby girls items in shops and just cry. He could have sold a chunk of his hobby items so I could have that. He would not.
We have not had sex for years as I just feel so worthless I don’t really want to have sex with anyone but especially not with him as I don’t trust him to be vulnerable with him. I have sobbed telling him how he broke my heart over the kids, how I feel I have wasted years of my life trying to get him to love me. He doesn’t seem to feel any shame over any of it. He just says there is nothing he can do about the past but he loves me and he will make changes. In ten years the only changes have been a full time job (for the past five months) and setting his alarm to help get the kids ready.
When I had to spend the last of the savings on a big leak he promised he would sell a chunk of hobby items so we could pay off the holiday. He has not and it turns out he has no intention of doing so: he is getting other people’s hobby items to sell for commission. Which he has not actually done. So no money coming.
I am either full of rage and resentment and then am crippled with guilt as the kids hate it when we argue. Or I am so low and miserable I genuinely worry about how long I can continue like this. I feel like I have wasted my best years feeling this miserable. It barely seems to affect him. He says he hates seeing what he has done to me but then will tell me I exaggerate and should be happy he is not as bad as some men.
I have looked into it and I think if I tried to leave him he could take a bigger share of the house value, claim some of my pension, claim spousal maintenance but keep all his hobby items as he had them before we were married. I feel like I am stuck forever. It is either this or the same life but in a shite flat, funding him forever and only seeing my kids half the time. I went to Uni and worked hard in this career because I didn’t want to scrimp and save like we did growing up- I wanted a nice life. My career has been pretty mediocre as well because unlike my male counterparts I have not had the support at home so I could have built up contacts and a client following etc- I just don’t have the energy for anything else. I am 45 and this is it, isn’t it?
Sorry for the long post. I have just been sat here crying after another blow up where I have told him how much I hate him for the things I have missed out on. I just didn’t know where to turn.