Loyalty

[Lis667]

My husband has been quite bitter and plain nasty during our separation. He told me today he has no loyalty to me. Despite being together for 15 years and having a 2 year old. I know everyone is different but I have loyalty towards him even when separated. Iv seen ex husbands go above and beyond for their baby mothers despite them not being together.

Not sure what your question is? You are right though, keep your dignity.

Stop using theterm baby mother, it's demeaning to any parent. You're his estranged wife and mother of his child. You need to find your anger, believe him and act accordingly.

Not so much I question I quess, just seeing if anyone else would be hurt by it

It all depends what you mean by loyalty surely? If you’re talking about being civil & co-parenting and he’s not then that’s not okay, but if you’re talking about loyalty in terms of not seeing other people then he’s right in that he has no loyalty to you now in that way and can do what or who he likes

Well what do you mean by loyalty? The marriage is over so the two of you need to try and do what’s best for your shared child. He owes the child, he doesn’t owe you for having the child which you seem to suggest. Why did you split up?

No not about seeing other people, I know that. I just hope if anyone says anything bad about me etc and things like that

I have a very good relationship with my exh. We were together 17 years and married for 15, 3 children together. I left him as his mental health deteriorated and he became controlling and emotionally abusive. Despite this he has turned his life around. We get on very well together as co parents. He would always do his best to step up and help in an emergency. We have lent each other money for example.
I am remarried but I know I can still rely on the kids dad if there is a need. He can also rely on me to help him where I can.
We were together a long time and have kids together so of course there will always be some loyalty there.

Divorce is hurtful, as pp says you need to try to stop letting him affect you. You are no longer together so should try not to be upset by his behaviour. Do you have friends/family who can support you ?

Without knowing the details of your divorce/separation he is obviouslyhurt and angry. Therefore he feels he owes you nothing?
If its still new, then why would he bend over backwards for you? As his now estranged wife.
Of course its hurtful, i would be hurt too but its part and parcel of divorce, the only person your STBXH owes anything to now is your child!
Yes some ex's do go above and beyond but it's not usual, and in those situations it takes time to do so and it's almost always due to meeting the needs of the child and not the mother. You as an adult should be able to figure out how to meet your own needs and together figure out how to put your child first!

The only person he owes anything to is your shared child.

Did you instigate the separation?

You are are separated. Many men compartmentalise like this. You aren't his 'problem' any more.

Did you end the marriage?

Haha he has said those words before, no he did

No he did, it’s hard as we are having to still live together and he has a chip on his shoulder even though he ended it

If you were a bit more specific people might be able to help.

Ah, you are still living together. In that case he does owe you the respect he would show a housemate. Ideally you would not be under the same roof once separated.

Divorce is tricky and in the early days things get said.

I’m not clear by what you mean about wanting him to go “above and beyond” ?

All you owe eachother now is a respectful co-parenting relationship, being cordial and flexible.

I trust my ExH to support in emergencies and rearrange childcare etc and I do the same vice versa but other than that we don’t make demands of eachother or rely on eachother for anything else.

Unless you're into collecting men I'd question why you care? The reality when people divorce is they move on.

If or when you get a new partner and they have had a prior relationship, would you be happy if they were loyal to their ex?

So, in his less than tactful way, he is probably trying to draw a very clear boundary. He has decided the relationship is over and he no longer owes you anything. It is hard, but he is right. His loyalty now should be to the child and himself.

The bitterness and nastiness is sadly, quite normal. At the moment, you are in the way. You are blocking his route to whatever shiny new fantasy life he has created in his head. Even if there is not yet a new partner, there is probably an idea of one. And she isn't you.

Don't sink to his level. Keep being you. But distant and separate from him. Lay down some ground rules for interaction until you can live separately. He cooks for himself, he cleans up after himself etc.

It is hurtful but it is his truth right now. Hopefully your relationship will improve when the divorce and finances are settled.

just hope if anyone says anything bad about me etc and things like that

I think you are going to have to let go of this expectation of "loyalty" from your ex. You are in the process of divorcing and emotions are running high. Hopefully in time things settle down and you two can have a mutually respectful relationship, but right now you'll have to settle for a civil working relationship as co-parents.

Kindly, resist the temptation to cling to aspects of your "old" relationship; that has ended. The fact that you're even thinking about whether or not he'd defend you if someone said something negative about you shows that you haven't really fully accepted the reality of your divorce. It takes time.

I had to live with my ex and then 2 year old child for few weeks after we have separated and this has been a special kind of he'll. It is hard for you, especially as you say divorce was his idea. Please believe him when he is saying he is done. He cannot wait for you to be out and as soon as you let go of any fantasy involving him being loyal or defending you, the better. You need your own place and prepare yourself mentally for new woman in your exs and child's life. Nothing you can do. Also, 10 years later we are civil, amicable even. We coparent peacefully. All feelings have faded

It is hurtful, it's a particularly pointed way to tell you you mean nothing to him even though you're the mother of his child.