Children visiting dad

[Bboo3]

I know they have to have a relationship with him. But I get such bad anxiety days before they are due to see him. They usually cry when they leave, sometimes my 3 year old son won't go at all.
I hate them being away. They are my entire life and I don't want to be told to find hobbies.
It's not fair that my husband cheats in me, leaves me paying all the bills and I have to then share the children. I honestly could kill him!

Sadly, it is not about you or your feelings. You're only making it harder for your kids...

I expect you’re the problem for your kids. Even if you say you don’t show it they’ll pick up on your feelings and emotions

and I say this nicely, they shouldnt be your world. They are your children and you love them with all your heart but you’re an adult who should not rely on them to validate your life. You don’t want to hear it but I’ll say it anyway, you need to be an adult, act like one and find your own life not hijack theirs. You’re setting them up for big problems if you carry on like this

let go of the anger and resentment and help your children through this

It's not fair, but life isn't. Your children deserve to have a good relationship with their Dad.

With kindness, I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself OP. This is not about you and your needs and wants.
Their Dad is entitled to a relationship and time with them, you can’t resent him for that.

Focus on learning coping mechanisms to deal with your anxiety. The kids will no doubt be picking up on the tension and negativity.

And I speak from experience, as I have been in the same situation. It gets easier by filling your life with other distractions and occupations.

Sorry OP, but you need to separate your relationship with their father from their relationship with their father.

I know from experience that it's hard when their dad has cheated (and in my case left us for the OW not wanting a 50/50 custody), but I'm afraid you need to 'grin and bear it'.

I know that it's hard and it doesn't feel fair, but you need to do this.

You’re allowed to feel like this. The only way is through it. I think it will get better.
And I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.

I can’t know your situation OP but I separated from my exw when my son was 4. We nested 50-50 (lucky enough to have had a 2nd property) and then bought our own houses sequentially so our child didn’t have to deal with 2 new houses at once.

We have had just one incident of ‘I don’t want to go’ in the last seven years.

Be angry. Recognise what’s unfair. But truly the best form of revenge is success.

My exh was verbally and physically abusive but as he’s never been this way towards our child (his own father was the same) I keep my feelings about him to myself and only ever say positive things about him to our child. Their relationship is more important than how I feel. My child has never felt guilty about leaving me at home when he goes to dad.

What happened to me was not fair. I felt horrible on non contact days at first. I didn’t want my son to go. But I never allowed him to see this. I grieved privately and with a therapist.

I then started ‘project me’ to use all the extra time I had to secure my own future.

First I hit the gym. Within six months I was deadlifting my body weight.

I then bought a wreck of a house and renovated it.

I also got promoted and changed jobs. I have added £40k to my annual wage.

I joined a choir and took up yoga. I strengthened my local friendship group and there are four mums who live nearby who I go on holidays with. Two of them are divorced now too and one is heading that way.

I got a boyfriend, who won’t become a husband because he has a difficult exw who uses the kids to punish and drain him financially. But I no longer have a husband-shaped hole in my life so again I choose to accept this situation and frankly feel sorry for his exw for being suffocated by anger (she’s currently threatening to give up work if DP doesn’t pay her maintenance for life. She’d rather him pay her to sit at home watching daytime TV than build her career, which is a profession).

I have just offered on a property that is nicer and larger than my marital home was. It has two rooms that I could rent out to university students, which is even more income and could be great for my son when he’s doing A levels and choosing a degree course.

There’s so much one can do when the kid goes to dad’s. Even just resting and recharging for the next round of solo parenting is highly beneficial. Leave that exh in the dust.

It's hard when they are small in fact it's not that easy when they are older but DD is in her mid teens now and. Was able to explain I found the transition difficult.

They often cry because of the transition not because they don't want to see dad. It's often better for the RP to drop the children up so the are being 'given' rather than 'taken from' the RP or have handovers at school / Nursery or a neutral place like a soft play.

However, if you use the time they are away wisely you will be a better mum. You will be rested, your house chores and food for the week can be batch cooked giving you more quality time when your children are at home. Your health will be better if you use that time to exercise and your wellbeing better as you have time for self-care. It's not about hobbies for hobbies sake, it's about adding balance to your life to equalise the being on call 24/7 the rest of the time.

Yes second that on handovers. Do them on school nursery days as much as possible. Our one ‘don’t want to go’ event was after I took my kid on a week holiday. Exh picked us from the airport to minimise transition angst.

“It's often better for the RP to drop the children up so the are being 'given' rather than 'taken from' the RP or have handovers at school / Nursery or a neutral place like a soft play.”

Yes. My DP’s exw refuses to handle any drop offs or pickups because she doesn’t drive. He arranged his time so handovers are usually Fridays or Mondays. During school holidays he has to go to hers every time. The kids wouldn’t have a bag packed and would be mid video game. One morning when I was there with him for pickup because we were going on to a social thing, exw had ‘just’ ordered McDonald’s breakfast.

He now buys football match tickets or books the cinema for holiday handover days so the kids have a reason to want to be ready. Exw then calls him a Disney dad.

I can’t drive because of a disability but for weekend handovers my kid goes to an art club first near my home, with his school bag packed and stored there. Mum takes and dad picks up. There is no reason for anything more complicated.

His behaviour to you is totally separate to your children. You need to separate it out in your mind.

Your feelings about the end of the relationship have zero baring in the relationship between your children and their father.

Your children will mirror your behaviour so sort yourself out and stop inhibiting their relationship with him.