Is it ok to call myself a single parent?

[janiejonstone]

I'm sure this has been covered already on MN but I had a search and couldn't find it. Stbxh walked out in September. He isn't totally absent, and he contributes substantially in terms of money as he earns many multiples of my salary. But he is absolutely not a co-parent. He sees dd7 for a few hours every weekend and for some holiday days (e.g. he had her for one week over the summer and four days in total across the Christmas holidays but nothing at October half term). To be honest I'd describe what he does as weekly childcare rather than parenting. She doesn't have any communication with him apart from that, and mine is restricted to logistics. He doesn't take part in any decisions or conversations about her life, wellbeing, schooling etc (this is despite me always giving the option). DD7 has a planner which I use to record things like GP appointments, parents evenings, playdates etc but stbxh doesn't ever look at it.

Before we split up he travelled extensively for work and I was always really careful not to describe myself as being a "solo" or single parent during those times, and I think my hangup from that is making me hesitant about using those terms now. I'm really aware that I'm not doing everything completely alone in the way that many other single parents are.

But I was thinking today about how important it's become in how I think about myself and this new phase of my life, and in starting to build a community with other single parents. It's a useful shorthand too when I meet new people, particularly in a professional context. I've also noticed that my ex has used "co-parenting" with his family and in legal correspondence, which really p*sses me off. I've seen the term "parallel parenting" but that still seems to imply that both parents are doing a substantial share of actual parenting.

I guess the actual question is: AIBU for calling myself a single parent, even though my ex contributes financially and is still in our daughter's life?

I call myself a single parent. My ex sees my DD just Saturday daytime & prioritises himself. There’s no Co parenting going on here. Infact, he’s like a long lost uncle that wants to be seen as fun. Except he’s not. Under the fun Bobby facade, he’s insecure, selfish & full of OCD. He doesn’t do any parenting or guiding, no encouraging her to have good manners etc. so I’m the only parent so I call myself a single parent.

You also sound like a single parent to me.

You are a single parent.

I describe myself as a lone parent as ex husband dumped our son when he left for OW. No contact at all and he's moved to the other end of the country. He does pay maintenance but only after years of fighting from me via CMS. I am most definitely "lone".

Yes that's fine. My ex isn't involved so I use lone parent as its different from a single parent..

I’m not entirely sure I’d give myself a label when it comes to friends and school parents. Just be you and a mum. I would not just seek out single people.

Unlike most of MN who think 50:50 parenting is standard, it’s really not. His co parenting will be a lot less but what is going to happen regarding the finances and child arrangements from a legal point of view?

I think you could call yourself a single parent, but you should never refer to yourself as a lone parent.
To me single parent refers to a parent, not in a relationship, who is doing the bulk of the parenting.
A lone parent is someone who has no support whatsoever from the other parent (or is widowed) and is not in a relationship with anyone who acts in a parental capacity. Lone parents have to shoulder the full mental and physical responsibility of child rearing.
It is very different from being a single parent who has a break from being a parent, even if only for a few hours a week.

That's really helpful, thank you, and a distinction I'll bear in mind.

Honestly there are so many different family set ups that although the below sort of lays out the difference I don't think IRL people really care. The shared experience of the responsibility being on you which can be crushing at times is the same but there are so many different variations that language really can't keep up.

I'm single and a parent, DD only sees her dad on a Sunday, he does pay maintenance, we don't co parent and she sees him like visiting an Uncle. An Uncle she doesn't particularly like and if it wasn't for her toddler sister that she probably wouldn't visit. Whilst he has her 6 hours a week it is very much just like putting her in childcare although she's a teen now. In terms of decisions though I am a lone parent, DD hasn't even told her dad she is autistic, I shoulder all responsibility and decisions in every area of her life and have done since conception.
However, my parents live 10 doors away and if I need them for anything whether that be childcare when younger, to nip to the shops for me for calpol or to deliver us dinner if I'm too ill to cook I know they are on call (as I am for them and their errands).

Lone parents, no days off from ex, often no supportive family and doing it completely on their own.

Someone widowed has a completely different set of challenges to work through supporting both her and the children whilst grieving.

Then you have those people that have remarried, blended families and extended them with their own challenges.

No one is going to kick you out of the 'club' for using the wrong term.

I have a really strong support network but none of my friends or extended family with kids are separated, so I've wanted to seek out some parents who understand the experience.

We're only three months into the divorce process so I'm not sure yet exactly what will happen, but he has stated in writing that his work commitments mean he can't currently contribute any more in terms of childcare. We've discussed potentially starting overnight stays when he has a permanent place to live (he's currently in a rented flat but doesn't want me or our daughter to see it - I don't even have his exact address).

It's so infuriating and unfair. Sometimes I feel incredibly angry at the freedom he has, and that it comes at the direct cost of mine. It's so exhausting. But I guess the trade off is that I get to have a proper relationship with my daughter, which he has chosen to miss out on.

Unfortunately some men don’t see being a parent as an important part of their lives. Some do. It’s often that work gets in the way but that suits them, and being a parent is delegated.

Intitslky get you feel dumped on and I agree your DD is getting less than she deserves. I think dc find rejection hard.

I assume you have a solicitor?

You're absolutely a single parent, which is different to a lone parent, but you're closer to a lone parent than many single parents are. Sounds tough.

That’s how I have to think. Our DD’s will
know who did what & who raised them. Yes I agree though, all that freedom at my expense causes me resentment. It’s tough.

Lone parent means you're the only parent your kids have, single parent means there's some involvement even if they're an arsehole who contributes bugger all like my ex. Single parent is a wide range from people who have 50/50 with a fully involved father who actually shares half the load to men like my ex who don't pay for a thing and do zero actual parenting. He does have them so I get about 36 hours a week kid free, though there's often fallout to deal with because he's been an arsehole to one or more of our DC or pushed them to do too much which has a big impact on them because of SN. Sometimes it feels like the time he has them is helpful, a lot of the time it makes my life harder and has a bad impact on our kids. In terms of making decisions and supporting my kids it's all on me. He wouldn't even engage when our child was suicidal, it's all on me, it's a hard place to be.