3 children and partner not kind and hasn't been, its so hard to live in this situation.

[123Cathy]

Hi I am hoping for some advice as my head is very confused with do i need to leave with my 3 children or try work things out again. I am 39 partner 41. We are with each other 17 years. Children are 12, 10, 8. Things have been difficult. We are very different people especially now. I only realised that when we had children mainly because I just did what he wanted to do because i thought his ways where better than mine. When I had children It highlighted all or difference especially when raising our children. I thought as the children are bigger things would change.
Thing I have been told by him, im to soft on the children need to toughen them up for the real world, I breast feed to about 6mnts and he says I'd still have them to the tit today and says it to the children (only said it yesterday) tells me I need to parent our children not to be lazy c##ts when they are older ( he said this last month after having 2 serious doctors appointment, and they were exhausted after all of that so I told them to relax for the evening). Spoils every event with my family usually before we go he will give out about the state of the place, what were you at today. I stayed a couple of days with my family this Christmas 27th28th he said I spoilt his Christmas and that I was an evil bitch and that I'm so f##king grumpy all of the time. (And I am cold towards him because of how he treats me and the kids constantly put down for who I am and who the children are) this type of stuff happening for years. I tried to leave twice years ago he said Ie was going to ring the police get his f##king children back here. Took my car keys. Grabs my even when I ask him not to. He said its his right men have needs and I'm his partner. He says im imagining all this and that I'm to easily annoyed that I should be happy to have him. We are happier when we aren't at home as soon as we are home it's not what I want. At the minute we were OK before Christmas and since the 28th December I have been trying to avoid him and not rise to his horrible remarks and trying to let the children enjoy there break. But unfortunately they see it and hear it. I can't see us ever been OK, iv asked him for us to see a Councillor. Iv changed jobs I try my best but it's never enough. I keep thinking I need to go and get out but it's very hard when we do have good day and the children are happy, they love their daddy even with all the crap. Thanks for reading any advices welcome. now I have wrote this and not just thinking it it's made me feel sick.

It sounds like a horrible environment for you, he is not treating you well and you will feel so much better when you make the final decision to separate.
Your kids are seeing this, you’re doing this for them too.
Im only 9 months in to separation and mid divorce, once shock and sick feeling left, I feel so much better and less anxious.
Someone said to me, “would you want one of your children to be in a relationship like this? That’s what you’re showing them is acceptable “ - it really hit home.
lots of luck, thinking of you.

They love their daddy as they don't know any different.

As they get older and realise this is not a normal loving relationship they will be distressed and angry, perhaps even resenting you for staying with him.

Of course they love him, they don’t no anything else. But it’s not just about you and him, you have a responsibility to protect your children and do your best by them, and that does not involve making them live with constant put downs and shitty comments, it sounds abusive. If you need help leaving then contact women’s aid for advice, but you and your children deserve better.

Grabs my even when I ask him not to. He said it’s his right men have needs and I'm his partner.

Can you explain this further?

Thank you for reading and your advice. I wouldn't want any of my children in a relationship like this. I need to get out and show them it's not a normal relationship and that they should never accept this type of treatment. Im glad you got out of your situation Bridgewhat24 and feeling happier. its good to hear positive stories about how it feels when you leave. I'm sure it hasn't been easy. Thanks again thinking of you too

Thank you Jolietta and Pandasnacks appreciate your advise . I'm starting to realise that things won't change and that it will be better for me and the children. I think they would feel relief once everything settles down and we have peace. Its the making the decision and sticking to it and not get sided tracked to stay when things are ok. I will contact womens aid for advice on what to do, thank you again.

Thank you HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend. He thinks it's funny and that all men do this. In the morning usually when im doing lunches he trys feel my boobs, or if im in the bathroom dunts up against me, he seems to do it more when im upset about something he has done. I tell him I don't like it to stop he says he won't stop because he likes it and I say I don't. Thats when he says its his right as a man and my partner. It's been happening a long time. It just feels like another way of him trying to annoy me. I feel horrible after it. Sounds silly but it really upsets me. Thanks again

My DH has never grabbed my boobs and if he did something and I said I didn't like it he'd apologise.

It's not silly, you're being sexually assaulted in your own home!.

Your kids will love him as kids are programmed to do and it's common to fawn over an abuser, the climate of fear has everyone on their toes trying to keep him happy.

He is emotionally abusive at the least (+ sexually assaulted you) and your children will be damaged by this. ☹️

He is an abusive cunt. To both you and your poor, poor children.

When you are deep in a situation it's hard to see clearly and objectively but what you describe is not a normal respectful relationship. Your partner is abusing you and your DC in your own home. It's not ok for him to grab you sexually. You really need to go to a women's refuge and ask for help to get away from him. You might need a restraining order to keep him away. Once you are away from him and free you'll see it more clearly and know you did the right thing on getting you and your DC away to safety. The type of emotional abuse he is directing at your DC will last their whole lifetime.

Shame you came back from your family visit tbh would they have you to stay again for a bit longer, to give you time to think and make some plans? Your children are young enough for it not to be a critical year for them to be off school for a bit if it’s too far away to travel back each day for school. You have lived almost your entire adult life like this aren’t you just exhausted with making so much effort to try and make it work? Oh and never go to counselling with an abusive partner ( just in case you need someone to tell you that he is indeed abusive and it’s okay to leave him).

Thank you everyone for your messages it really does help. Still things been said to me I told him I wasn't happy he said I'd be destroying the family if we separated listing out how he would have to leave his job so he could bring children to school how the nice things would stop with no money how we would have to sell things to live. Now hes trying to be nice for the most part asking me to come back in to our bedroom but the mean remarks and put downs are still there. It is exhausting and he really doesn't see that it's wrong. I have it in my head that I'm leaving I'm going to tell family before I start to doubt myself and go to womens aid. Thank so much for reading.

Well done on making the decision. That’s the first step. The clarity of having decided and left/leaving will really help you to see things differently. I could see so many things that “weren’t that bad” that aren’t abuse but were not good either, since we split. I think we get so used to having such minimum standards that we don’t always see it until there’s distance.
well done

He’s going to change just enough to try and keep you dangling on his string, it maintains the status quo if he gets you to doubt yourself and worry about the future.
if you find yourself thinking it’s not that bad and at least he’s trying, reflect on the fact that he can make a change ( pitiful though it is) he just chooses not to, he doesn’t value you as a person or your family life together enough to actually act like a decent human being never mind a decent partner and father.
I’m not usually a LTB poster and I know it’s difficult and scary and even if you can’t make the break right now, you can start to make practical plans. Lean on your family if they are supportive pretty sure from what you say that they probably think he is a total tosspot and will be delighted that you want to get away from him.
Let the thought of your children give you courage, I’m getting old now but I split up with an ex when my child was 3 months old he wasn’t abusive but he just wasn’t a very nice person. I didn’t want my precious child being exposed to him. We weren’t married an this was back in the day when being a single mum meant you were looked down on, but even though I was on maternity leave I had a decent job to go back to I had great parents to support me. I won’t sugar coat it I had my own little flat that I couldn’t afford any more and had to apply for social housing but it was still worth it. When my child was 3 I met my DH and we have a lovely home and a good life ( my child is now in his 30’s).
I have faith in you, I know that you can do this.

I think you may find these really helpful op...
Two books that are tailor made for your situation.

One is how to deal with becoming a single parent:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wheres-Daddy-Divorced-Widowed-Mothers/dp/0879516275?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

This book is a great how to and covers a lot of bases for what you might go through.

And, 'Invisible Wounds' about the effects of and breaking free from emotionally abusive relationships. The corrosive effects of the treatment you get is valid
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Invisible-Wounds-Healing-Relationships-Recovery/dp/0473536293?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Juiceinacup you were very strong sounds like you made tough but the right choice and it's lovely you have a good life so glad it worked out and great you had support from your parents, thank you for you advice.
WomenInConstruction thank you for the book information appreciate it.
Bridgewhat24 I agree I think iv just got on with it and probably didn't have high enough standards to start with. I'm trying my best to not let my guard down and let things go back and change my mind about leaving. His little bit of niceness is wearing off now but he is blaming me for being so miserable and not wanting to be around him he says we all use him. I can't imagine if I leave him and the children have to come here without me and that I'm not here with them when hes not nice. I'll be getting away from it but they still have to put up with it. It's very heartbreaking.
Thank you all...

I've got one like this but possibly not quite as awful comments - it's eaten away at my feelings for him to the point I've filed for divorce and paid the £593 application and now in the enforced 20 week waiting period and only now does he realise I'm serious about splitting. He's threatened divorce for years evidently without meaning a word of it (manipulation, coercive control) and the few times I've threatened it, meaning every word, he hasn't believed me. Both judging each other by our own standards.
Anyway the point is he's now listening intently to me and my points that he's hyper critical of the kids, he's a negative leech on positive energy in the house, he's verbally abusive and a bad role model of a man/partner. He's desperate to not split so we're giving it another go- but I'm not sure if after years of it I've finally switched off irreversibly. We'll see.
In your case you might need to start your application to see if it leads to any improvement whilst you've still got a shred of attraction to him left. Mine has always been very family oriented, has friends but doesn't go out much, good family relationships (his dad is just like him though) so he's very motivated to improve. It's just we've been here so many times it might be too late for me to switch back on.
Have you ever spoken about splitting up? How do you think he'd react? Mines been vile all last week but then said he wants to try yesterday.
Good luck

That's sound really tough Userxyd it's a very hard thing to go through but maybe he will change this time. He doesn't sound very nice either so if he doesn't change you might need to follow through. Iv started to write the horrible things down so I don't forget or think im over exaggerating things. I had to write down what I was doing during the day so If he asked what was I at all day I could list them out other wise I'd start to think what was I at and blame myself for things and his behaviour. We have been in this situation so many times aswel it's very draining. The love has gone for me and I cant see its coming back or how. I said last weekend about separating he said I'd destroy to family, he would have to quit his job so he could bring the children to school, he would have to sell things of the children to buy a car, no family holiday, I'd ruin everything. I said that we aren't showing a good example of a healthy relationship that me and the children can't relax in our own home. He said it's not that bad and he listed the things he needed for it to be better. He told me I need to make sacrifices in our relationship. Do you mind me asking roughly what age are your children will they understand what's happening if you do divorce? My oldest is going to secondary school next year so i really dont want them going through so much when she already has a big change happening. We aren't married and it would be me leaving to family home. I also tried to leave before and it didnt't go well so I'd need to be more prepared. Thanks for your message and I hope things have improved since you posted this message.

Thanks for your kind words @123Cathy. Mine are same as yours plus year 8- I think there's never a good time to separate but the later secondary years are so tough with exams that at least it'll be sorted and calm by then. Also don't want to mess up start of secondary but hoping it'll be more stable by then than it has been - or at least overall same with some better to compensate the initial upset. Very conscious these are formative years so don't want him to negatively influence what they see as acceptable behaviour. Dreading telling them and expect he'll be awful but that's why we are where we are 😕

Ps I won't be leaving the FH though so that's one stable factor. Do you know where you'd go? Do you have grandparents or other family nearby who could help?