Would you tell the other woman's husband?

[maripo]

Hi all,
I recently found out my partner has an affair. He tried to convince me that sending "I love you messages" to another woman for around a year is nothing. I came to decision to split (we have a child together), which I want to inform him these days. I go through all different emotions: sadness, disappointment, anger... I know OW details, know her name, how she looks like, her place of work, how her kids look like, phone number and even date of birth 😂 I know as well the name of her husband. And I think about sending him some lovely message about his wife's affair. What would you do? Did you ever contact mistress's partner?

My H's mistress's partner contacted me and I am very very grateful to him that he did, I had a right to know. So yes I would absolutely tell him.

I think you should. Why should she get to have her cake and eat it whilst she's helped your husband ruin your life?

He can do what he wants with the Information after you've told him. Whether he leaves or stays that's upto him but least he can decide that for himself.

I would. People deserve to know if their sexual health has been compromised.

I would tell them.

Yes definitely tell him.

For a one night stand, I'm not sure

For a year long affair where love is declared, absolutely yes.

I absolutely would. He deserves to know.

Yes. I would tell

The husband of my ex h's affair partner didn't tell me as he said he didn't want me to suffer the same hurt as himself. I knew him. I actually think he didn't want me to know as the 3 of them kept all it quiet. it was another two years before I found out. I wished he had told me at the time. I felt like a fool afterwards.

Hi, married for 30odd years. found out last year husband cheated for the last 5 with a colleague. how did I find out? he left out of the blue for 10 days. i left for work, and when I came back, he was gone. ten days of hell. then he agreed to come back. then 5 days later his mistress (uglier, older, fatter and much stupider than me, but good bra size and good company allegedly) showed up in our house unannounced and uninvited to tell me (sledgehammer event) he was supposed to have been moving in with her two weeks ago and chickened out. she called him all names under the sun in front of the shocked me. turns out they had been seeing each other for a few years and when i was away for work and seeing family she used to come to our house and he slept with her in our marital bed. and during lockdown. and when our kids were away. and when i was ill in hospital. we have grown up children. this hit one of them hard. the other is coping better. we argued for a month. he said he loved me and did not want to see her. then i found it the relationship continued for another 7 months while he was swearing blind he did not want to have anything to do with her. at the start of the extra 7 months she arranged for him to see a divorce lawyer. he did. but undertook no further steps. he then broke it off with her after those 7 months. we live together and work from home in the middle of nowhere. i don't know what to do. he says he loves me. he says he made a big mistake. (when i say he slept with her= he had an op 10 years ago which made him impotent, so fumble with each other at best). it turned out her husband left her just before she invited my husband to 'sleep' with her on a business trip all those years ago. when her divorce finally came through she bombarded my H with rental listings until he left us (temporarily). when he did not move in with her she pursued him until he agreed to see her again. when he finally broke off the second time she spent 6 months sending me messages about their escapades. seemed like stalking.
i don't know where to go from here. i see that she perceived him as a meal ticket, but he still thinks she was in love with him. and he 'liked' her. he lied and and lied and lied. i am in my early 50s and this all seems like a huge betrayal. educated and well read enough to draw enough lessons from social sciences, philosphy, art, literature. but when it's someone you lived with all your adult life - what do you do?

Thank you for all your replies. I really consider doing it, however want to have final talk with my partner and need to ask him more questions. I will ask him if her husband knows, and I am curious what he will say. I want him to have this thought in his head that I may contact him 😂🫣
I even thought to call OW and ask her if she wants to tell her husband first or I should tell him 🤓 I have print screens of their messages, and history of phone calls. They must ve been seeing each other during their working hours, as my partner spends evenings, weekends etc with me & our child/family. However his working hours are flexible, he can leave the office and go freely whenever he wants. I discovered the pattern of the same time of their phone calls, they talk very early around 7 am and then they communicate around 3 pm. it may be the time they see each other.
I am only afraid that - if I inform the husband - my partner can get angry and make everything harder.

It's never happened to me but has to friends. They deserve to know and not be made fools of. Hard as that is

Yes I would. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd want to know. Good luck OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I’d want to know, so I’d tell the husband.

I messaged my ex’s OW and asked her if her husband knew what she was up to with my husband. That message was enough to cause her (and my ex) to massively panic - she blocked me on everything but she knew I knew. I messaged her now ex as well to suggest he might want to have a chat with her about her friendship with my ex. I’ve no idea if he read the message but my logic was that I felt he had the right to know, if the shoe had been on the other foot I’d have wanted to know.

Yes, do tell him. I told my husbands little side piece's other half.
He was very grateful, and wasn't surprised, as he thought something was going on but he had no proof.

My ex had a 4 year affair, 2 of those years she was with a partner. I know his name, work place, date of birth, photo.

I haven't, I need to keep my ex on side financially and to do as he is told to be honest. Depends how much you need it to work going forward. Mine would not be as agreeable if I had spoken to Mr Mistress

Yes, please tell.
But remember to spare any details and provide what is needed and be open for any questions.
I was persued by a man I knew who was "separated". 7 months into a casual but comfortable fling I found out he wasn't single or separated at all, and photos he had sent from weekends with his kids were actually from weekends with his wife.
I took my time creating the message as it couldn't be about my hurt (I was in fact completely destroyed at being the OW having no clue, and my trust in men was obliterated.)
He ruined me, but it had to be about compassion for her.