How to raise topic of divorce with children

[Magicnestdream]

My husband and I decided November 2023 to divorce after 14 years of marriage. Nobody has done anything wrong -we simply have grown apart and become more like friends and flatmates, than husband and wife. Me having cancer I feel is part of this.
Last year was spent getting the legal and financial affairs in order rather than rush into making any hasty financial or emotional decisions and is all very amicable.
I have yet to confide in anyone because I felt our daughter, now 12, should be the first to know before other family and friends.
With the divorce due to be finalised in the next month we feel it's time to raise with my daughter.
She's switched on and she knows we have slept in separate rooms for some years (partly due to breast cancer treatment) but as we remain amicable and get on , I genuinely don't know how or when to bring up the topic to her?
Our house is on the market (we had thought of moving before all of this anyway and have considered living together to co parent for her benefit but did also agree not much would change if we did that)
We have tried to time this that the news didn't land at key milestones ..IE starting secondary school in sept, her birthday in November or Christmas holidays.
Between now and end of next month we have a quieter period where we feel this may be the better time to bring up the discussion.
From those who have been there, did you get everyone round the table and make it formal or just drop it onto conversation? Is there a better time to do it? I'm struggling to explain it when we're not shouting with each other and still get on.
We agreed from the offset our daughter was priority and would be done at a pace to be best for her.
Also after a year of keeping this to myself (only lawyer, mortgage advisor and estate agent know) I would like to be able to share with my close friends for some exceptional support as has been hard , I don't want to make any kind of announcement but just share what's on in my life. I find it hard to drop these big topics into conversation especially when just popping round for coffee.
How did you tackle telling friends?
I've mulled this over for months and still can't find the words or work the best time so all your help is truly appreciated.
The last 12 months flew by with solicitor appointments and sorting finances and now that's in order it's time to deal with the emotional side of telling our daughter, family and friends.

No easy way of saying this, and you need to just accept that however you’re telling her, you’re going to turn her world upside down.

My parents just said something similar to this:, Pepperama, we need to tell you something that is probably going to be quite upsetting. We like each other but for a long time now, we haven’t loved each other like husband and wife anymore. So we have decided to divorce next month. We’ve decided you’re going to live with mum. Dad will live elsewhere but close by, and you’ll be able to see him and stay with him whether you want to. We are really sorry that we’re not able to continue as one family, we’ve tried and tried again and it’s not working for us. We’re both here for you to help you through this.

You may not get much of a reaction to start with, or she may try to be hyper sensible and matter of fact about it, deep sadness or a big breakdown/shouting/accusations of ruining her life etc. Just be there to support for the longer term fall out. At 12, it’s probably not just the end of family life as she knows it, it’s also tied up with her developing identity, what her mates will think of her/her family, how she’s going to tell people etc

If your house is on the market she might well hear about it as people talk/ will ask you about it in front of her if they see the ad. I wouldn’t delay telling her as that would be a terrible way for her to find out.

Also consider her need to get her head round everything, you’ve had a year and you’ve put the house on the market and finalised your divorce ready to go. She will not have the luxury of this time to absorb and come to terms with the news.

Tell her before schools go back, to give her a few days to get used to the news before school starts. Just sit down all together and tell her you don’t love each other anymore like husband and wife but that your love for her hasn’t and will never change. Twll
her what will happen but also give her input once she’s ready to talk about what she would like to happen ie who she will live with and when.

Thanks both, really helpful.

@Mumof3confused My daughter knows the house is on the market as had been discussing potentially moving way before we decided to separate. We've looked at all sorts of houses with her so she knows we may be moving. And apart from the solicitor and mortgage advisor not pay knows our situation, purposely done as I wanted my daughter to be the first to know so we avoid the situation of 'people talking' scenario.

I agonised for months and months about telling the kids. In the end it was a very hard conversation to have but they are so resilient. We stayed in the house together for another 3 months but 6 weeks of those were the summer holidays which we took in turns to be away with the children a week on/week off. I think having this period to adjust helped them.