Life after divorce in your 30s with a child

[Sarahd3342]

Hi everyone

Could anyone share how life panned out after divorcing in your 30s? We have one child primary school age. I have so many thoughts. Ultimately my stbxh was abusive so ultimately, I will be better off without him.

I am so embarrassed. Embarrassed I am divorcing in my 30s. The social stigma. The deep upset for my child not having the nuclear family. I am foolish for marrying my ex in the first place even though there were so many signs (we both ignored) it wouldn't work.

But gosh. Without him around, I feel free. It is sadly, absolutely the right decision. Having a child pulled us apart. There is no tension at home now he has gone. A weight has been lifted from me I didn't realize was there. We are very very different. I have no respect for my stbxh and judging by the way he has treated me, he has no respect for me either.

Did you meet anyone new? How? Did you prefer to stay single? I am just not attracted to anyone. Not in the slightest. And what kind of people are on the market at my age? (myself included, I clearly have baggage...divorced, single mum) And I feel worn down and hagged myself. How did you fill the time when your child was with the other parent? How did your children cope with the divorce? I feel gutted for my little one having to see either of us separately. At the moment it's hard, it's very acrimonious.

I left my ExH at 34 with a 4 year old. honestly. It had its moments of being lonely (I adopted a cat!) but a friend suggested creating a 40 x 40 list (40 things to do by the age of 40). It gave me a massive kick. Some weren't huge things. Hike a hill in the peaks and watch a sunrise, visit an observatory, I had learn a martial art (and got a graded belt in it). Right through to take DD to Lapland! It gave me a real focus at a time I wasn't sure what to do.
I tried dating, didn't actually enjoy it that much and have been very happily single for years. I get the weird feeling about failing, I was divorcing as lots of friends were just marrying or having more kids, but it was in my head mostly. I absolutely love my life and wouldn't change it for the world.

I think just focus on loving your child as much as you can and giving him the best upbringing ever.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way, but please think twice before lamenting the social stigma. I’ve been a single parent since my late 30s. I’m now nearly 50. It’s not the 1950s, no one is going to judge you as you are judging other single parents.

What I will say to you is this. You can choose to think badly of yourself as a single parent or you can choose a different mindset. You are choosing to be free of a miserable marriage. Your life will be what you make of it.

Will your children be happier in a miserable nuclear family or with a happy mother? You might meet a wonderful partner, or you may not. I am friends with lots of other, older single women and I don’t think any of us are looking for a man. We are perfectly happy on our own.

Work on your mindset, your self esteem and your positivity. Don’t think of yourself in terms of your marital status: that’s what will truly set you free.

@MerryChristmasYaFilthyAnimals this. 100%. Divorcing as everyone else is expanding their family. In pains me so much. My little one the other day asked why there weren't any more babies in my tummy. I love the 40 things before 40. They sound amazing. And Lapland...wow!!

@BoundaryGirl3939 yes. That is what's keeping me going. Do the best I can. But gosh, tonight I feel alone/lonely.

@llareggub thank you. That's it. Yes, I'm choosing to be rid of a miserable marriage. When I just think of the misery and the eggshells around him, it's horrid. And yes, little one being brought up around that but he would have known no different. I like how you said not thinking in terms of my martial status...so true.

Best thing I ever did. Love being divorced and am totally proud of it - I take my happiness seriously and can't be wasting my time on a dead relationship.

I loved the free time when my daughter went to her dad's. She does moan that we're divorced but hardly scarred by it. In other ways she quite likes it.

ExH is a pain but not unreliable - just whiney and high maintenance for the sake of it.

Good luck, you might or might not meet someone but you just got your life back so enjoy either way.

As you might tell from the username, I am desperate to leave my unhappy relationship but for some reason I find it really difficult to make the final leap so well done to you for doing that, you are stronger than many, myself included. I completely resonate with the walking on eggshells and the thought of being free from that one day is bliss, I just need to try to work out the best way of doing it in my situation.

@Needhelptoescape good luck. I wasn't brave. It was him. He walked out and left when I was out. I'm embarrassed by that. So humiliated. I would have stayed for the sake of our child despite the misery so I am in fact weak. But honestly, since he's gone. The egg shells...there are none

@BeCalmNavyDreamer I love your positivity. You are right...no point wasting time or happiness on a dead relationship.

Mine was the best ever. Then I ruined it by getting married again and another child. 😆

I got divorced at 27 from a very abusive man, DS was 6. I decided to stay single throughout his childhood because I felt he'd had enough. I had sole custody. I got married again in my 40s after DS had gone to uni. I felt I had given him a good life with my full attention.
I met my 2nd husband at a friend's barbeque. I made a point when DS left home of going to everything I was invited to whether I felt like it or not in order to meet new people and it works but DS was always my first priority.
It also meant that anyone I met was known to friends not a stranger with a shady background.

@Gettingbysomehow that is really good. Yes, at present I am just focusing on my little one. Ha, good idea about meeting someone via friends rather than someone with a "shady background." I think it's all a bit too new for me now. I feel lonely when my little one is with his dad but there's just no way I could add more confusion to his life and get him to meet someone new. I literally have no idea how life will pan out...I just want what's best for my little one.

I feel the same as you.
I'm 29.
Interested to hear what others say

So helpful

What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

Single 29 year old mum of 2ds

I left my exH when I was 34, I'm now 36 and hopefully we Are getting to the end of the divorce process soon!
I felt exactly the same about the "stigma", I knew I was being ridiculous because if I heard someone else with the same story as me I would think "good for you girl!! Get out and live your life!" But at the time I still felt embarrassed for some reason to be getting divorced at an age when most of my uni / school friends were not even married yet.
But since then I have truly embraced my life and am 100% happier, no more treading on eggshells constantly, no having to put up with his ridiculous behaviour! We get on much better now but I'm still glad not to be together any more, if I spend too long in his company I get irritated
Personally I haven't dated, I have been on dating apps but nothing has ever come of it. I'm happy by myself, never lonely, I work full time and have friends and my kids to keep me busy! Maybe in the future, but for now my life is full and I genuinely don't feel the need for another man!

@fruitj I resonate so much. The divorce process takes so long too. I also know what you mean with thinking "good for you girl." But yes, most of my friends are having second or third kids etc. thank you for your comments.

I'm in a similar situation - 39 with a 7 year old daughter. My husband walked out on us in September and sees her every Saturday, but we have almost no communication with him apart from that. I'm due to be divorced and turn 40 in the same month this year 😱

2024 was utterly awful, but I do feel like I'm gradually emerging into a happier life. My bond with my daughter is so much stronger because of it.

Boringly, I tend to spend my child-free time doing all the admin and housework so that I can concentrate on having fun with my daughter during the rest of the week. I got so angry that stbxh was getting to be the Fun Weekend Dad, and this helps rebalance things a bit. But my goal for 2025 is to use more of that time for myself.

Stbhx moved on very quickly, but I feel so far away from being ready to meet someone else.