Really struggling with STBXH's lies and co-parenting

[Thistle11]

Hi all,
Just looking for others to share their experiences and for some kind support!
My husband (we are in the process of divorcing) left last December when our daughter was 1 year old. I had just months before discovered he had cheated two years prior and had tried to work things out but I now know I could never have forgiven him. At the time he cheated we were going through IVF and I had just miscarried, and was undergoing treatment for pre-cancerous cells on my cervix - so a very vulnerable time!
He moved in with another woman 3 months after leaving so I'm quite certain something was going on with her when he left.
Since we separated he has been horrible to me. Mostly constant lies about meeting someone else, living with someone else and introducing our 2 year old daughter to her months before I knew she even existed. Before we split I had barely spent any time apart from our daughter and now regularly having to say goodbye to her rips me apart. He doesn't communicate with me about anything regarding parenting, and is mostly uninvolved with any aspect of parenting except for her staying with him every second weekend and going for dinner a couple of times a week.
He has deleted me on social media a few months ago (when he started posting about new gf) but we have mutual friends and this evening I've been sent a screenshot of his Facebook post tonight for NYE staying that he's so looking forward to next year becsuse this year had a "challenging" start, and now his daughter gets to see his family much more etc etc. Many of his colleagues and friends have responded saying that he deserves a better future and to move on from the past!!! I've kept quiet about his behaviour publicly because we have a daughter but it's becoming more and more difficult because somehow I now seem to be the bad person!
I just can't comprehend how I'm supposed to continue like this. I hate time apart from my daughter and feel like there is a whole side to her life that I have no knowledge of or control over.

Please if anyone has any advice on how to manage these feelings I would so appreciate it!

Ask your friends not to tell you that kind of info in future.

Unfortunately there’s nothing that you can do but not knowing what he’s doing and saying eill
prevent your mind going into overdrive.

There are 2 issues here. First is you pain and anger over his infidelity. This is not something you will resolve through him. There is no recourse, that hasn’t happened already. You have divorced. People will have done the maths on the new relationship. They are either bothered or not bothered about it.

To deal with this anger and pain you will need to look inside you. Find a way to be happy in your own right. Try reading therapy or some one on one therapy. Time is also a good healer. Decide what you want for yourself and aim for it. Dont get derailed by wanting bad things to happen to him. Focus on good things for you.

The second issue is that you are unable to control what he now does as a parent. And you don’t have any control over that because you are divorced. You just need to accept this. He doesn’t want to tell you about his love life. It would be better if he just told you this and set the boundaries instead of covering it up. But he isn’t doing this so just accept it.

For your kids sake you are going to have to find a state of neutrality. For your own sake you need to put in place strong boundaries. Including as someone said being clear you don’t want to know who he is seeing etc. Once you have that neutral space you can talk about the parenting issues that need discussing.

Agree with both posters above. Anybody sending you screenshots from your ex’s social media knowing that it will wind you up and upset you isn’t a good friend. Tell them as much, and make it clear you’ve no interest in seeing any more screenshots or hearing gossip, and that who he sees is up to him - because it is, he isn’t “lying” by not telling you about a new girlfriend, he’s just not sharing things with you that are no longer your business - and it works both ways, if and when you meet somebody else, you won’t need to tie yourself up in knots worrying about how to tell your ex.

Ignore what his friends and family think or say. It doesn’t matter what they think, they aren’t in your life any more. After a break up, whilst some people can and want to remain neutral, it’s pretty common for each partner’s friends and family to side with their own and to have heard the story from that side only: just as you’ll have told your friends and family your side, he’ll have told his friends and family his.

You’re doing the right thing by not trying to malign your ex publicly. This isn’t a laundry airing competition, and your daughter has two parents who she deserves to have a relationship with, without ending up caught in the middle of relationship fallout. Use the time when she’s with her dad to carve out something for yourself: a new hobby, a regular meet up with a friend / friends, a fitness goal. Being something other than “mum” and feeling lost on the days DC isn’t around really will make a difference to you.