Don't know what to do

[mumof1littlebun]

Things have recently come to a head over my DH snoring. My the past 5ish years I have been asking my husband to lose weight, not only for his health but also because it is destroying our marriage.

His snoring wasn't brilliant prior to our second dc being born but he has put loads of weight on since then (as I have I unfortunately) my issue is that I gently asked years ago when pregnant with dc2 if he could do something about it. We were already sleeping in separate beds as I couldn't stand the snoring.

Dc2 was born during lockdown, it was a horrible, stressful time and I. Was diagnosed with pnd. The medication plus just generally not looking after myself made me put on a lot of weight. DH also put a lot of weight in over this period and his snoring is worse than ever. He sleeps on the sofa now.

The other morning in lost it as his awful snoring is all I can hear of dc2 wakes in the night and in the morning I can't even go and sit on the sofa due to him being there.

I have told him it is ruining our marriage but he just says he's trying and he's doing the best for our family. In my opinion if he was doing the best for us he would have put serious effort into losing weight. He also mentions my weight during these arguments. To be honest my weight gain ilea's originally due to medication and pnd. Now I comfort eat as I am so miserable with the situation. He thinks I am completely unreasonable to suggest we spit up but I don't know what else to do. I massively resent him for not sorting things sooner and just want hi to accept his weight and snoring are causing a huge issue.

You can hardly lecture someone else on their weight when you yourself admit you are overweight. You're married with children - tackle the issue as a team and both lose weight together. It might help his snoring it might not

lol telling someone to loose weight and finding reasons for your to stay on and then taking it to an extreme by thinking about divorce… seems extreme to me!

I can see what you are both saying but it's hard to fully understand when you're not the one living with it

You’ve asked for advice OP and you’ve been given some.
It is a serious thing to split up a family.
In your situation I would see your GP as a couple and get some serious advice on losing weight together.
Or just dump your marriage and put your kids through a divorce.. up to you!

You can’t expect him to lose weight when you’re not doing. Stop buying the food that you comfort eat, and move. Get out and walk.

Losing weight most likely would not stop the snoring altogether. He probably has sleep apnoea as my husband does. GP referral to sleep clinic and a year later he has a CPAP machine which is amazingly quiet.

Sleep apnoea can contribute to dementia, as well as many other significant illnesses. Tell him to look it up and consider GP for sleep clinic referral.

Sympathy to you. In the meantime good earplugs (I used Happy Ears) can help.

You can’t ask him to lose weight while also refusing to do so yourself.

See the GP about the snoring as PP have said, and also about losing weight together.

Sorry op. Your only option aside from divorce is losing weight together. I couldn't respect someone telling me to lose weight if they themselves were overweight too and refuse to do anything about it.

You're blaming him too much for everything take accountability.

You need to look at the eating habits of both of you. Shop healthily, home cooked meals, no snacking on crap, no take-outs, getting out and exercising and cutting out alcohol. You need to be as accountable as him.

I live with a man that snores like a fog horn. He didn't stay at the hospital after I had a csection because he would keep the other ladies and babies awake. He's do loud that I can hear him even when he sleeps downstairs and I sleep upstairs.

You can absolutely ask him to lose weight. His weight is impacting your sleep and your marriage. @mumof1littlebun has he been to the GP? My H was offered surgery.

If you're unhappy that's a good enough reason to divorce. You don't need him to agree. Him doing nothing to help the situation and deflecting onto you is unreasonable. How are things if you put the snoring aside?

Wow very hypocritical of you OP. Your dh would be very hurt

@Billblue thanks for the kind words. Like I said I think it is very difficult to portray the affect someone's snoring can have on a relationship unless you've been through it yourself. I think it could be ok and we would wrk through any problems better but it has caused such an issue everything feels hopeless

I'd encourage you to go to the GP together, citing that his snoring is stopping you from sleeping and take it from there, to at least rule out sleep apnea on his part

It is causing you mental health problems, which are stopping you from seeing how your lives would be better if you lost weight together.

Our GP recommended earplugs. All sorted.

You're saying he should lose weight while you're unable too, it's highly hypocritical. It's either something easy you're asking him to do in which case why are you overweight yourself? Or you're asking something that is hard and that you therefore should both be tackling it together as part of a push to being healthier all round. That is the what else to do, start getting healthier together, look into options, discuss them as a partnership, maybe consider weight loss injections, surely trying to tackle this together is the next step not divorce. Lack of sleep is horrible, I haven't had an undistributed night in a decade and broken sleep does make it harder fo lose weight, but divorce is the nuclear option and their are steps that come before that that aren't just you hypocritally telling him he has to lose weight.

Lack of sleep is a form of torture. Is he helping with the DCs waking nights, or are you doing all the wake ups? Honestly, laying there listening to someone else loudly sleep while vibrating the house is brutal. Can you go somewhere, visit parents, for a few nights so you're more able to think about what you want? It's not good making big decisions while sleep deprived.

I also think the comments about you being hypocritical and your weight are unreasonable. You've had two kids and a related medical issue. You're also not keeping the whole household up at night. Weight lose is a good idea for both of you, and being active won't hurt anyone, but he needs to care about the impact of his snoring on other people. My H is so loud he even wakes himself up.

I get that his snoring is impacting your sleep, your mood, your marriage. I really do. But I think losing weight is always better and more effective if you have a diet partner and since you need to lose weight and eat better too then start there.

Devise healthy and sustainable meal plans and snacks for you both. Clear out the cupboards of any junk food - bin it rather than eat it to get rid.

Decide what will be your emotional comfort food from now on so you don't make that decision when in a bad place. Will a chopped up apple satisfy that? If yes then make you you always have some in. At this time of year blackbirds and thrushes will eat rotting apples with glee so don't worry too much about the odd wasted apple if you don't need it.

And definitely get a GP appointment. One for his snoring, and one for you. Most GP surgeries can do referrals to weight loss programmes.

Could you maybe lose weight together? Eat better at home, a joint effort. If you are both on the journey, it might make it easier.

@mumof1littlebun lots of useful advice above. But it is also clear that if he is disrupting your sleep, that can be contributing to your weight gain.

Whilst weight loss seems sensible, looking at the NHS website there seem to be lots of other options too that might be possible so I would actually avoid that subject in the short term and ask him to go to the GP to see if there are any other possible routes that can be taken that might help (such as decongestants, sleep apnea treatment).

You can’t expect him to lose weight while you are also overweight and making no changes yourself. You both need to get on this together which will be easier anyway, healthier meals, healthier snacks, not buying crisps/chocolate/biscuits so the temptation isn’t there for either of you, exercising together, walking together.

If he's on the sofa is he actually disrupting your sleep? I get the impression you find his weight gain and snoring gross and unattractive rather than the noise directly impacting your sleep. Having young children and depression will be affecting your mood. I think you have fixed on the snoring and would be better off working on your mental health and marriage. Unless you feel your relationship is irrevocably broken. I feel sorry for your husband. Losing weight isn't easy and you don't sound very supportive.

This. Get him checked for sleep apnea. For complicated reason due to mental illness my exh was denied investigation for 4 years. He was literally falling asleep while eating. Eventually a full blown anger outburst with his Gp and mental health team meant they discovered he had severe sleep apnea. He literally “woke up” once on CPAP. He’d been diagnosed with depressive symptoms amoungst other, and despite me saying he wasn’t depressed was on high level of antidepressants. He certainly didn’t need them and came off quickly.

he had already developed type 2 diabetes, which was reversed. He was heading for a heart attack. He was overweight…becuase..guessxheat, lack of sleep raises cortisol levels and messes with appetite regulation. If you’re not sleeping too , OP, that’s a factor for you both then.

you must get apnea investigated and ruled out or treated. If it’s not apnea then ask for help with other devices and nhs weight loss programmes for you both.

snoring will be impacting his health. As poster says poor sleep is known to raise risk of dementia , or at least it’s a correlation. Depression, agressive mode swings, blood pressure, heart conditions, diabetes…sleep is fundamental and sleep deprevation is torture in short term and massive health risk in long term.

don’t nag him on weight. Even if you’re stick thin. It doesn’t work. He has to come to point when he can muster mental position to take control . It’s bloody complicated and difficult loosing weight,

Not an option when you have younger children, and in my case ear plugs did not block out noise nor vibrations. It also isn’t possible to wear earplugs every night for next 30-40 years without getting issue with wax buildups, repeated blocked ears and possible tinnitus.
thankfully my exh was diagnosed eventually, and the CPAP was a frigging miracle. (Divorce was for different reason 😳🤣)

I understand your frustration. My ex used to keep me awake with his snoring and yet didn’t seem to care about that.

At the moment if you are chronically sleep deprived, his snoring understandably will seem to be the most important thing.

I agree about the possible apnea. Tell him he stops breathing - Maybe he will see a doctor about his own health if he doesn’t care about yours.

Then in due time you can both consider losing weight.