Am I wrong to be massively judging STBXH over his behaviour?

[BarbieBrightSide]

Recently 'officially' separated although our marriage has been dead for many years. Jointly applied for divorce a few months back. Currently very amicable, we are still living in the same house. We have 3 teenage children together.

STBXH jumped into online dating, hook up sites etc but settled down after a bit and is now on his second relationship since our separation.

I also have a new partner - long term friend that has developed into more.

STBXH's partner has a 4 year old child from a previous relationship. He was introduced to this child after 3 weeks of dating, which I was a bit surprised by, but that's none of my business. What IS my business, though, is that over the Christmas break, with the exception of Christmas Day, he has spent all day, every day with this woman and her child. Literally all day - from 8am ish to 11pm ish and a couple of overnighters (he is self employed and is taking a break over the festive period)

He is seemingly playing the doting Dad, when he never did the same when our children were that age. It hurts me that he seemingly cares so little for them at this point, although to be fair they have not made any comments other than Dad seems to be going out an awful lot these days. I am also very surprised that his partner does not find it odd that he doesn't want to be with his own children at all .
Is this just what some blokes do? As in abandon their children to impress a new love interest? Or is it just STBXH?

Judge away. I imagine his kids are unimpressed.

I'd be judging too, and your children are old enough to likely be doing the same.

It sounds like this new relationship is still not a very long-term one. If he has a pattern of diving intensely into new relationships, the likely outcome is that it will crash and burn and then he'll be looking for his third 'partner' (I would also judging any use of the word 'partner' for someone who has been in his life less than a year).

Oops! Then you're judging me, too!
Not sure what else to call these people, though, as boy/girlfriend seems wrong in our 50's...

He is trying to impress her...

It won't last.

I should imagine your Dc are massively affected by having to live in the same house as parents who are divorcing, regardless as to how ‘amicable’ you think you're being.
I wouldn't call a person you're dating a ‘partner’ in your circumstances. He’s just a close friend for now.

Thanks for your perspective Soontobe60, I am very much trying to be sensitive to the children's needs.

That we are divorcing has not really changed anything in the home as we have effectively been separated for at least 5 years - as in separate bedrooms, no physical contact, separate socialising, spend evenings in different rooms etc

Something had to give, as while we rubbed along quite nicely day to day, we were just housemates who shared children, but I was lonely and he didn't want to be in a sexless marriage.

So when you say you think our children will be massively affected because we are still all in the same house, what do you actually mean, please? Personally, I felt that for now it was the least disruptive course to take, as until I actually move out (and it WILL be me for reasons that I don't want to go into) nothing has changed for the dc.

What IS my business, though, is that over the Christmas break, with the exception of Christmas Day, he has spent all day, every day with this woman and her child. Literally all day - from 8am ish to 11pm ish and a couple of overnighters

We have 3 teenage children together.

So he's decided he is exempt from parenting duties? If you both did the same you can bet you would both be done for child neglect/abandonment.

I also suspect that once the marital home is sold he won't bother with 50/50 to reduce the cms claim as he will just say his business doesn't make a profit and since he is self employed you can't prove otherwise. Be warned OP, he will shaft you in multiple ways, get those ducks not just in a row but screwed tightly down.

I use the word “boyfriend” without any embarrassment and I’m in my late 40s (boyfriend is 50). Admittedly I work with words so I think they’re extremely important, and that misusing them, even unintentionally, can be consequential.

A partner is someone you know well enough to have made serious mutual commitments with. You’re actively working on a shared life together, not just having fun and getting to know each other. You know this person well, they have earned your trust through consistency over a long period of time, you have strong shared values and goals together and you are ready to go the hard yards with them.

Using the word ‘partner’ for someone who is actually just a boyfriend or girlfriend can give the relationship a veneer of seriousness it hasn’t earned and can lead to over-investment in relationships that aren’t worth it.

Then boy/girlfriend it will be going forward. Or perhaps 'man I'm dating' 'woman he's dating' I suppose.

In my defence, I've been married for over 20 years, I wasn't sure of what was correct!

Blokes seem to favour the kids of the woman they are sleeping with. It’s really common, if somewhat sad and pathetic..

What a nice response!

TBH I think most people don’t give it much thought. But it drives me nuts on here when I (frequently) see posts where someone is questioning whether their “partner’s” behaviour is acceptable because they talk down to them or is regularly irritable and hard-to-deal-with or hasn’t been paying their way lately etc etc.

A few posts later it emerges that this “partner” has been around for three or four months, is long-distance and insists on having all “dates” in their own home town. The OP meanwhile is tying themselves up in knots trying to be an accommodating and supportive “”partner” to someone who is realistically being little more than a casual shag.

Perhaps you could go with manfriend or gentleman caller?

Call him what you like OP, no-one cares in real life. It just seems to be a rule on mumsnet that you can't call your partner your partner until you're living together, have a joint bank account, share all finances and have applied for your partner license from mumsnet.com 😂

My STBEXH chose to spend the 25th with his new girlfriend rather than see his DC!

I am beyond caring but I judged him massively and told him how vile I thought he is.

Cue lots of expensive Guilt Gifts 🙄

If you are split up and co parenting, why dont you arrange which days the kids are yours and which days are his responsibility. He might be thinking about moving out now as you can't surely live in the same house forever. It sounds like time has come to act more like a couple that has split up. So for school holidays and other rspobsibiltities you probably need to say, these are the days that you are responsible for the kids and these are my days. I would be thinking to make plans around, if he moves out to live at hers then how do you manage this. Mediation might help??

Your ex doesn’t need to live in a way which pleases you or that you approve of. Their life and choices are none of your business anymore.

If you can’t accept that and this petty stuff is going to play on your mind then it’s time for one of you to move out.

Spilt the kids time 50/50 between you in a way that works for them.

You could also consider mutually renting a second place where the other stays when it’s not their time with the kids. The kids stay put at the family home and you and the ex split your time in this other accommodation.

You could then agree that no partners would ever visit the kids house. Then your kids aren’t exposed to it.

I think it’s a terrible idea, continuing to share space and bed with ex, getting left to tidy up after they leave each property, my friend does it and it’s making her ill

This seems like a disruptive situation for your kids generally. My parents divorce was hard on me as a teenager, but it would have been harder if they had still been living together but resenting each other and seeing other people. I think you should prioritise living separately, as soon as possible.

Sounds like your friend needs to assert boundaries and communicate them. People are soft with all this mental health lingo being inserted into common problems.

She would probably feel less ill if she grew a backbone.

I divorced dh 3 years ago and he has refused to discuss it! We are still living in the same house and it's awful. Only 1dc left at home, another at university and today he's not talking to me as I saw a pair of joggers on my dry clothes and assumed they were wet. He'd taken a few of (mostly) his clothes out of the washing machine. He said they were dry and I accepted that (I do think that he'd put the wet clothes on them before he put them on the radiators as they were slightly damp but didn't say anything). A few minutes later he came back in the room and said I'd called him an idiot as only an idiot would put wet clothes on dry! He then said I'd just had to open my mouth. Anyway at least he's been out of my way most of the day and dc is back at school tomorrow and I'm at work ( he doesn't work).

Nothing to do with a backbone, he’s a useless lazy selfish man and like many woman she is left to deal with a lot of the mental load and housework that can in turn make them ill, most woman have backbones but are worn down and trying to keep things going for the kids, there is nothing soft about her, she’s one of the strongest people I know but is not immune to mh issues after years of trying to work on her marriage

Ahhhhh, my Dad did this, but when we were much older. He treated my ex step sister like his own child, referred to meals with the ‘whole family’ that my brothers or I were not invited to that were just his ex wives family. As an adult I found it hurtful so I’m sure your teens will notice and feel something as time goes on.
I don’t know why men do that to be honest.

I think you need to agree with H some boundaries and times when he is at home with the children . It is obviously different when children are older and perhaps spend more time in their room and don't want to interact with their parents as much ,
There will be stuff that you still need to do as the parent " on site " at the time , so it isn't really fair that you are the one doing the bulk of this .
Men do generally move on very quickly and seem to look to a new person as being the shiny and new toy . Unfortunately they often prioritise their own needs first and don't think of the impact that this may have on their children . They do seem to be in love with/ lust very quickly and simply aren't prioritising their kids .
They will also want to present the best version of themselves and try to impress any new partner as to what a good dad they are . The irony is obviously by doing so , they are showing what a crap dad they are to their own kids ....
The new woman is obviously caught up in the exciting new phase too and will be delighted that he is prioritising her and her child .

I am really sorry that your parents divorce was hard on you and I am under no illusions that the ideal for our children would have been for us to stay happily married. But neither of us were happy and if I'm being brutally honest we were never really a 'family' in the way I saw my friends families. By that I mean that the only time we did things all of us together was when we were away for 2 weeks in the summer. Otherwise it was generally me and the children and him doing his own thing, separate from us. Hindsight is useless, but maybe if I had put my foot down a bit more earlier on, things would not have got as bad as they did. But equally, he could have chosen to spend time with us rather than pursue his various all day hobbies, I suppose?

After a few years of discussing formally separating and then nothing happening, 2024 was the year when we stepped over that line. As I said earlier, we have not really been a couple for years and years, probably the last 10 at least if I'm being honest.

I really want for our split to be as gentle on the children as possible - they are currently living with parents who get on with each other in the day to day sense, but who no longer love each other. There aren't rows and an atmosphere, we've lived like this for years, there's just existing. So if it isn't too personal a question ThatLimeCat can I please ask what made your situation so difficult?