Dealing with shame

[jointhevelvetiserclub]

I'm facing divorce, it is enivitable now. Married a long time. Still have school age dc.

One thing that has struck me is the amount of shame I feel at my failed relationship. I get the arguments intellectually that there is less shame attached now, more of a shame being in a dysfunctional relationship but emotionally I am struggling to deal with my soon to be divorced status. It's easy to say don't let it bother you, don't care what society thinks but it is harder to actually believe this.

Most of my peers are still married. Be that happily or unhappily. I can't help but compare myself. I feel a great deal of envy too that they have something I don't have (a successful relationship).

I don't think my relationship was as ideal as I believed. I think there was a caregiving and dependency issue going on. This provided stability but was also dysfunctional and never allowed for growth. I don't want to re-write history as it worked at the time. I think so much of my self worth is tied in with this somehow and I'm trying to unpick it. On paper I have 'done well'. Comfortably off, house paid for, dc thriving (well obviously not completely in this toxic atmosphere) but at school and with friends/socially.

How do you actually go about dealing with the feeling of shame and failure. What actually helps if anything? Is it a question of letting time pass?

Anyone?

How is your STBXH dealing with the shame? Are there are lessons you can learn from his approach?

Eyesopenwideawake No. He doesn't deal with anything much outwardly. He is avoidant. Seems a bit of a strange question under the circumstances

I think I might copy and post on relationship board.

My point was that why should any shame fall on your shoulders if you are equally responsible for the relationship ending?

Try looking at it from the opposite view - it wasn't working out so you did the mature and sensible thing of going your separate ways. Something to be proud of, no?

You can ask MN to move the thread to relationship. Just report your post.

I understand the shame but I think it can be worth exploring what you are ashamed about.
the best way I found to deal with shame is to really go deep into what I am ashamed about.
Is it feeling not good enough because your relationship failed or is it feeling uncomfortable about the fact you’re feeling like the only one?
Also who asked for a separation? And why?

I felt that way but to be honest, as you move on in life the feelings go. 30 year relationship, am catholic and from that culture. Parents either side never divorced. We are both one of 2 and both of our siblings are divorced.

Of all the feelings I had at the time, that may still exist, shame is the least I have now.

I felt that way too - I have high functioning anxiety so feeling or being perceived as anything but perfect and on top of things causes me a lot of issues. I’ve had to channel that into having the perfect separation and new life.

I’ve found that the more I’ve opened up to people about my marriage problems the less it’s bothered me…everyone has either been there themselves or knows someone who has and generally I’ve been met with ‘do whatever makes you happy, life is too short’ rather than judgement.

Perhaps therapy could help you work through this. On one had I do kind of understand it but on the other hand I don’t. what do you have to be ashamed about?

Relationships end all the time. You are married and have children together, so from my perspective it has been a successful relationship that has now come to an end.

I think the terminology of a failed relationship is partly to blame here. If you quit a job that makes you unhappy, have you failed at that job? No, you’re moving on to bigger and better things. If you move house because it no longer fits your needs, have you failed at home ownership? Of course not, you know that the home is no longer what you need. It’s the same for a relationship. At some point it was good for you and fulfilled your needs. It is no longer serving you or making your life better, so it’s time to move on and make your life work for you. if you have had a long relationship that was happy for many years, then I consider that a successful relationship but now it has run it’s course.

I think that we need to really reframe the way we think about and talk about relationships that are ending.

also, I think it’s better for the DC for you to be happy and peaceful rather than stay in an unhappy relationship.

best of luck. I hope you can find a way to reframe your thinking and realise you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Some relationships don’t work. In fact statistically most of them don’t work out. Anyone with an iota of emotional intelligence can see that some people either are or become incompatible. And they know that it takes a lot of courage to end a relationship that isn’t working. I am sure there was a recent study that found there is a strong correlation between women’s wellbeing and having easy access to divorce.

In life we face a lot of pressure to couple up and settle down. Physically our bodies put us in a state of infatuation that stops us from seeing people and situations as they are. Especially when we are young and we let infatuation take hold.

Society and cultures puts us under pressure to get married and have children. And come communities, people and cultures value form over function.

IME, real life based, no one decides to divorce lightly. It is a tough decision and even tougher experience. A bad relationship will eventually end and the longer it drags on the more messy that end. Children suffer when there parents don’t get on. Whether that is all out arguing and bickering, indifference or passive aggression. Divorce can settle that but sometimes it is just adds to it. A bad marriage followed by a bad divorce fucks up children’s lives. Get the divorce right and they will be ok.

The bottom line is you are making a brave decision. But it does scare some people who are hugely invested in a form of a relationship. Which is their problem not yours.

Be grateful you have this choice and chance.

I think time is a huge factor … lots of negative emotions fade eventually. Or you can set them side and you aren’t consciously experiencing the emotions the whole time.

A good comparison is acute embarrassment due to something that is revealed publicly which you feel incredibly sensitive about. Or maybe the kind of shame people feel when they are made redundant which feels like a judgement of your capability and worth.

We are all scared the face we show to the wider world might be damaged be lead to judgements, ridicule or worse. In fairness it’s that kind of social sanction that stops us from doing or revealing all sorts of things. In your case the emotional distress of the divorce has just magnified this into a huge fear bout people knowing your private business and judging you for it

A divorce massively plays into any marital imposter syndrome you might have. A failure and everyone knows. Sure it might attract some gossip but most people won’t be hostile. Given time it won’t cause you so much dread .

I’m more embarrassed than ashamed. He left for someone young enough to be my daughter.
We had a genuinely happy marriage but he admitted he ‘got bored’
The affair had been going on 8 months before ref flags came to light and he told me.
I don’t feel any shame. I feel embarrassed that I hadn’t guessed and had been living my life not knowing he was sleeping with another woman at the same time as me, spending thousands of pounds on her and wining and dining her in fancy hotels behind my back.
He was also a very physically attractive man and I’ve had lots of comments about that which have made me feel like I wasn’t physically attractive enough to ‘keep him’

Thank you all for your responses. Reading with interest.

I think for me, I have always felt a great deal of shame - feeling not good enough about one thing or another and myself in general with perfectionist tendencies - this is another layer to that and has highlighted it.

A good comparison is acute embarrassment due to something that is revealed publicly which you feel incredibly sensitive about. Or maybe the kind of shame people feel when they are made redundant which feels like a judgement of your capability and worth.

I think this is a good analogy. I want to make a clean break and move 15 miles away but it is not really doable as dc are entrenched in schooling and I don't want to drag them out of that. Therefore I will be seeing familiar faces for the next few years as I currently live in a relatively small place with a small school and it will undoubtedly become a public affair. In a different place I could be more anonymous and I am a private person so this intensifies things.

I totally understand how you feel. I discovered recently a neighbour saw my ex h out with his new woman and I didn't know she knew we'd split. I worry people will think he's had it tough with me. But actually, no one knows what goes on in a private relationship and if they did, they'd tell me 100% of the shame is on him. But it is almost irrlevant why one is hurting. Pain is pain and it isn't lessened if you're the one who called time in the marriage.