What I’m I entitled to.

[Maamz237]

Long story but I’m going to apply for divorce. What can expect financially. Long post sorry.
Brief history. I’m in my forties and DH in mid Fifties.
we have been together 13 years. 8 years living as Partners and nearly two years married. we both sold our respective homes and bought out current homes with me owning 25% of what I put in and him owning the 75%. From inheritance from his parents.
he had a clean break from his previous marriage and left with his pensions only( so he says I was not there when they divorced)
we have DD less that 10 yrs old.he has two daughters from previous marriage in the mid and late twenties both work really good jobs earning well. I also have two DD from previous marriage.

We both work and with my DH earning 4 times my salary. We pay everything 50/50 including a 50k mortgage which we took when we bought the house to create an Annexe for DH’s dad to stay in when he visits, and the plan is he moves in with us when he can’t cope on his own.

I have my own bank account and he has his own bank account. When the bills come I transfer my share to him and have a direct debit for the mortgage payment to his account. I know nothing about his finances and he knows nothing about mine. I asked for a join account when we married and he refused saying he doesn’t want a repeat of his previous marriage where he lost everything.

Im seeking divorce because I believe I have been manipulated and financially abused.
The house is in his sole name with his daughters as beneficiary my DD with him was included, with a clause that says I own 25 percent of what I put in and can live in the property if something happened to him. I have never seen this he says I’m protected but won’t show me or let me have a copy.
Ive just found out that on top of it all he has still been supporting his ex financially behind my back for house maintenance and food when their DDs visit, I don’t know to what scale as he won’t show me. He says it’s a small amount.
His Ex works full time and although I don’t know what she earns I know she has a very high profile role.
I feel used and totally taken advantage of. I’m out of the country at present to see my family but I want to come back and tackled this bull head on for once. so my question is what can I go for? Originally I just wanted a divorce, my money from the house and a clean break! But for me to realise that I have been paying 50/50 on everything including holidays while he is busy bank rolling the ex because she has mental health issues and can’t maintain the house and also because she has no family is out of order.

My SD’s have wanted nothing to do with me or my daughters from day one! and so there is no relationship between us. I met their dad when they had separated and divorced so it’s not like I was responsible for the demise of their marriage, but the animosity I’ve received is that of the OW. My ex can’t answer my calls when he is at their house. Whether it’s an emergency or not. He will not! My name is not to be mentioned. She is crazy I think. Anyway that’s not the point. I’d like to know what I should do and what I’m likely to get.
sorry for the long post.

You will get what you expected : ‘money from the house and a clean break’.

Why would your partner giving money to his ex change anything?

You’ll get a fair share. Which might be 50% or more or less. It’s a short marriage although cohabitation will factor.. you’re also younger and more tine to build pension

you need a 2 bed house and if this can ve achieved with 50% (possibly less) that’s most likely. You work and will be expected to work to support yourself. Child maintenance will be based on his income and child arrangements

what assets are there and what are your incomes ?

He is right to do what needs to be done to support his ex, because that is what’s best for his children. Hasn’t he been doing that out of his own money if you don’t have a joint account?

I think emotion might be clouding your view. It doesn't matter what he's been doing with his own money, after he's paid his share of the bills. Do your daughters live with you both?

You’ll get 50pc of the whole pot as a starting point

Also it’s not financial abuse if he gives money to his ex and you pay 50/50

The starting point is 50/50 but given what you've explained, I think it's unlikely you'll get 50%

Thank you for your replies.
Yes my DDs lives with me and him and I pay for them, they are still young and In primary school, I save nothing as I have to contribute at 50 percent, my pension is next to nothing, I do all house work, laundry iron his many executive ll shirts, take the kids to school and collect daily as he is extremely busy with work, because we can’t afford a cleaner I have to do it all, I get no time for myself neither do I have family here. but we can afford to support a working ex who inherited a lot of money from her mother and works full time? How fair is this? At the end of every month I’m left with little savings of if any. He earns 4 times my salary and yet he is not open with his money, we shop once a month and anything that we need to top up I buy it. He is forever saying he doesn’t have money. If I can’t chip in on a holiday we simply can’t go, if I don’t take the kids out and spend my money it can’t be done. Now I find out there is money in my marriage to support the ex how is that fair?

Did you know about the first divorce settlement? And you still married him? Why?

That settlement isn't anything to do with you.

And as for your doing all the donkey work, why did you do it? Just say no.

It seems to be commonplace that women do the donkey work at home as well as work. And then they earn less. And they come out of a divorce in a bad place.

That's the way it goes.

It’s not fair op and I’d be fuming too

however, that’s not relevant to the settlement, so you need to get businesslike and simply focus on the assets, what you need and don’t bring in emotion into that

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes,
I didn’t know about the first divorce settlement until later, and yes it has nothing to do with me, except that she received everything they had and he had to start a fresh, he lived with me before we got married and got his current job while with me, but the money in my marriage does has everything to do with me I think and so I should have a say in it.
well how sad that it’s ok for women are treated like it and it’s the norm of “how it goes”

It's really sad.

I don't agree with it at all.

It's awful.

But it is how it goes.

Start with 50/50. Yes it’s a short marriage but a long term relationship which is taken into account.

Just confused by your children's ages, all 3 daughters are primary school aged?

It seems he wants to support his daughters, albeit through the mum and that's a good thing and says a lot about him as a Dad

Your issue with him is separate. Can you discuss a more balanced budget as the first step, as going for divorce is fairly nuclear if you haven't tried to talk through first

I doubt it will be 50/50 since his assets before marriage might be off the table. Also avoid court since it's very expensive and I doubt he will declare everything.

My understanding is that there are five DDs, two each from previous marriages and their joint DD. His DDs are in their twenties but OPs three DDs, including joint DD, live in the shared home. OP's husband therefore will pay maintenance in respect of the youngest but not the other two, and OP will probably need more than two bedrooms.

In a marriage I expect someone to be honest and open about things, I have not minded paying 50/50 because I would be footing my bills as I used to before I met him. But openness to money is something very important. I’m 100% sure if I was bank rolling my ex he would have something to say about it quite loudly.
I have asked several times if we could get a cleaner to relieve me at least with ironing etc and all I get told is we don’t have money for that. I stopped working when I had our DD and went back to work straight when my maternity leave ended to support with the bills.my DD was only 8months All this to support our marriage.

Anyways It’s all good. I’m seeking legal advice and will see where I stand.
But the ex can officially have him see how they get on.
Yes I’m very emotional about this because it feels very unfair. My DD is barely 10 I’ve not saved anything for her nor my other DD’s.
we have money to support an ex who works full time, was left everything and before he got his inheritance lived with me and couldn’t pay much because he had his rented house to pay, she has the property in her name and has inheritance from her parents, she is not short of money.

The step kids all have well paying jobs one earning £70k and another £150k can’t they help their mum buy food when they visit? I don’t mind him supporting his kids at all but at our expense?
We buy very cheap food unless I buy something nice for the family, yet he orders food delivery from Waitrose because that is the shop they use and it’s all to please them? how is this even fair?

It just boils down to my own naivety about money, trusting him and believing that humans aught to do the right thing by each other.

I have encouraged amicability and supported him to be there for his kids and the ex, he spends time cleaning their house and keeping it maintained because if he doesn’t it will be dilapidated and all I got was rudeness from them all.
totally unfair and I will not let this go.

@sampquib
so he can just gamble it away too if he likes right? It’s laughable really but point taken.

Being pissy about his ex doesn’t change what you’re entitled to and it doesn’t constitute financial abuse.

You’ll both get 50% of you joint assets. So you’ll be entitled to half of his savings and pension and he’ll get half of yours.

So you need to establish what is happening with the ownership of the house. If you own part of it then at some point you should have signed something. Has he ringfenced some of the deposit? Is it owned with the two of you as joint tenants with different percentages?

If you handed over the cash from the sale of your precious home and let him simply sort out the house with no input from you then this was foolish. You can prove this contribution though at least.

Even if he has somehow legally ringfenced the house all to himself and you unwittingly signed something to this effect, you are still entitled to some of the joint assets including a shared of his assets.

You need to firstly go and speak to a solicitor and get some advice. They can point you in the right direction.

You can easily find out who's name is on the deeds to the house by going via land registry and paying a small fee.

If it's just in his name only then as long as he hasn't ringfenced a percentage of the value then you are still entitled to your share as you are married regardless of what he says. This is assuming you have a marriage that is legal in the UK.

@StormingNorman tgwts not necessarily true. A settlement could be higher or lower than 50 % to either party

op I get your anger. But all you can do is

seek divorce
work on a fair settlement based on the principles of legal fairness not moral ones.

so, work out what there is available to split, come up with a proposal that is reasonable ( ie demanding 90% won’t get you far) and go from there

My name is not in the deed only his name, also his 75% is ring fenced to his kids and my 25% is to me. I agreed to this because the money was from his inheritance from his parents. And morally should not be mine really. I didn’t hand over the money directly but through my solicitor at the time of my house sale directly to the current home solicitors.
I signed to the fact that £25 % is mine also later one I asked about my status in the house given his name is solely on the deeds and what could happen if something was to happen to him, his answer was that I’m protected by his will and I can stay in the property until I’m ready to sell it and his kids would have to agree to this, I asked for this proof so that I can run it past my solicitor and he has taken me round in circles up until now and has never shown it me.
when I ask he pretends to have forgotten. If I pin him down he says it’s in his office and these are the reasons I’m seeking divorce there is no honesty at all in my marriage.
He knows everything about me and I know nothing at all, not even where I would start if he was to drop dead today, his girls could just turn up and ask me to buy them out of which I can’t afford it or sell up and get my 25% and they take their 75% which is rightfully theirs as inheritance.

@StormingNorman,
I would never go for 90% even if I had the chance to, it’s wrong and it ruins lives, I’d never want to screw him over as he is the father of my child and that relationship is for life but I expect some sort of fairness in all the madness. Yes I’m going to seek legal advice I’ve started and my solicitor has requested a full financial disclosure and an open and honest discussion about things from both of us with solicitors involved of which he has rejected. Says a lot really what is he hiding.

Right so it sounds like if he is avoiding showing you his will then he likely has not protected you as he claimed. Even more reason to split now so that you can realise the value of assets you deserve.

Even though the house is tied up it doesn't mean that you can't get more then 50% of the remaining assets including his pension which as a high earner might be considerable.

While the percentage values of the house are locked, the fact that he holds more assets and can therefore more easily house himself can be beneficial to you as the divorce will try house you both from the remaining proceeds of the marriage, more so as you have a young shared child.

He seems kind of sneaky OP. I would take the opportunity now to to see if you can find any paperwork for his pension and income so that you can use this as evidence in case he tries to undervalue his worth. Do you have an idea of what the value of his pension is worth?

My other piece of advice stands. Get thyself to a lawyer!

Even if there is a deed of trust or pre nup that can be overturned in a divorce if not fair . Not saying it will be the case here but there can be criteria to change these and a judge can rule to award different in divorce

There's something very dodgy going on with that house purchase, if you put in 25% why in earth are the deeds in his sole name? Sounds like he's been trying to protect his money at your expense right from the start, possibly because he lost so much the last time. Doesn't explain why he's still funding the ex though, you'd have thought if she took everything he'd want nothing to do with her (seems likely to be an exaggeration though).