Lonely

[MED25]

I've found myself on these boards looking for some understanding from anyone in a similar boat.
I've been married over 10 years and we have a darling young daughter (5yo). Things between my husband and me are just untenable. Its very hard to compress so much into a short summary but essentially we no longer work. He's a very assertive individual who is also aggressive in his conversational style (when things have come to a head). I am a more gentle person who hates confrontation and if I'm honest I find him intimidating.
He has a long long background of mental health issues (depression) which I've always known about and feel I've been kind and understanding throughout the many years of being together (almost 20). However I feel now that my own mental health is suffering in an attempt to keep him on an even keel.
The lack of equality in our relationship is staggering. He can pretty much vent and say what he wants and how, but if I show frustration, let's say with an eye roll or a terse word.....he is so angry. Despite numerous conversations after the event, he cannot see the double standard.
I feel honestly like I've no voice. I'm trapped in a silent role. I do the absolute majority within our household. He struggles often with the chaos that a 5 year old bundle of energy brings. It is sadly me who organises her and ensures she is active and has plenty to do.
Again despite many conversations (when I've eventually built up the courage) he continues to spend way too much time on his laptop scrolling aimlessly or playing a football game. I've got to the stage that I no longer care if he does this when our little one is in bed but I absolutely hate hate hate the fact that he often interacts with her over a laptop screen.
We have had a series of 'run ins' over the past 6 months. I feel their intensity is growing as I am now feeling so disconnected. I should add when he does get annoyed at something he will then freeze me out for days at a time... even doing this in front of our daughter. Just conversing the bare minimum. In the past I would have been so glad the freeze was over, I would behave as normal - glad that the uncomfortable atmosphere had ended. Lately I am struggling to keep up my part of this 'silent agreement'. I absolutely know that I don't deserve this. I know in my heart that I am a good and kind individual who naturally wants to look after those around me.
Boxing day was a new low- after me reacting (in a very mild way!!) to him being checked out for most of Christmas day....a heated discussion ensued which my daughter heard. She kept popping her head into the room asking why we were speaking mean. Then she went on to sing at the top of her voice in the next room. Clearly so she didn't have to listen. I felt so ashamed...I broke down and went upstairs to pull myself together. Since then it's been minimal conversation.
I have never spoken a word about our relationship to any family or friends. I suppose I worry that once I verbalise it - I will have to do something about it.
My mind is constantly whirling with ending the relationship but the idea of my daughter not being with me 24/7 is soul destroying. She is my life! We do absolutely everything together.
We are supposed to all go away for a few night this week but I cannot imagine how that would be enjoyable for anyone. Our daughter is surely to sense the unease. This is obviously my biggest concern with her. Do I really want to mirror this as a relationship for her? The answer is definitely not. But what can I do? How the hell could I be a part time parent? The idea of it makes me feel physically sick.
I just wish my husband would sit down and have a reasonable and honest conversation but we have shown that has been impossible to accomplish. Most times I broach a conversation he answers from behind his laptop. His parting shot to me when I was pleading with him on boxing day was that I am gaslighting him.......my jaw almost hit the ground. I am sensible enough to recognise that his behaviour towards me is classic gas lighting. The question I keep silently asking myself though is why am I here?

I was married 40 years before I divorced last year. My ex always got so angry if I raised anything he disagreed with. I felt silenced like you, and eventually became scared of him, too scared to say anything. Until I eventually broke.

Please reach out to others. This is not something that can be endured alone. Family and friends - but choose carefully. A big problem for me that my ex made it seem like I was the problem. A therapist helped me see how things really were.

Seek out online help (the Freedom Programme), there is quite a lot out there when you start looking. Read articles, books as much as you can.

Give yourself a bit of time - but this will not get better if you keep it inside of you.
I recommend private therapy - if you are worried you will say too much, it doesn’t matter - everything is confidential.

Best of luck. You don’t deserve to be so unhappy.

If you have supportive friends or family you should let them know what you are going through. Isolation and keeping his secrets will only trap you further. If your thoughts and feelings are dismissed, seek counselling. You need to process what is happening in your marriage in a safe place to be able to make the decisions that will protect you and your daughter. Don't push things down and give up on your life, but also be gentle and patient with yourself. You and your daughter deserve better.

I should add that you've already done some hard work by admitting to yourself that things are not as you'd wish them to be and it's not as easy as it sounds, so well done you! It's your husband choice to behave as he does, but you have choices too, you just need to get to the point where you see them.

Firstly, thank you both so much for taking the time to reply to me. It is much appreciated! I have been to therapy before to deal with a number of miscarriages so this is something I would be open to explore. I do feel almost ready 'to burst' with thoughts and emotions of late and I know how unhealthy this is. I told my husband a few months ago that I felt this way and that I was at the stage I needed to confide in someone as our communication was non existent. At that point he did welcome me to talk to him and it actually was calm. However, sadly nothing has really changed since. I've become an expert at 'sucking it up' and brushing yet another episode under the carpet but slowly slowly this is becoming more difficult to do.
I have a friend who has been through something similar and has always been a great listener, I'm starting to think I need to break the seal and confide in her. Maybe I need to make this more of a reality for myself!
Anyway.....as I said thanks for your thoughts. Its nice to be able to put my own thoughts into words. I figured this was another tentative first step.