It’s a long one….

[DextersMummy85]

looking for advice from strangers on the internet with non biased opinions!

back story: DH & I have been together for 17 year, married for 13 and have 3 DC’s aged 12,9 & 4. Met when we were 21, never really had huge arguments, got on well with similar interests. Fairly straightforward relationship until 2018. DH was ‘weird’ for about a year. Long story short I found emails and messages to a colleague 10 years younger. Admittedly nothing ‘tangible’ but long unnecessary conversations and some suggestive flirting. Confronted him, he apologised said it was just talking bla bla. Fast forward 6 months and he moves into his parents for 6 weeks because he ‘feels like a failure’ self pitying etc. I’m early thirties at the time, 5 & 3 year old at home, scared, vulnerable and ashamed at the thought of my marriage ending so suddenly. When he comes back I welcome him with open arms and we ‘try harder’ admitting we’d both been neglecting each other for the sake of the kids.
2020 I fall pregnant unexpectedly with our third, changes the dynamic then covid hits and life is not normal for a few years.

Now, back to ‘normal life’ I’m sat here with NO emotional connection, physical attraction or genuine feelings for this man. I keep going over the past in my head, regretting not ending it 6 years ago. I messaged the girl from 2018 6 months ago, asking her for the truth about that time period woman to woman (secretly hoped he had physically cheated so I could end our marriage with an excuse) she admitted to messages and light flirting but swore there was nothing physical. She said he told her in the summer of 2018 he told her he was getting a divorce with his wife and moving in with his parents. This was not the truth. She then went travelling and left her job. This would have coincided with his return back to me.

I have love for him as the father of my children but am definitely not in love. He is a fantastic father, good man, cares for me and tries hard. He’s thoughtful and considerate but the love for me is long gone. What do I do? Stay for the kids? Try? Or regret it. I’ve sat on this for a year and each day gets harder. Im SO stuck 😢

How would you like your life to look in 1 year's time?

Not like this?

But it’s the kids and fear of disrupting their lives that stalls me. They love their Dad and our home and thier little lives and I’ll be responsible for ruining that.

I was in a similar position to you twelve months ago. I had have three children, similar ages to yours and realised I felt absolutely nothing for my husband and had the ick. I was so scared to lose my children, my home and the lifestyle I was used to and that’s why I stayed in a miserable relationship for so long.
He had cheated previously, then in January I found out he was cheating again. I was petrified about what would happen next. But I ended the relationship and I haven’t looked back. He is still with OW and hardly sees the children but we get on amicably now.
The first three months were the hardest, I survived hour by hour then day by day. I wasn’t sad about ending my marriage but worried about keeping a roof over my children’s head and if I had done the right thing for them. I could have stayed in an unhappy marriage but I couldn’t do it any longer and I think you’re at that point too?
I am so much happier now, I’m healthy, I’ve dated, been out with friends more and most importantly my children are happier because I am.
Put yourself and your happiness first because unless you’re happy your children won’t be. They will pick up on it. Start 2025 as the year for you. Every extra day, week, month you stay is just putting off the end if you think there is absolutely no way you can ever be happy with your husband again?

Sit tight. Periods can happen like this in a marriage. 18 months to 2 years isnt unusual.
The upheaval and damage of divorce is just horrendous
A really good marriage therapist who works with the nervous system of the couple for the relationship will be better and cheaper in the long run than divorce.
He was really stupid (men often are) but he didn’t physically cheat and he returned to the family.
Maybe at the time he was having some kind of crisis. You are now having yours. Look for connection. There are not a lot of decent men pit there frankly .
.

1. your children will adapt
2. and importantly: you would not be responsible for ruining anything - marriage is a joint responsibility and you haven't cheated.

You only get one life
Do what will make you happier in the long run

Thank you so much. I appreciate you all taking the time to read and reply.

truthfully I feel so unhappy. Then I feel guilty because other people have much worse circumstances but I feel so lonely and scared at the thought of spending my life living a lie or ‘trying’ and before I know it it’s too late.

Please do the best by your kids and that's leaving him. You know that. Your kids are picking up on the unhappiness.
You will survive and thrive and be better.

You are so young to settle for a life that does not bring you any happiness. I do agree though with the previous poster who did suggest therapy . It will be a short term thing but then you can be satisfied that you explored your options . It will hard for everyone initially and so many families go through it . But hopefully without any animosity you can both be better off.

I'm being blunt so please don't think I'm speaking unkindly, but unhappiness isn't a competition - you don't need to have the worst life imaginable to want to end your marriage, if that's what you want. You deserve to be happy and you deserve the chance to try to live a fulfilling life.

Not going to lie, the process of divorce can be really shit but it is temporary and your children will be OK.

You really need to drop the notion though that if you choose to split you're the one destroying your family. That would be factually wrong. If your marriage isn't working then your family unit is already split and it won't be long now until your children start to notice that you're unhappy, even if your husband doesn't.

Your children will still have a home, and family life, and they'll still have their dad. If he is the type of man to check out of fatherhood post divorce, then that is on him isn't it? Not your fault.