Do I kick him out?

[WelshAmethyst292]

My first post… I am so drained

We separated some time ago but he refuses to leave the house. I instigated the separation (he cheated online a couple of years prior and we struggled to recover) and he was fighting against it, but then the tables turned and I didn’t want to be separated but he had accepted it.

We live in limbo. He said he’s not 100% done with the marriage but I think he just says that so he can stay. I’ve said he needs to make a decision by the new year but I don’t really want him to go but this limbo is horrid.

I just don’t know whether to continue to live together and co parent for my daughters sake as she adores him or make him leave if it’s over. When we’re getting on I think I should let him stay but on the bad days I feel so desperately lonely and hurt. He doesn’t speak to me very nicely anymore but he can’t see it, most conversations are draining. I don’t actually see him that much due to his work hours. I just don’t know what to do, all my friends and family give me different advice.

I’m at a loss 😢

The sofa. Our daughter knows we’re not together

If you've spent a year not knowing, you actually do know-- because if you really wanted to stay together you'd not still be wondering.
Ask him to leave.
If in 2 years you're both still pining for each other you could get back together (but don't say that to him!).

Take control back and end this properly OP. It’s not healthy for you or your child to continue in this situation, he doesn’t want to be with you but continuing as you are makes life easy for him so he will wait to pull the plug probably until he has another woman lined up to move in with. Take your power back.

I would ask him to go but approach it as a trial separation, a chance for both of you to figure out what you want and make a definite decision about your marriage. I think you both need a taste of what life would be like apart, it will either cement current feelings or cause a change of heart for one or both of you but at least you'll both have the space to decide for yourselves as individuals. Can he go to family/friends short term? That would be ideal if so as it leaves all options open once you've both had some time.

Are you having sex?

Go online meet someone go on some dates. He will.leave like lightening

Please end this, as someone brought up in a bad marriage, the damage is terrible. If you cannot live in a decent genuine loving relationship, which you cannot with a cheat then separation will be better for her and she is young enough to get used to a different set up.The longer you leave it the worse it will be.nFour would have been better than five. Believe me kids know when there is no love or going through the motions.

Thank you, I feel like this is the case

Our daughter knows we’re not together. I’m just trying to work out whether to let him stay even if we’re separated.

Noooo of course not, it’s a proper separation

Thank you

Thank you

I'm sorry OP, you're not getting the kindness you deserve from posters here.
I think a lot of MN forgets that situations are not all that cut and dry and although practical advice is required, being entirely blunt can be very hurtful for an OP.

I think you know you don't want to be with this man and certainly deserve better. But there's always that big leap of actually doing something isn't there.

Echoing other posters that you shouldn't be living in this way, together but not, it's really doing you no good, you seem deeply unhappy and of course we don't want that for you.

Instigate that complete separation and get some space away from him.

Thank you. I just want what’s best for my daughter, coming from a broken home myself it’s all very scary thinking history may repeat itself.

It’s not the broken home that is the problem

its what comes after they often cause problems

if you both can co parent, be civil if not friends, don’t weaponise your daughter and she can grow up with strong relationship with both parents, then that is far better than two parents at home resenting each other